\ 


4 


THB 


ADVENTURES 


OP 


UNCLE   SAM, 


IN   SEARCH 


AFTER  HIS  LOST  HONOR. 


>•  J   • 


FREDERICK  AUGUSTUS  FIDFADDY,  ESQ. 

\\ 

HEMBIH  OF  THE  LEGIOJT  OF    HOXOB,    SCHATCH-ETABT  TO  UHCLE   SAM. 
AXD  PRIVT  COUNSELLOR  TO  HIMSELF. 


Taurum  per  caudam  grabbo.    (Merino  Latin* ) 


>+< 


PKINTEO    BY   SETH    RICHAEDSr 

1816, 


jQfstrfcr  of  Connertttut,  ss, 


B1 


E  IT  REMEMBERED;  That  on  the  six* 
teenth  day  of  May,  in  the  fortieth  year  of  the 
_  independence  of  the  United  States  of  America, 
Sura  RICH  inns,  of  the  said  District,  hath  deposited  in  this  office 
the  title  of  a  Book,  the  right  whereof  he  claims  as  proprietor, 
in  the  words  following,  to  wit  :  — 

"  The  '  sdy^ntures  af  ,Ur?cJe  Sam,  in  search  after  his  lost 

"honor  ;<  &y  i'rediriclr  Arijuslus  Fidfaddy,  Esq      Member  of 

"  the  LegioiV6f  Honor!  Scrstcb-etary  to  Uncle  Sam,  and  Privy 

"  Couosellor  tQ  himself.     Taurum  per  caudam  grabbo.     (Me- 

' 


. 

ejic*  pf«th»^on^ress  of  the  United  States, 

entitled,  "An  Act  for  thV  encouragement  of  Learning-,  by  se- 
curing the  copies  of  Maps,  Charts  and  Books,  to  the  authors 
and  proprietors  of  such  copies,  during  the  times  therein  mefl- 
:ioned." 

HENRY  W.  EDWARDS, 
Clerk  of  the  District  of  Connecticut 
A  true  copy  of  Record,  examined  and  sealed  by  me, 

HENRY  W.  EDWARDS, 
Clerk  of  the  District  of  Connecticut 


CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  t  Page. 

Introduction. 

CHAPTER  II, 

Some,  account  of  Thomas  the  Magician* 

CHAPTER  III. 

Policy  of  Jacques — Dialogue  between  Uncle  Sam  and 
Ms  Squire — Final  resolution  of  Uncle  Sam.  21 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Household  affairs — Situation  of  the  Strong  Box — 
Singular  expedient  to  replenish  it — Conference  be- 
tween the  Chief  Steward  and  Uncle  Sam's-  wife — 
irgument  between  Madam  Sam  and  Tom  Boston.    2ft 

CHAPTER  V. 

An  unaccountable  bustle  about  the  Great  Wigwam — 
Wonderful  appearances — Appointment  of  Bashaws 
and  Pachas — Count  Scratch-us-off*s  expedition — 
Sangrado  reads  the  declaration  of  war  to  Uncle  Sam.    38 
CHAPTER  VI. 

Interview  Between  Uncle,  Sam  and  his  Squire,  continu- 
ed— Fresh  proofs  of  the  insolence  of  Tom  Boston — 
Some  account  of  Count  Scratdirojfs  expedition — 
Second  attempt  on  the  Snowjlelds  under  the  auspices 
of  Admiral  Tom-us-off.  46 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Wickedness  of  Tom  Boston — Proposals  for  an  armis- 


M774G8 


tice— Naval  transactions— Philosophical  reflections 

of  the  Historian.  55 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

Conferences  at  the  Wigwam—Trial  of  Count  Scratch- 
us-ojf — Expedition  and  wonderful  adventures  of 
Smyte-us-q/ — Causes  of  its  failure — Misfortunes 
of  our  friend  Nap — Reflections.  65 

CHAPTER  IX. 

Sangrado's  special  can  of  his  Master — A  village  Bar- 
Room — Speech  of  an  Old  Soldier — Family  confer- 
ence. 78 

CHAPTER  X. 

Uncle  Zachanfs  Chronicle  of  the  War  in  the  North, 
the  West  and  the  South — and  while  relating  these 
marvellous  deeds,  he,  maketh  many  wise  reflections.  92 

CHAPTER  XL 

Mistaken  notions  of  honor  condemned — Naval  trans- 
actions— Perry's     victory — Commodore    Rogers — 
Captain  Porter's  cruise  and  loss  of  the  Essex — 
Commodore    Chauncey— ^Captain     Warringtan — 
Prevosfs  expedition — Battle  on  Cliamplain — De- 
fence of  New  Orleans.  106 
CHAPTER  XII. 

Remarks  of  the  Historian — Gloomy  condition  of  Uncle 
Sam's  affairs— Family,  meeting — Result  of  their 
deliberation — Treaty  of  Peace — Whimsical  conduct 
and  opinions  of  Uncle  Sam  respecting  it — The  ac- 
count balanced — Reflections  on  Washington's  and 
Jefferson's  Administrations — On  opposition — Con- 
clusion. 123 


ADVENTURES      ,       v       ,      - 

OF  .    .  .      f     - 

UNCLE  SAM,  &c. 

CHAPTER  I. 

INTRODUCTION. 

il  WHAT  !  another  history  of  the  war  ?  We  cannot 
be  always  reading"  exclaims  a  Smoking  Lounger,  while 
he  strikes  his  silver  headed  rattan  against  the  door- 
post of  the  Bookseller.  Softly,  my  friend,  the  work 
professes  to  be  the  Adventures  of  your  own  dear  Uncle, 
if  you  are  a  native  American,  or  of  your  Unde-in-Law, 
if  you  are  not.  And  shall  we,  a  scientific  people,  suffer 
events  as  large  as  life,  and  feats  of  valor,  even  more 
wonderful  than  the  characters  concerned  in  them,  to 
pass  down  the  lane  of  time  on  the  tattered  wing  of  tra- 
dition !  Shall  deeds  of  fame  hard  earned  in  iron  fields  of 
argument  flutter  on  to  future  times,  like  the  treaties  of 
savages,  on  the  tongues  of  women,  mutilated,  distorted, 
exaggerated  and  defrauded  of  half  their  beauty? 

Shall  the  adventures  of  a  hero,  equally  renowned  for 
his  valor,  wisdom  and  humanity,  boast  only  the  windy 
immortality  of  being  tossed  from  tongue  to  ear  ?  Shall 
deeds  that  deserve  to  be  inscribed  on  Pyramids,  be  sent 
begging  to  the  tea-table,  to  sit  for  their  pictures  before 
female  artists  ?  Forbid  it  quills !  Forbid  it  ink  !  For- 
bid it  Printer's  types,  and  Printer's  devils.  But  fi 


ting  (for  argument's  sake  only)  that  our  subject  were 
trivial,  have  we  not  the  example  of  high  authority  for 
.undertaking  a  work  of  this  kind  ?  Do  we  not  annually 
read  a  report  of  wire-drawn  longitude,  from  the  treasury 
Department,;  treating  wholly  of  what,  every  creditor  to 
/go'wrninent  w^li  declare,  on  his  honor,  is  a  very  trifle. 
But  away  with  such  a  forbidden  thought  !  Has  not  the 
New  World  some  claim,  to  the  honors  of  the  resurgent 
nge  of  chivalry  ?  Shall  A madis  de  Gaul,  Don  Quixote 
and  Earl  Strongbow,  confer  unfading  glories  on  the 
respective  countries  which  were  the  theatres  of  their 
exploits ;  and  miser-like,  pocket  all  the  renown  of  ro- 
mantic chivalry  ?  Forbid  it  Uncle  Sam,  and  all  his 


sons 


{i  But  who  is  the  Author  of  this  strange  work?  What 
does  he  call  himself?  Tid  Fid  Faddy?  this  cannot  be  his 
real  name,— a  mere  fiction.''    Aye,  but  honest  friend, 
Avhat  is  there,  in  these  degenerate  days  that  does  al- 
ways pass  by  its  real,  deserved  name  ?    does  vil'any, 
knavery,  deception,  put  on  no  flattering  disguise?,  and 
will  you  quarrel   with  a  name,  which  to   say   the  lerst, 
cannot  raise  your  expectations  ?  But  on  the  other  hand  : 
Do  not  honesty,  patriotism,  nay,  does  not  religion  itself, 
often  suffer  from  counterfeits  and  masquerades  ?    Do 
you  smell  no  deception  in  the  proffered  benevolence  of 
the    Demagogue,   whose   ardent  fire  of  love  for  you. 
licks  up  the  last  morsel  of  happiness  from  the  altar  of 
Freedom,  whose  fraternal  squeeze  would  unbolton  the 
last  pitiful  cent  from  your   purse.     Ah,  then  do  j:«  l 
censure  the  modest  reserve  of  an  author,   who  only 
claims  the  privilege  of  doing  good  unseen  :  neither  will 
you  do  well  to  envy  him ;  for  if  his  work  should  fall 
i?eneatli  the  notice  of  criticism,  you  may  safely  fancy 


to  yourself  that  you  see  the  "chagriu  exuding  from  Uie 
corners  of  both  his  eyes  ;  but  if  any  wind  of  public 
opinion  should  puff  a  little  praise  in  his  ear,  remem- 
ber that  he  must  still  offer  it  up  to  his  own  heart  in  se- 
cret, and  he  has  lived  long  enough  in  the  world  to  know, 
that  he  that  serves  himself,  has  an  awkward  servant, 
and  a  scurvy  master. 

"  But  what  are  his  pretensions  to  literature  ?  does  he 
presume  to  enter  the  lists  with  Gulliver,  Cervantes  and 
Defoe  ?'}  Now  again  tlaou  hast  nearly  grappled  thy 
game,  but  that  the  Author  recollects,  most  opportunely, 
the  importance,  dignity  and  majesty  of  his  subject, 
•which  must  ever  challenge  the  attention  of  the  public, 
even  in  the  the  hands  of  the  most  illiterate  scribe. 

"  But  again  ;  art  thou  a  philosophic  statesman  ?  Art 
skilled  in  the  anatomy  of  Gunboats  and  Seventy  fours  ? 
Hast  ever  been  chairman  of  a  Committee  of  Ways  and 
Means  ?  Hast  ever  presided  at  a  public  Dinner  ?"  Not 
entirely  all  this  ;  his  faculties  have,  indeed,  been  plod- 
ding over  his  Country's  Credit  and  attempting  to  trace 
its  Anatomical  outline,  from  the  skeleton  which  out- 
State  surgeons  have  generously  exhibited  for  the  in- 
spection of  the  curious.  He  has  taken  some  few  lec- 
tures on  the  new  and  fascinating  science  of  spending 
two  dollars,  where  one  would  do  as  well,  and  in  imita- 
tion of  certain  industrious  Committees  has  reported 
progress  and  obtained  leave  to  sit  again.  Now  honest 
friend,  if  you  will  make  a  halt  in  your  enquiries,  the  Att- 
thor  will  tell  you  at  once,  quite  as  much  about  himself 
as  you  will  have  patience  to  hear,  and  then  without  any 
parade  or  ceremony,  will  introduce  you  to  the  subject. 
The  person  to  whom  the  public  and  yourself,  are  about 
te  be  indebted  (ajid  to  whom  he  sincerely  wishes  you 


8 

both  may  feel  very  much  obliged)  has  had  a  smattering 
of  the  languages  in  his  boyish  days,  has  had  the  good 
fortune,  if  it  be  any,  to  see  both  sides  of  the  walls  of  a 
College,  has  read  some,  but  reflected  more.  Now  if 
you  should  have  no  expectations  after  hearing  all  this, 
you  cannot  be  disappointed  on  perusing  these  wonder- 
ful adventures ;  but  if  disappointment  should  unfortu- 
nately be  your  lot,  pray  call  to  mind  a  little  school  pro- 
verb of  an  inch  in  length — Non  omnes  otnnia  and  if  that 
does  not  satisfy — take  Nemo,  omnibus  horis,  sapit. — 
.Making  you,  Sir,  a  most  profound  bow,  the  Author 
turns,  for  a  moment  to  the  public.  With  much  fear  and 
no  little  shaking  the  quill-driver  of  these  sheets,  finds 
himself,  engaged  in  writing  a  history  of  the  most  splen- 
did adventures,  that  ever  passed  in  this  freezing  and 
thawing  world.  If  the  learned  reader  should  find  the 
constituent  parts  of  this  wonderful  history,  partly  Biog- 
raphical, partly  Historical  and  in  some  degree  quizzi- 
cal, and  should  be  at  a  loss  how  to  name  it,  he  is  at  full 
h'berty  to  alter  the  title  to  his  own  liking,  and  if  criti- 
cism should  sternly  insist  that,  the  work  has  none  of 
the  three  great  requisites,  a  beginning,  a  middle  and  an 
end,  the  Author  has  obligingly  fixed  the  beginning  at 
the  first  page  and  the  end  at  the  last,  leaving  every  one 
to  place  the  middle  where  it  best  suits  him  :  or  the 
learned  critic  may  make  a  beginning  by  reading  only  a 
few  pages,  and  an  end,  by  frowning  the  whole  work  at 
once  into  oblivion,  whereby  two  out  of  the  three  re- 
quisites, will  certainly  be  produced. 

In  short,  the  learned  Author,  in  imitation  of  high  au- 
thorities, solicits  the  indulgence  of  the  public  :— 1.  With 
regard  to  the  appearance  of  our  common  Uncle  Sam. 
Although,  he  is  old  enough  to  be  very  whimsical,  he  is 


9 

like  the  Author,  a  green  character  on  the  stage.  He 
will  occasionally  make  his  appearance  on  various  parts 
of  it ;  bouncing  like  a  Sturgeon,  sinking  out  of  sight  and 
soon  after  thundering  out  at  a  distant  part.  Now  if 
any  one  should  be  so  impertinent  as  to  enquire  how  he 
travelled,  some  of  onr  Novel-readers,  would  be  the  most 
proper  persons  to  solve  the  difficulty.  2.  It  will  be  ob- 
served that  another  hand  besides  the  professed  author's 
has  fingered  occasionally  in  the  work. 

This,  with  the  discerning,  will  form  no  objection. — * 
Of  this  character  will  be  the  next  chapter.  The  learn- 
ed ancestors  of  mine  uncle  Zachary  are  well  known  to 
the  Hebrew  public.  And  although  the  Author  at  first 
resolved  to  have  no  Mosaic  work  in  the  splendid  struc- 
ture, yet  it  occurred  to  him  that  variety  ever  has  its  at- 
tractions and  it  is  well  known  that  Stanhold  and  Hop- 
kin's  translated  Psalms  in  company.  Having  said  this; 
the  Author  submits  himself  to  the  acutely  censorious, 
allowing  them  to  use  the  Bircheu.  rod  whenever  tiiey 
<*an  find  him. 


-2* 


CHAPTER  II. 

SOME  ACCOUNT  OP  THOMAS,  THE  MAGICIAN. 

1.  AND  it  came  to  pass,  fell  out,  or  happened,  some* 
what  before  the  time  at  which  our  history  begins,  that 
there  arose  a  mighty  man  in  the  land,  called  Thomas, 
the  Magician,  on  account  of  his  great  skill  and  cunning 
in  dark  and  mysterious  projects. 

2.  This  man  when  in  his  full  strength,  was  a  mighty 
man  of  valor,  and  withal  very  tender  hearted ;  inso- 
much that  in  the  first   notable  quarrel  between  John 
Bull  and  Uncle  Sam,  he  betook  himself  to  a  huge  cav- 
ern lest  his  great  strength  and  valor  might  do  overmuch 
violence  to  his  enemies- 

3.  Here  he  studied  magie  Necromancy  and  all  the 
tiurious  arts  that  serve  to  make  a  man  great  in  the  eyes 
»f  the  multitude. 

4.  This  Thomas  was  moreover,  of  a  religious  turn  of 
mind  for,  whereas  Uncle  Sam  acknowledged   only  one 
God,  Thomas  professed  to  believe  in  twenty  or  none  as 
occasion   required  :    Whence  it  came  to  pass  that  the 
multitude  for  the  space  of  many  years,  cried  out  "  great 
is  Thomas  the  Magician." 

5.  And  it  fell  out  that  in  process  of  time,  Thomas  fix- 
ed his  eye  on  the  chief  steward  ship  ;  for  thus  he  rea- 
soned with  himself,  Behold  now  the  multitude  of  the 
people  crieth  after  me,  and  although  George  who  is  now 
chief  steward,  is  greatly  beloved  by  the  people  yet  he 
now  governeth  the  household  of  Samuel  by  a  new  cove- 
nant unto  which  divers  of  tfeem  have  not  willingly  con- 


11 

Sented  ;  therefore  I  will  listen  diligently,  and  whenso- 
ever I  hear  a  murmuring,  I  will  say  unto  the  people, 
Would  it  not  have  been  better  thus  ?  Behold  did  I  not 
forewarn  thee  ? 

6.  And  so  it  came  to  pass,  that  he  began  to  take  the 
servants  by  the  hand,  and  say  unto  them,  "  O  that  I 
were  made  judge  in  the  Land,  that  any  man  having  a 
matter,  should  come  to  me  and  I  would  do  him  justice." 

7.  Nevertheless  the  people  were  not  minded  to  heark- 
en to  him  for  this  time,   so  that  John  became  chief 
steward. 

8.  Yet  during  the   stewardship  of  John,  which  was 
fifty  and  two  moons,  Thomas  ceased  not  to  vex  the  un- 
derstanding of  the  multitude  and  to  cause  them  to  find 
much  fault  with  the   conduct  of  John  and  the  wife  of 
Samuel,  and  caused  many  grievous  and  sore  complaints 
to  be  brought  against  them  : 

9.  Behold  said  Thomas,  how  mine  Uncle  Samuel  hath 
fought  in  times  past  against  John  Bull  and  hath  prevail- 
ed, nevertheless  he  oweth  at  this  time,  many  talents  of 
silver  ; 

10.  Yet  John  ceaseth  not  to  build  ships  and  to  have 
bowmen  and  spearmen  not  a  few,  and  to  lay  many 
grievous  burthens  on  the  people  and  crieth  out  "  the  Phi- 
listines," when  no  enemy  is  near,  and  the  whole  Land  is 
in  peace. 

11.  And  see  ye  not  this  woman,  in  whom  the  heart 
ef  mine  Uncle  Samuel  is  bound  up,  how  she  walketh  in 
the  pride  of  her   imagination,  and  hath  bought  many 
costly  ornaments  of  silk  and  of  purple,  and   delighteth 
in  hoods  and  ear-rings  and  bracelets  and  nose-jewels 
and  saith  1  sit  a  Queen." 


12 

12.  Moreover,  she  wliispereth  in  secret   and  backbi- 
teth  and  mocketh  at  all  who  walk  not  in  her  ways  and 
approve  not  of  her  evil  doings. 

13.  And  thus  did  Thomas  stir  up  the  minds  of  the 
people   against  John  and  they   waxed   wroth  against 
John  and  they   thrust  him  out  of  the  stewardship  and 
said  unto  Thomas   "  Reign  thou  over  us."     And  unto 
Samuel  they  said.   The  counsel  of  this  woman  is  not 
"ood,  for  she  wasteth  thy  substance 

14.  Lo  !   no.v  put  her  a\vay.  and  take  unto  thee  the 
Damsel  which  Thomas  hath  provided,  for  lie  hath  pro- 
ved her.     So  Samuel   hearkened   unto  the   people  and 
put  away  his  wife,   and    the  thing  grieved  George  sore. 

lo.  Howbeit  he  put  her  away  and  took  the  damsel, 
even  the  woman  which  Thomas  had  appointed  ;  and 
he  went  in  unto  her  and  She  became  his  wife. 

16.  Now  Thomas  had  instructed  her  aforetime   and 
said,   whenever  it  shall   come  to  pass  that  thou  shalt 
rule  in  the  house  of  Samuel,  whatsoever  I  shall  bid  you 
to  do,  that  shalt  thou  do  without  gainsaying;  and  she 
said,  I  will. 

17.  Moreover,   Thomas  reasoned  with  himself  and 
said,  I  have  obtained  the  stewardship  by  means  of  de- 
ceiving the  people,  and  speaking  many  tilings   against 
the  acts  of  all  those  that  have  gone  before  me.     Now 
I  will  consider  not  what  is  vise   and  just  to  be  done  ; 
but  what   George  and   John  have  done,  arid  as  they 
have  done,  so  will  I  not  do. 

18.  So  he  straightway  thrust  out  all  the   servants  of 
the  Kitchen  and  of  the  household,  even  the  chief  But- 
ler and  chief  Baker,  (for  he  said,  lest  they  make  known 
iny  deeds)  and  put  others  in  their  stead.     And  unto 


13 

the  Publicans  and  Tax-Gatherers  he  said,  What  do  ye, 
oppressing  the  people  ?    and  he  oast  them  out. 

19  And  unto  the  Bowmen  and  Spearmen  he  said. 
What  mean  ye  by  this  armor  ?  Wist  ye  not  that  the 
Land  is  in  peace  ?  And  why  are  there  such  mighty 
ships  on  the  great  waters  ?  peradventure  John  Bull 
shall  steal  upon  them  unawares,  and  take  them  away, 
for  he  loveth  treachery  and  deceit.  And  he  said  unto 
them,  ye  shall  even  take  them  and  the  price  shall  be 
what  seemeth  good  unto  you.  And  they  did  so. 

20.  And  Thomas  said  unto  the  wife  of  Samuel,  for- 
asmuch as  we  have   spoken  against  costly  attire,  ye 
shall  put  off  your  ornaments. 

21.  The  wages  of  our  servants  shall  be  made  less  for 
even  this  we  have  promised  unto  the  people,  inasmuch 
as  we  have  spoken  loudly  against  John  for  all  his  ex- 
travagance in  the  household  of  Samuel ;  wherefore,  ye 
shall  speak  unto  the  servants,  and  he  that  aforetime 
hath  received  ten  talents,  shall  receive  five,  and  he  that 
received  two,  shall  receive  one. 

22.  Howbeit,  the  woman   communed  with  the  ser- 
vants and  said,  Hear  ye  what  Thomas  saith  ?  Now  the 
wages  ye  receive  are  not  too  much,  ye  shall  even  keep 
them,  for  behold,  Thomas  himself,  now  he  hath  obtain- 
ed the  chief-stewardship,  receiveth  twenty-five  talents, 
the  same  that  hath  been  aforetime.     And  they  said 
unto  her,  Thy  counsel  is  good. 

23.  Moreover  when  Thomas  first  came  into  the  stew- 
ardship he  assembled  all  the  people  together,  and  spake 
smoothly  unto  them,  and  whereas  he  knew  that  there 
was  a  division  amongst  the  people,  which  himself  had 
caused,  he  said,  ye  are  all  brethren,   wot  ye  not  that 
ye  are  all  Jews,  ye  are  all  Samaritans,  therefore  strive 


14 

not  one  against  another.  Your  affairs  prosper  and  your 
gold  overfloweth,  Therefore  be  ye  not  dismayed,  for  I 
will  render  equal  and  exact  justice  unto  all,  and  I  will 
give  unto  Labor  the  bread  it  has  earned. 

24.  And  the  people  rejoiced  exceedingly,  howbeit, 
some  duit-bted.. 

25.  And  in  those  days,  certain  evil  minded  men  rose 
up  against  Thomas  and  said,  Thou  hast  broken   down 
the  defences  wherein  we  trusted  and  hast  sold  the  ships 
wherein  we  went  down  upon  the  Great  waters,  and  the 
spearmen  arc  driven   away  and  scattered  to  and  fro, 
and  peradventure  John  Bull,  or  Apollyon  the  king  of 
the  Assyrians,  shall  come  and  shall  war  against  us,  and 
we  shall  be  devoured  before  them. 

26.  And  Thomas  said  I  will  build  boats  a  great  multi- 
tude,  the  price  whereof  .-hall  be  but  few  talents  j  and 
when  the  enemy  ?c<nh  them  he  shall  be  afraid,  and  shall 
depart  from  cur  borders. 

27.  Moreover,  I  have  made  a  parchment  roll,  where- 
in I  have  said  many  grievous  things  against  John  and 
his  servants,  and  when  they  see  it  and  read  the  matter 
that  is  written,   they  shall  be  afraid  and  their  knees 
shall  smite  together. 

28.  Nevertheless  the  servants  of  Bull  appeared  full 
of  haughtiness  and  with  swelling  words,  had  the  boats 
of  Thomas  in  derision ;  and  even  the  parchment  roll 
they  regarded  not,   and  being  exceedingly  puffed  up, 
blasphemed  against  the  magic  and  wisdom  of  Thomas 
by  which  he  divined. 

29.  Moreover,  the  servants  of  Apollyon  came  and 
possessed  the  wilderness  of  Sin,  which  lieth  on  the  brook 
Iliddekel,  to  the  South  and  to  the  West  of  the  plains  of 
Samuel,     Ami  the  servants  of  Apollyon  became  ex- 


15 

ceedingly  troublesome,  and  strove  with  them,  sayiisg. 
Ye  shall  not  wash  in  the  brook,  nor  lay  your  stuff  by 
the  side  thereof. 

30.  And  these  tidings  amazed  Thomas,  and  he  said. 
What  shall  I  do  ?  I  will  even  buy  the   wilderness  for  a 
price,  even  the  wilderness  of  Sin-    And  he  bought  it  for 
fifteen  talents  of  Gold. 

31.  For  he  said,  The  Country  stretcheth  even  to  the 
going  down  of  the   sun,   and  now  this   woman  which 
Samuel  hath  taken  unto  him.  betokeneth  to  have  many 
Children. 

32.  Moreover  I  will  send  into  the  far  countries,  to- 
wards the  sun  rising,  even  over  the  great  Avaters,  and  I 
will  bring  over  the  Mind,   the  halt  and  the  lame,   and 
even  him  that  parteth  the  hoof  and  cheweth  not  the 
cud,  I  will  not  refuse. 

33.  And  those  that  have  committed  any  manner  of 
abomination  and  have  been   thrust  out  of  their  habita- 
tions, shall  be  received  within  our  gates  and  shall  even 
bear  rule  in  our  household. 

34.  For,   inasmuch  as  I  have  received  wisdom   of 
twenty  gods,  it  is  no  marvel  if  I  shall  cause  them  to  re- 
frain from   their  evil  doings,    and  they   shall  establish 
me  in  mine  office.     And  the  tiling  phased  the  wife  of 
Samuel  insomuch  that  her  heart  leaped  within  her  for 

j°y- 

35.  And  it  came  to  pnss  that  Joan  Bali  warred  with 
\pollvon  on  the  great   waters,  and  prevailed  ;  but  on 

the  Land  Apollyon  prevailed,  and  the  nations  were  dis- 
comfited and  fled  like  Grasshoppers  before  him. 

36.  And  they  each  of  them  questioned  with  Samuel 
and  said  -join  with  me,  join  with  me.''     And  Samuel 
smote  upon  his  forehead,  and  was  perplexed. 


16 

37.  And  the  servants  of  Bull  took  the  merchandize 
'  of  Samuel  and  of  his  Merchants.    And  in  like  manner 

<3id  the  servants  of  Apollyon. 

38.  And  the  chief  steward  said,  what  shall  I  do  ? — 
and  he  said  I  will  even  do  this.     I  will  send  forth  a  de- 
cree that  none  of  the  servants  of  Samuel  shall  hence- 
forth trade  upon  the  great  waters,  even  from  the  rising 
of  the  sun  unto  the  going  down  of  the  same. 

39.  And  he  published  the   decree  and  gave  charge 
to  his  servants  saying,  If  ye  find  any  one  using  the 
trade  of  a  Merchant,  or  carrying  his  stuff  upon  the 
great  waters,  ye  shall  take  them,  and  take  away  their 
stuff  and  the  ship  wherewith  they  dealt. 

40.  And  the  people  cried  out,  and  said  unto  the  chief 
steward,  Thou  hast  done  us  great   mischief,   for  divers 
of  us  have  no  other   means  cf  providing  food  for  our 
little  ones,  save  that  we  trafiic  on  the  great  waters,  and 
Lo,  now  our  Ships  have  become  food  for  worms. 

41.  Moreover   they  said  our   fathers   did  not  thus, 
when  the  Assyrians  did  us  mischief  aforetime,  they  re- 
sisted unto  blood  and  prevailed. 

42.  And  Thomas  was  wroth   and  chode  with  them 
saying,  '•  What  mean  ye  to  find  fault  always  and  to 
vex  mine  heart ;  behold  now,  for  these  many  years,  ye 
have  dealt  on    the  great  waters  and   have  increased 
your  substance,  and  have  waxed  fat  and  have  kicked. 
V7hen  your  substance  was  wasted  by  the  enemy,  ye 
complained   and  lo   now  I  have   commanded  you  to 
keep  yourselves  in  safety,  and  still  ye  complain.'' 

43.  And  the   people  answered  and  said,   when  our 
foes  destroyed  our  substance  we  asked  for  protection ; 
Yea,  we  had  a  right  to  demand  it,  inasmuch  as  we  pay 
every  year,  into  the  treasury,  many  talents.    Albeit  we 


i? 

have  only  insisted  on  the  privilege  el'  defending  oiu- 


44.  And  moreover  thou  art  kind  and  forbearing  to- 
ward this  wicked  Apollyon,  even  now  while  he  doeth  us 
much  evil,  he  hurneth  our  ships,  and  casteth   our  men 
into  his  prison,  and  saith  unto  us,   Ye  are  a  feeble  and 
contemptible  people,  yc  are  as  women. 

45.  Then  Thomas  lifted  up  his  voice  and  said,  Yc 
are  a  very   foolish   people,   inasmuch  as  ye  know  not 
your  own  good  ;  What  need  ye  go  upon  the  great  wa- 
ters ?  keep  at  home,  and  ye  shall  be  out  of  danger. 
see  ye  not  the  fields  ?    are  they  not  sufficient  to  afford 
sustenance  for  yourselves  and  your  little  ones. 

46.  It  is  not  wise  that  ye   have   built  ships  j  it  is  a 
very  foolish  tiling,  and  whereas  ye   pretend  that  all 
knowledge  is  with  you  ye  know  nothing  at  all. 

47.  And  as  for  this  Apollyon  of  whom  ye   complain, 
in  that  he  hath  destroyed  your  substance,  burned  your 
ships,  and  cast  your  young  men  into  prison,  he  mean- 
cth  you  not  evil,  but  good  in  that  he   hath  done  this, 
for  he  seeth  ye  are  fools  to  have  ships,  and  knowctb 
that  ye  ought  to  be  keepers  of  flocks  and  craftsmen  ; 
but  as  for  Bull  he  meaneth  you  evil,   and  his  heart  is 
fully  stt  in  him  to  do  wickedly.     But  as  for  this  Apol- 
lyon hath  he  not  declared  that  he  loveth  us  ? 

48.  So  Thomas  regarded  not  the  cry  of  the  people, 
for  he  said,  Wisdom  is  with  me. 

49.  And  it  came  to  pass,   that  at  the  end  of  every 
year,  even  at  the  full  moon,  Thomas  made  a  speech 
unto  the  people,  "  ye  have  Gold  in  abundance  and  youi 
substance  is  increasing  j  Wot  ye  not  that  I  have   done 
'this  by  my  wisdom  r" 

3 


IB 

50.  And  as  the  time  drew  nigh  when  Thomas  must 
depart  from  the  stewardship,  he  said,  Lo  now  these  ma- 
ny years  have  I  served  you,  I  have  not  ceased  to  build 
yon  up  and  to  make  you  a  great  people  and  even  now 
your  Gold  overflowetli ;  now  consider  what  ye  shall  do 
with  it,  for  ye   have  not  where  to  bestow  it  and  if  ye 
have  much  treasure  laid  up,  behold  it  bringeth  forth 
pride,  and  begetteth  wars. 

51.  (Albeit,  certain  lewd  fellows  of  the  baser  sort, 
rose  up  and  said,  the  burden  of  too  much  treasure,  will 
not  be  numbered  among  the  cares  of  those   who  come 
after  thee.) 

52.  And   Thomas  did  that   which  was  right  in  the 
sight  of  his  own  eyes,  and  brought  many  from  far  coun- 
tries to  dwell   in  the  land  of  Samuel;  even  Thomas 
the  high  priest,  from  the  Land  of  Apollyon,  to  burn  in- 
cense upon  his  altars,  and  wrote  a  letter  unto  him  witli 
his  own  hand. 

53.  And  it  fell  out  in  the  Stewardship  of  John,  that 
he  made  a  decree  saying  thou  slialt  not  speak  evil  of 
the  rulers  of  thy  people  ;  thou  shall  not  lie.     And  the 
thing  displeased  Thomas  and  he  said  the  decree  is  not 
good,  So  he  destroyed  the  decree  and  said  thou   may- 
est  lie ;  but  thou  shall  not  speak  the  truth   against  llie 
rulers  of  thy  people. 

54.  And  he  searched  and  found  a  certain  man  whom 
John  had  cast  into  prison  for  speaking  falsely,  and  he 
took  him   thence   and  spake   kindly  unto  him,   and  re- 
stored to  him  the  two  hundred  pieces  of  silver  which 
he  had  paid  for  his  evil  speaking. 

55.  And  whereas  John  had  warred  againt  Apollyon, 
and  had   taken  from  him  a  great  ship,   even  a  ship  of 
.war,  Thomas  caused  tlie  damage  of  the  ship  to  be 


made  up,  and  the  price  of  it  was  thirty  and  two  thou- 
sand pieces  of  Silver,  and  he  restored  the  ship  to  the 
servants  of  Apollyon,  for  he  said  we  are  all  brethren 
and  Apollyon  loveth  us. 

56.  And   Thomas  excelled  in  wisdom  alt  that  went 
before  him,  insomuch  that  it  is  a  common  saying  unto 
this  day,  There  is  none  like  him. 

57.  And  he  wrote  a  book  containing  many  wise  say- 
ings, and  much  wisdom  ;  for  he  spake  of  mountains  and 
rivers  and  fishes  ;  and  of  trees  from  the  Oak  that  mak- 
eth  the  beams  of  ships,  to  the  Tobacco  plant  that  burn- 
eth  before  the  nostrils. 

58.  And  he  spake  moreover  of  men,  from  the  man 
of  fair  and  ruddy  complexion  to  the  red  man  of  the 
forest,  and  even  to  the  Etheopian  whose  wool  is  upon 
his  head.     And  he  spake  of  them   wisely,  even  from 
the  color  of  the  skin,  to  that  which  pertaineth  to  the 
foreskin,  and  which  remaineth  within  the  loins,  and  be- 
hind the  kidneys. 

59.  And  he  spake  also  of  beasts,  from  the  Mammoth 
that  browzeth  on  the  tops  of  the  mountains,  to  the  dog 
of  the  meadow,  even  the  Prairie  dog  ;  and  also  of  the 
frog,  even  the  horned  frog  that  leapeth  in  the  mud. 

60.  And  he  declared  moreover  unto  the  people,  that 
in  the  wilderness  of  Sin  there  was  salt,  even  a  moun- 
tain of  salt,  in  so  great  abundance  that  although  much 
of  it  should  be  taken  away,  yet  it  should  not  seem  to 
fce  wasted. 

61.  And  the  time  drew  nigh,   when  Thomas  must 
1<save  the  stewardship,  he  retired  within  his  own  im- 
portance.    And  the  rest  of  the  acts  of  Thomas,  and 

all  *he  wise  things  which  he  said,  and  the  foolish  things 


tin 

which  he  did.  are  they  not  written  on  the  leaves  ef 
Stridepole,  and  engraved  on  the  hearts  of  the  children 
of  Samuel.  And  Thomas  was  gathered  unto  himself— 
and  James  the  son  of  a  G n,  reigned  in  his  stead. 


CHAPTER  III. 

POLICY  OP  JACQUES — DIALOGUE  BETWEEN  TJNCLE  SAM  AN» 
HIS  SQUIRE — FI^L  RESOLUTION  OP  UNCLE  SAM. 

IT  need  hardly  be  mentioned  that  Jacques  no  sooner 
had  the  management  of  mine  Uncle's  estate  than  he  de- 
clared himself  pleased  with  the  policy  of  the  Magi- 
cian of  whom  mine  uncle  Zachary  hath  discoursed  so 
learnedly.  Being  the  third  of  the  pipeweed  Dynasty, 
he  determined  to  be  at  least  the  second  in  the  philoso- 
phic regime  of  the  family  ;  and  to  endeavor  to  teach 
Uncle  Sam's  boys,  (what  indeed  the  stubborn  dunces 
were  very  loth  to  learn)  that  by  mere  dint  of  reason- 
ing, they  might  bear  the  chastisement  of  Scorpions  with 
philosophic  fortitude  and  Christian  meekness,  while  a 
smart  tingling  of  the  whip  should  start  them  into  re- 
vengeful action,  and  rouse  them  to  tiptoe-indignation. 
It  was  alledged  that  that  dumb,  yet  faithful  animal,  the 
horse,  had  been  taught  to  receive  the  friendly  pattings 
and  the  scourging  lash,  with  the  same  Stoic  acquiesence 
from  his  master,  while  he  would  kick  indignantly  at  the 
stranger  who  merely  spoke  to  or  pointed  at  him.  How 
much  then  is  a  man  better  and  more  rational  than  a 
horse  ? 

While  Jacques  was  thus  ruminating  on  the  events  of 
the  times,  a  comparative  view  of  the  fame  which  now 
is,  with  that  reputation,,  which  the  approbatory  voice 
of  a  cool-headed  posterity  usually  confers,  presented 
itself  to  his  mind.  "  If  I  follow  said  he,  the  example  of 
my  predecessor  in  office  and  of  my  friend  Nap,  I  shall 
3* 


regard  solely  the  incidents  of  the  present  moment  ; 
To  be  artful  in  managing  events,  is  to  be  successful — 
to  be  successful  is  to  be  famous— to  be  famous  is  to  be 
great,  and  what  more  is,  or  can  be  desired,  or  wished 
for?  Alexander  accomplished  no  more,  and  perished 
before  he  was  forty ;  he  reached. not  the  full  measure 
even  of  that  short  span  of  existence  commonly  allotted 
to  mortals  ;  he  sunk  into  his  grave,  whilst  the  peal  of 
adulation  was  sounding  in  full  chorus  on  his  ear,  and 
before  the  elements  had  time  to  blot  out  the  sanguinary 
Stains  which  marked  the  pathway  of  his  glory." 

"  Coesar,  on  the  day  previous  to  the  memorable  bat- 
tle of  Pharsalia,  spent  no  time  in  weighing  the  judg- 
ments of  poster! iy,  he  cared  not  a  fig  for  the  good  or 
ill  opinion  which  succeeding  ages  might  form  of  his 
moral  principles  or  political  conduct.  And  while  the 
>'elf  sufficient  Pompey  was  playing  cards  and  drinking 
wine,  he  was  arranging  the  plan  of  attack  on  the  com- 
ing day,  a  day  which  was  to  decide  the  Liberties  of 
Rome,  and  give  a  master  to  the  bone  and  sinew  of 
the  world. 

"  Eut  nearer  home. — Did  our  friend  Nap  muse  about 
the  judgement  of  posterity  when  he  decided  the  fate 
of  Switzerland  and  Holland  ?  Did  he  dread  the  sober 
page  of  the  moralist,  when  he  despatched  his  prisoners 
at  Jaffa.  When  he  executed  the  Duke  of  Enghein  and 
the  unfortunate  Bookseller  Palm  ?  No,  he  reasoned,  and 
justly  too  i  give  me  Empire  and  let  my  fame  take  care 
of  itself,' — "  Take  no  thought  for  the  morrow,"  (that 
is  for  the  morrow  of  future  ages,)  is  a  wise  precept — 
rather  let  me  take  thought  for  the  Stewardship ;  for  it 
is  settled  that  we  full  bloods  of  the  Pipeweed  family, 
shall  twice  possess  the  Stewardship.  The  first  term  I 


23 

am  sure  of,  and  if  war  with  John  Bull  is  necessary  t» 
secure  it  again,  war  it  shall  be.  When  my  predeces- 
sor caused  the  repeal  of  the  internal  duties  he  regard- 
ed present  not  future  good,  for  the  popular  cry  then 
was,  "  no  taxes."  And  when  the  public  voice  says 
war  and  taxes,  so  it  must  be ;  no  matter  by  what  means 
that  voice  has  been  produced,  or  influenced." 

Thus  ejaculated  the  chief  steward,  Sangrado  made  a 
profound  bow  and  repaired  to  the  tent  of  Uncle  Sara, 
whom  he  found  smoking  his  pipe,  and  in  a  posture 
more  than  usually  thoughtful.  Well,  said  mine  Uncle, 
Sangrado,  what  is  the  serious  world  about  ?  What  news 
of  Bull,  what  of  Nap,  what  says  the  chief  Steward,  do 
we  have  war  or  peace  ?  I  .begin  to  grow  tired  of  this 
state  of  things.  If  we  have  war,  Sangrado,  I  must  tell 
you  I  am  not  a  little  fearful  of  this  nag  Democracy,  a 
fine  Beast,  O  as  true  as  the  needle,  a  fine  Beast  to  ride 
to  Elections  on  and  manage  state  affairs  in  time  of 
peace  ;  but  in  war,  when  the  battle  rages,  I  am  afraid* 
— ah  I  am  afraid  tiie  restive  truant  wont  like  the  smell 
of  powder  ;  ah  and  its  no  trifling  affair  to  meet  Joha 
Bull  in  the  field,  I've  tryM  it  once  I  know  all  about  it. 
I  had  a  different  horse  when  1  met  him  at  Bunker-hill, 
at  Saratoga,  at  Trenton  and  Yorktown. — Ah  the  good 
old  horse  Buckskin- Yankee-George  could  manage  him, 
aye  he  knew  him,  there  was  no  more  dodge  to  him 
than  there  is  to  Mount  Andes  ; — these  were  golden 
days  for  the  fame  of  Uncle  Sam,  this  accursed  French. 
Colt  was  not  hatched  then. 

Oh  fie,  your  honor  replied  the  Squire,  never  was  a 
better  beast  since  asses  came  in  fashion — full  of  mettle, 
I  have  tried  him  at  tilting  and  thrusting,  and  at  pursu- 
ing a  flying  and  disarmed  foe  there  is  not  his  equal  ia 


24 

creation  : — and  really  sir,  if  the  contest  comes  OB,  it  is 
expected  there   will  be  little  else  to  do  than  pick  up 
stragglers  :  War  once  declared,  Bull  with  all  his  colors 
wjll  fly  at  the  mere  sound  of  your  name.     Your  honor's 
Lady  has  declared,  and  certainly  she  knows,  that  five 
thousand  men  will  scour  the  whole  Country,  and  march 
into  Quebec.     This  she  had  from  Peter  the  fisherman, 
who  lives  on  the  borders  of  Bulls  dominions,  and  may 
be  considered  as  knowing  more   about  the  matter  than 
any  one  of  your  Honor's  family.     This  Peter  is  an  un- 
common wag,  it  was  but  lately,  when  "  he  girt  his  Fish- 
ers coat  about  him,"  that  he  perceived  it  was  turned  in~ 
side  out  and  perceiving  the  joke  pleased  your  Ladv,  he 
has  worn  it  so  ever  since — the   surname   "  fisherman" 
has  been  appended  to  his  name,  on  account  of  the^sA- 
ing  disposition  he  has  shewn  after  an  office,  and  if  war 
is  declared,  we  can   do  no  less  than  make  him  con- 
tractor.— Besides  we  have  the  testimony  of  the  Thun- 
der and  lightning-man,   called    by   Tom  Boston,   the 
southern  glow-worm — he  has  declared  Bull  and  all  his 
race  to  be  a  set  of  cowardly  caitiffs,  and  that  one  of 
your  free-born  soldiers  will   drive  a  thousand  of  his 
slaves.     Yea,  he  went  so  far  as  to  declare  that "  if  he 
had  the  command  of  the  red  Artillery  of  Heaven,  he 
would  drive  that  fast  anchored  Isle  from  its  moorings." 
• — But  think  once  your  Honor,  what  such  a  man  would 
do  if  made  General ; — even  these  words  once  fairly  set 
in  a  proclamation,  as  we  put  the  words  "  Genuine  Re- 
publicans," at  the  head  of  our  Election  Bills,  my  word 
for  it,  Bull  would  faint  with  fear,  before  he  had  half 
finished  the  reading. 

Uncle  Sam  rejoined ;  I  know  that  the  steward,  Thorn* 
as,  and  my  Wife  have  had  great  faith  in  this  wordy 


25 

armour,  they  have  learnt  this  from  Nap  ;  but  I'll  tell 
you  Sangrado,  betwixt  you  and  me,  I  have  no  great 
faith  in  such  nostrums.  True,  I  have  given  up  the 
management  to  her  and  the  Chief  Steward,  and  what- 
ever plan  they  devise  I  am  in  duty  bound  to  execute. 
But  I  must  insist  that  I  know  John  Bull  better  than  all 
of  you  ;  I  know  he  is  a  villainous  tyrannical  dog ;  but 
I  know  also,  that  he  is  no  coward,  ami  that  when  once 
we  get  him  into  a  corner  and  have  raised  his  anger  as  I 
have  seen  it,  we  shall  want  something  besides  the  nine 
parts  of  Speech  to  fight  him  with.  You  might  then  show 
him  a  string  of  adverbs  as  long  as  my  garters,  printed 
in  letters,  as  large  as  mill-posts,  you  could  not  start  him 
to  wink  his  eye.  You  tell  about  Peter  the  Fisherman, 
give  me  no  Peter  but  salt-petre,  to  fight  Bull  with,  and 
that  well  made  into  double  cannon  powder.  And  then 
there's  your  Thunder  and  lightning  man — all  wind,  all 
stuff.  I  tell  you,  John  Bull,  once  in  a  rage  as  I've  seen 
him,  would  snuff  up  an  army  of  such  fellows  at  one 
pump  of  his  nose,  and  not  known  that  any  think  had 
happened.  Besides,  my  honest  Squire,  I'll  tell  you,  if 
1  am  to  fight,  be  it  known,  that  Uncle  Sam  will  never 
have  the  reputation  of  going  to  war  with  a  coward,  he 
will  never  put  on  his  armor  to  pursue  a  dastard  fugi- 
tive enemy,  and  for  this  plain  reason,  I  am  no  coward 
myself.  Now  tell  my  Lady  and  the  Chief  Steward 
from  me,  if  war  with  Bull  is  determined  on,  to  put  the 
family  in  readiness,  my  boys  have  pluck,  they  have  the 
matter  in  them,  but  then,  they  are  to  be  taken  from 
the  plough  and  the  shop,  they  have  not  used  their  arms 
for  thirty  years,  a  little  practice  will  make  them  fine 
fellows ;  but  then  give  me  enough  of  them,  dont  send 
pie  into  Canada  with  £ve  thpu^ajid  or  ts 


£6 

don*t  coop  me  up  like  a  mouse  in  a  bee-hive  with  te* 
thousand  angry  devils  buzzing  about  my  ears,  block- 
ing up  the  hole  I  went  in  at  and  stinging  me  into  tor- 
ments, give  me  enough  to  see  fair  play,  and  Uncle  Sam 
will  give  the  world  a  good  account  of  himself — Uncle 

Sam  is  no  coward  ;  no,  Bunker-hill  knows  that. Aye, 

and  there's  another  thing,  see  that  the  big  guns  are  in 
readiness,  all  cleaned  and  fit  for  service.  Let  my  old 
military  suit  be  brushed  up>  and  cuch  articles  as  are 
wanting  in  any  part  of  my  armor,  lot  them  be  supplied; 
don't  send  me  off  in  quest  of  adventures  like  Don-Quix- 
ote with  a  paste-board  vizor,  give  me  my  old  Beaver, 
it  has  weathered  the  storms  of  forty  years,  it's  the  best 
hat  now  in  Christendom.  See  that  we  have  plenty  of 
provisions  and  cash  for  the  expedition  ;  I  have  been 
through  one  war,  and  have  smarted  enough  for  the 
want  of  these  things.  Take  time  more  slowly  and 
surely,  war  is  not  the  work  of  a  day  j  dont  let  us  like 
the  brainsick  Knight  of  La  Mancha,  get  three  days' 
journey  from  home  before  we  know  whether  we  want 
either  meat  or  drink.  Uncle  Sam  lives  by  eating  and 
drinking. 

Softly  your  worship,  said  Sangrado,  for  I  suspect 
Tom  Boston,  is  lurking  about  us,  he  is  a  troublesome 
guest,  whenever  he  meets  one,  he  is  always  boring 
away  about  French  influence  and  such  nonsense; — But. 
to  the  purpose.  I  intreat  your  honor,  to  put  yourelf 
to  no  further  trouble  about  the  preparation  for  the  war, 
and  to  indulge  no  fear  for  the  issue  of  the  contest. — For 
to  tell  you  the  plain  truth,  war  has  been  for  some  tim§ 
determined  on,  and  our  friend  Nap  has  promised  to 
give  Bull  full  employment  on  the  other  side  of  the  water, 
!?o  that  he  will  be  able  to  spare  very  few  of  his  men  to 


27 

annoy  us  ,• — We  must  keep  in  with  this  Nap,  for  after 
we  once  get  Bull  on  his  back,  we  may  want   his  assist- 
ance to  put   Tom  Boston   down.     For  in   fact   as  the 
ehief  steward  and  your  Honor's  Lady  says,  there  can 
be  no  peace  so  long  as  Bull  is  permitted  to  exercise  his 
intolerable  tyranny  on  the  big  waters,   the  great  high- 
way of  nations,  and  as  for  this  insolent   Tom   Boston 
there  is  no  end  to  his  impudence.     Let  the  decclaration 
once  come  out  and  we'll  soon  put  to  silence  all  his 
noise  about  French  influence — and  French  Spoliations. 
Hold  hold  said  LTncle  Sam,   I'll  have  no  quarrelling  in 
my  family.     I  know  Tom  is  a  self  sufficient  fellow,  but 
he  knows  his  place,  lie  rcted  his   part  well  formerly, 
he'll  not  interrupt  our  business ;  let  there  be  no  quarrel- 
ing in  the  family  I  sav,  for  if  war  is  once  on,   we  shall 
need  all  our  strength  ;  besides  John  Bull  is  too  strong  for 
us  on  the  water,  and  we  must  depend  entirely  on  Tom 
Boston   to  handle    him    there.     Aye  I  know  Tom,   he 
understands  handling  an  oar  and  pointing  a  gun,   only 
give  him  the  same   weight  of  metal  that   Bull  carries 
and  he'll  send  all  his   ships  to  the  Devil. — 1  say   let  us 
have  peace  in  the  family.     Tom  is  a  little  waspish  just 
now — he  has  been  deprived  for  some  time  past  of  his 
accustomed  trade  at  sea,  be  a  little  softly,  he  complains 
of  Nap,  and  not  without  some  reason,  for  that  Corsicau 
puppy  has  used   us  but  scurvlly  to  tell  the  truth — he 
has  taken  and  burnt  our  ships,  imprisoned  our  Sailors^ 
and  sequestered  the  property  of  our   Merchants,  and 
we  have  not  made  half  the   noise  about   the  whole, 
that  we  did  about  Bull's  attack  on  the  Chesapeake. — 
But  once  more  to  the  purpose,  how  are  our  harbors  to 
be  defended  ?  I  wish   now  we  had  those   ships  which 
flat  Philosophic  Steward  of  mine,  sold  to  raise   mon- 


28 

fry  to  buy  popularity  with,  I'd  rather  have  one  geod 
heavy  frigate  than  all  the  jack-o-lantern  popularity  in 
the  world  to  go  to  war  with  ;  good  strong  heavy  can- 
non thunder,  Sangrado,  that's  the  hest  thing  to  meet 
John  Bull  with,  none  of  your  paltry  gun  Boats,  for  har- 
bor defence,  the  breath  of  a  Seventy-four  will  blow 
them  all  to  the  devil.  Ah,  we've  philosophized  too 
much,  and  what  does  it  all  amount  to  ?  Philosophy 
never  warmed  a  cold  limb,  or  filled  a  gaunt  belly.  I 
like  something  more  practical ;  the  best  way  to  reason 
with  an  unreasonable  being,  is  to  meet  him  with  s\vord 
in  one  hand  and  a  club  in  the  other,  so  that  if  you 
cannot  run  him  through,  you  may  knock  him  down* 
Well,  Sangrado,  give  my  love  to  my  Lady,  tell 
her  not  to  be  too  intimate  with  Jacques — I  shall  keep 
a  sharp  look  out  for  them — Tell  them  I'll  be  ready — Tell 
them  I'm  wide  awake,  Uncle  Sam  will  never  be  caught 
napping  — Bring  me  a  glass  of  Whiskey  boy.  When 
common  sense  points  her  finger,  fools  run  the  wrong 
way.  A  plague  on  all  cpwards !  Bring  me  a  glass  of 
Whiske>  ! 


CHAPTER  IV. 

HOUSEHOLD    AFFAIRS SITUATION  OF    THE    STRO\^    li OX- 
SINGULAR    EXPEDIENT    TO    REPLENISH    IT CONFERENCE 

BETWEEN  THE   CHIEF  STEWARD  AND    UNCLE    SAM's  WIFE 
ARGUMENT   BETWEEN    MADAM    SAM  AND  TOM  BOSTON. 

SANGRADO  whose  office  and  duty  it  was  to  feel  of  the 
pulse  of  Uncle  Sam,  and  cany  messages  and  cards, 
immediately  repaired  to  the  mansion  house,  and  deliv- 
ered the  result  of  his  embassy,  where  he  foun;l  the  Chief 
Steward  in  close  conference  with  Uncle  Sam's  Lady,  in 
the  great  drawing  room. — Madam  appeared  to  be  a  little 
out  of  humor  at  the  hearing  some  part  of  Uncle  Sanrs 
remarks,  and  the  subject  of  conversation  when  the  Squire 
entered  being  chiefly  domestic,  her  Ladyship  remarked 
that  the  great  dining  table  which,  originally  consisted  of 
thirteen  logs,  was  o-it  of  order,  notwithstanding  it  had 
been  repaired  at  different  times,  it  did  not  stand  : 
on  the  floor.  That  even  now  when  the  servants  were 
bringing  on  and  carrying  off  dishes,  an  acci  ' 
would  frequently  give  it  such  a  tilt,  as  to  shake  off  th- 
dishes  and  spill  the  gravy  on  the  guests.  And  allho- 
five  additional  legs  had  been  added  to  it.  rt  t-iiTerenl 
times,  the  vicious  propensity  of  the  lhin<*,  still  continu- 
ed.— They  had  discovered  indeed,  diirirg  the  steward- 
ship of  George,  that  a  large  foreign  Dog,  of  the  Gear- 
van  breed,  had  got  under  the  table,  and  gave  it  such  a 
tilt  as  nearly  to  upset  it,  and  broke  many  of  the  dishes. 
But  this  was  not  the  cause  of  its  frequent  jostling,  for 
the  dog  had  been  taken  into  the  kitchen  and  fed  and 
4 


30 

had  grown  to  such  a  size  that,  he  could  not  in  his  pre- 
sent state,  contract  his  limbs  so  as  to  get  under  the  table 
•without  much  trouble.  The  Chief  Steward  was  for  hav- 
ing it  altered,  in  toto,  and  instead  of  eighteen  legs,  have 
but  one.  Or  bring  it  to  a  kind  of  tripod  in  imitation  of 
John  Bulls  dining  table.  Her  Ladyship  objected  strongly 
to  this,  for  she  said  she  knew  her  husbands  disposition 
So  well  that  she  was  sure  he  would  knock  out  the  brains 
of  any  Cabinet  Maker  who  should  attempt  such  an 
alteration.  Jacques  replied  that  in  his  opinion  the 
amendment  was  practicable?  for  let  Uncle  Sam  only  be 
Sent  off  into  the  army  it  could  be  done  in  a  trice  while 
lie  was  absent,  and  that  if  once  done  he  was  sure  he 
would  be  pleased  with  it.  But  Madam  declared  that  she 
knew  his  humor  so  well,  that  he  would  never  eat  off  of 
it  again,  that  Uncle  Sam  had  always  imputed  the  fault 
to  the  inequalities  in  the  Jloor,  and  that  he  would  never 
submit  to  any  alteration  in  the  Table,  for  she  had  fre- 
quently heard  him  boast  of  the  number  of  its  supporters, 
and  complain  bitterly  of  the  unequal  surface  of  the 
foundation  on  which  it  rested.  But  upon  the  entrance 
of  the  squire  this  desultory  conversation,  yielded  to 
matters  of  higher  moment. 

War  with  Bull  had  been  determined  on,  and  the  mind 
of  Uncle  Sam  had  been  wrought  up  in  some  measure  to 
the  occasion.  Sangrado,  to  be  sure  put  the  best  face  on 
that  part  of  the  message  which  related  to  the  pulse  of 
his  master,  because  he  knew  very  well  what  suited  Jac- 
ques, and  her  Ladyship. 

The  subject  of  the  Strong  box  came  now  under  con- 
sideration. The  Large  Genevan  Cur,  above  mentioned 
had  been  trained  and  employed  to  watch  it.  And  so 
extremely  docile  was  ho,  during  the  period  of  his  puppy- 


31 

hood,  that  his  masters  taught  him  to  bark  ence  a  year 
in  token  of  his  fidelity  and  success  in  guarding  the  Strong 
box.  And  some  went  so  far  as  even  to  affirm  that  the 
Cur  gave  as  many  distinct  yelps,  as  there  were  dollars  in 
the  Strong  box.  It  was  found  on  examination  that  more 
Cash  would  be  wanted  than  could  be  gathered  in  the 
ordinary  way.  It  was  settled  between  the  Chief  Stew- 
ard and  Madam,  that  Uncle  Sam  should  have  a  large- 
bundle  of  Notts  struck  off  at  interest  which  he  should 
sign  at  his  leisure.  These  should  bear  interest,  and 
should  be  considered  in  all  respects,  as  shadowing  forth 
so  much  real  Cash,  as  they  imputed  by  their  denomina- 
tion respectively;  and  should  as  usual  promise  to  pay, 
at  some  given  future  period.  This  they  both  agreed, 
would  meet  all  the  purposes  of  so  much  real  treasure. 
But  for  form's  sake,  it  was  judged  best  to  have  the  matter 
debated  before  the  whole  family.  The  matter  being 
laid  before  the  household  her  Ladyship  introduced  the 
subject,  and  stated  the  advantages  of  the  scheme.  She 
expatiated  at  length,  on  the  facility  with  which  this  kind 
of  money  could  be  carried  and  transported.  She  main- 
tained that  being  compressible  into  a  small  body,  it  vus 
less  liable  than  any  other  money  to  the  depredation  of 
thieves  and  free  booters.  That  Gold  and  Silver  were 
ponderous,  and  no  man  could  carry  any  quantity  abou' 
him  without  creating  suspicion,  holding  out  a  temptation 
to  the  crafty,  designing  and  knavish.  That  a  man  mi^in 
carry  any  given  quantity  of  these  notes  about  him. 
walk  as  tight  as  a  puppet  and  appear  as  tho'  he  was  not 
worth  a  stiver.  That  no  one  could  possibly  object  to 
receive  the  paper,  Uncle  Sam's  responsibility  being  so 
well  known  ;  consequently  any  tender  iav/  would  he  to- 
tally unnecessary,  for  like  weU-brevrd  ale.  it  v.oujd  ?•-*•/;> 


32 

itself  into  circulation  and  credit.  And  this  species  of 
Currency,  added  her  Ladyship,  accords  well  with  the 
genius  of  the  family  government ;  as  these  notes  may 
be  very  pertinently  termed  the  representatives  of  specie, 
so  our  government  is  often  called  representative.  A 
general  nod  of  assent,  was  expressed  by  (he  Coddles  who 
sat  mound  the  room  .it  the  conclusion  of  this  harrangue 
of  her  Ladyship,  but  Tom  Boston,  who  happened  to  be 
present,  r.rul  -vss  in  tho  habit  pf  being  heard  on  such 
occasions,  was  observed  to  look  rather  sour,  while  ?•  lad- 
am  was  delivering  her  speech,  and,  when  her  Ladyship 
"had  finished,  rose  and  made  a.  fe\v  observations  in  reply. 
•'•  I  imagine,  said  he  that  this  mode  of  supplying  the 
Strong  box,  will  not  be  found,  on  experiment,  to  have  all 
the  advantages,  which  this  plausible  theory  seems  to 
promise;  nay  this  mode  of  creating  money,  if  not  pro- 
perly managed,  may  produce  great  inconvenience,  and 
mischief.  It  will  be  received  for  a  while,  perhaps,  with- 
out much  difficulty ;  but  it  is  idle  to  think  of  giving  it  a 
permanent  currency  to  any  considerable  amount,  upon 
the  mere  general  reputation  of  Uncle  Sam's  responsi- 
bility. For  altho'  this  kind  of  paper  has  frequently  been 
made  to  answer  the  most  ordinary  and  important  pur- 
poses of  Coin,  it  never  can  establish  itself  permanently 
without  having  the  precious  Metals  to  back  it,  and  for 
the  basis  on  which  it  rests.  It  is  not  sufficient  that  a 
man  is  worth  the  full  amount,  or  double,  or  treble  for 
which  he  gives  his  paper.  For  all  property  excepting 
the  precious  metals,  is  subject  to  change,  and  liable  from 
a  thousand  causes  beyond  the  control  of  the  most  dis- 
cerning, to  lessen,  or  depreciate.  Neither  is  it  sufficient 
that  a  man  is  able  to  take  up  his  paper,  and  give  a  solid 
consideration,  but  the  fund  which  institutes  Ins  means, 


must  be  so  managed  as  to  afford  a  facility  of  meeting 
his  engagements,  at  all  times,  and  that  without  any  loss 
to  those  who  hold  his  paper :  and  it  is  further  quite  ma- 
terial, that  his  fund,  as  well  as  the  Stamina,  on  which 
depends  its  occasional  repletion,  should  be  so  conducted 
and  secured  as  to  place  both  as  much  as  possible  beyond 
the  reach  of  contingency.  Now  if  Uncle  Sam  issues 
these  notes,  some  portion  of  the  revenue,  which  is  least 
liable  to  be  ailected  by  any  changes  that  can  happen, 
must  be  pledged  for  their  payment  or  redemption. — If, 
as  I  hoar  it  whispered,  we  are  about  to  have  a  contest 
with  Bull,  his  superiority  on  the  great  waters  will  enable 
him  to  sweep  our  Commerce  from  the  Ocean.  There- 
fore to  base  your  Notes  on  the  revenue  to  be  derived 
from  commerce,  would  be  the  height  of  presumption. 
You  must  resort  to  taxes,  Uncle  Sam  must  place  his 
independent  farmers  between  his  notes,  and  that  de- 
>truction  which  would  otherwise  be  inevitable.  Pursue 
a  different  course,  and  you  will  shortly  see  your  notes 
advertised  with  the  prices  current  annexed,  like  oilier 
vendible  property;  the  substantiated  metals  will  be  the 
standard,  by  which  the  relative  value  will  be  rated,  and 
the  fate  of  the  continental  money  of  the  revolution,  will 
be  the  fate  of  this.  It  will  be  in  the  end  like  the  manna 
that  fell  in  the  wilderness,  "  He  that  gathered  much  had 
mthiug  over,  and  he  that  gathered  little  had  enough/-' 
I  have  no  expectation,  however,  that  any  thing  thut  I 
Lave  said  or  can  say,  will  be  regarded,  this  is  not  the 
place  where  important  measures  are  projected,  or  de- 
cided on,  in  any  other  way  than  by  mere  form,  what  1 
have  said  is  the  result  of  my  feelings  and  the  motive 
\vhich  prompted  me,  a  sense  of  duty." 
4* 


34 

At  the  close  of  these  remarks,  her  Ladyship  took  a 
huge  pinch  of  Rappee,  rung  for  a  servant  and  asked  if 
dinner  was  ready  ?  being  answered  in  the  affirmative, 
the  conference  broke  up,  hut  it  was  evident  that  her 
Highness  did  not  relish  the  sentiments  of  Torn,  much 
less  the  boldness  with  which  they  were  expressed.  Some 
of  the  servants  wondered  at  the  impudence  of  the  fel- 
low, and  one  in  particular  was  heard  to  sa\ .  in  a  low 
voice  that  he  ought  to  be  civilly  kicked  out  of  the  din- 
ing-room. 

The  cloth  being  removed  the  Chief  Steward  requested 
a  closet  interview  with  her  Ladyship  on  business  of  im- 
portance. Jacques  stated  that  Uncle  Sara  must  be 
managed  in  this  business  with  proper  address,  that  he 
had  been  listening  behind  the  door  and  heard  the  inso- 
lent language  of  Tom  Boston.  Now  said  he  with  the 
regard  to  the  substantial  means  Tom  is  right ;  the  course 
he  has  pointed  out  must  be  the  one,  we  must  finally  pur- 
sue; but  the  present  is  not  the  time.  Events  must  be 
ripened  for  the  crisis.  Thomas  the  wise,  has  said  much 
a-rainst  taxes,  and  Uncle  Sam  has  been  wonderfully 

O  ' 

xed  with  the  doctrine.  You  know,  my  Dear,  we  put 
old  John  Braintree  out  of  office  by  decrying  his  lax  and 
navv  ?vsten.s.  We  must  be  a  little  softly  about  this,  v.e 
musi  use  policy.  Let  the  contest  be  brought  on  immedi- 
ate! v.  This  will  set  the  family  in  agitation,  then  we  can 
gag  this  Yankee  scoundrel,  and  keep  him  from  filling 
the  ear  of  your  Iclovcd  Spouse  with  his  hypochondriac 
stuiT,  and  it'  he  will  not  assist,  at  least  make  him  passive- 
ly-neutral. The  same  reason  should  apply  v.ilh  regard 
U>  -the  forces  to  carry  on  the  contest.  You  know  how 
much  v.e  all  cried  out  against  John  for  raising  an  army 
without  any  occasion.  There  \vi;s  no  war;  we  told 


85 

Uncle  Sam,  that  John  had  some  evil  design  against  his 
possessions :— the  ol  Gentleman's  c holer  was  inflamed ; 
we  raised  the  Devil  about  John's  ears,  he  was  glad  to 
get  out  of  the  way,  and  by  the  same  means  we  drove 
Uncle  Sam's  former  wife  out  of  the  house  and  then  post- 
ed her  as  the  saying  is  as  "  Eloped  from  bed  and  Board." 
Whether  these  means  were  right  or  wrong,  we  were 
obliged  to  have  recourse  to  them,  at  the  time,  in  order 
to  get  possession  of  the  places  we  now  enjoy.  We  must 
go  to  war  in  some  measure  unprepared.  We  are  placed 
in  this  sorry  predicament,  but  we  must  work  our  way 
out  of  it,  in  the  best  manner  we  can.  Bring  on  the 
contest,  and  then,  we  can  enlist  men,  and  it  is  not  such 
a  very  great  number  that  we  shall  want.  I  should  be 
dad,  indeed,  if  we  were  well  out  of  this  cursed  scrape, 
— but  I  don't  see  how. — we  have  said  so  much  against 
Bull,  and  battered  him  so  much  with  our  tongues,  in 
order  to  inflame  your  Husband  against  that  cursed  rogue 
Tom  Boston,  that  we  can't  very  easily  back  out.  We 
have  borne  so  many  kicks  from  Nap  that  he  completely 
despises  us,  however  this  we  can  bear  with,  and  Bull  has 
grown  so  intolerably  insolent,  that  he  cares  no  more  for 
a  proclamation  than  he  does  for  a  paper  rag.  And 
there's  that  Devlish  Tom  Boston  would  rib  roast  us 
eternally  if  we  should  give  back  now.  A  bad — a  bad 
scrape,  I  wish  we  were  well  through  it.  But  above  all, 
AVC  have  been  blowing  the  coals  under  Uncle  Sam,  until 
we  have  bet  him  "  hissing  hot."  We  have  been  healing 
him  for  these  tt-n  yeais.  if  we  should  flinch  now  we 
shoul  i  l>e  [Ml  out  of  our  places  faster  than  we  ever 

c;  me  into  them. An  unlucky  scrape,  I  wish  we  were 

out  of  it. 


Madam  beard  the  Chief  Steward  with  a  great  variety 
of  emotions  ;  whenever  he  came  to  a  pause,  she  gulped 
the  hot  wind  from  her  stomach  like  a  steam  engine,  and 
when  he  had  finished  his  remarks,  she  replied. 

I  have  had  the  same  opinion  with  regard  to  most 
things  j  the  humor  of  Uncle  Sam  must,  as  you  say,  be 
studied  and  managed.  But  we  must  not  carry  the  joke 
too  far  5  we  have  in  many  instances  put  his  faith  to  a 
severe  trial.  When  you  declared  the  Berlin  and  Milan 
decrees  revoked,  the  old  gentleman  had  to  muster  all 
his  credulity  to  swallow  the  declaration.  Nap  dealt  us 
rather  a  hard  measure,  when  he  required  of  us  to  make 
the  world  believe  what  he  could  make  nobody  believe, 
that  he  believed  himself.  However,  we  have  but  one 
course  to  pursue,  the  more  the  thing  is  denied,  so  much 
the  more  strongly  we  must  assert  it  to  be  true.  This 
was  the  plan  Thomas  pursued,  and  always  succeeded. 

Another  thing  has  been  rather  hard  for  Uncle  Sain 
to  swallow,  the  John  Henry  business.  A  pretty  round 
sum,  to  pay  for  nothing.  A  scurvy  fellow,  tlir.t  Henry, 
nothing  but  a  take  in  ;  we  must  lock  out  for  suc-h  char- 
acters. A  mere  political  sv.-indltT.  -Aye  and  what  pro- 
vokes me  still  more,  the  cursed  Yankees  laugh  in  ihe 
sleeve,  and  even  throw  it  in  our  teeth,  and  when  the 
scurvy  fellows  are  reprimanded  for  their  insolence,  thev 
turn  up  their  faces  and  reply,  You  taught  us  to  be  saucy 
when  you  repealed  the  Sedition  Law. 

It  is  furthermore  not  a  little  unfortunate  for  us  that 
Thomas  the  wise  before  he  left  the  Stewardship  toasted 
that  he  had  so  much  money,  we  shall  find  little  enough 
before  we  get  through  this  scrape.  This  was  the  weak 
aide  of  this  great  man,  he  loved  popularity  to  dislrutf- 


37 

lion,  and  nothing  suits  these  large  Landholders  so  much 
as  to  be  accounted  rich.  But  it  is  ever  the  part  of  a 
prudent  husband  to  be  modest  in  speaking  of  his  wealthj 
that  he  may  not  provoke  the  cupidity  of  the  design^ 
ing. 


CHAPTER  A . 

AM  UNACCOUNTABLE  BUSTLE  ABOUT  THE  GREAT  WIGWAM 
WONDERFUL  APPEARANCES APPOINTMENT  OF  BA- 
SHAWS AND  PACHAS COUNT  SCRATCH-tT-OFp's  EXPEDI- 
TION  SANGRADO  READS  THE  DECLARATION  OF  WAR  TO 

UNCLE    SAM. 

Now  war,  with  all  its  horrors  began  to  stalk  before 
the  rarified  imaginations  of  the  knowing  ones  as  they 
collected  spontaneously  about  the  great  Wigwam,  when 
the  starred  and  striped  ensign  waved  in  party-colored 
splendor  :  and  Chiefs  of  high  renown  came  forward  with 
their  pretensions  to  some  distinguished  post  of  honor  in 
the  service  of  Uncle  Sam,  each  to  receive  the  rich  re- 
ward of  those  faithful  and  glorious  service?,  not  which 
he  had  rendered ;  but  which  he  was  read}-,  under  oath, 
to  promise  for  value  received,  that  he  would  render  sixty 
or  ninety  days  after  date,  to  that  Country  which  had 
been  the  cradle  of  his  birth,  the  nurse  of  his  infancy x 
and  was  about  to  be  the  witness  of  his  deeds  of  fame  ; — 
to  that  beloved  parent  Uncle  Sam,  who  had  so  often 
dandled  him  on  his  knee  and  filled  his  dish  with  hom- 
miny  in  his  boyish  days,  watched  with  paternal  vigilance 
over  the  sinuous  wanderings  of  his  riper  years,  and  be- 
stowed on  him  the  rich  inheritance  of  freedom  !  It  was 
indeed  a  most  sublime  and  affecting  spectacle  !  enough 
to  melt  a  firkin  of  Boston  butter,  in  the  midst  of  June, 
(for  it  was  about  this  time,)  at  sight  of  such  hallowed 
patriotism.  It  was  a  sight,  which  a  philosopher  might 
contemplate  with  petrified  ama^enjeut,  which  Old  Homer 


might  gaze  at  with  poetic  rapture,  and  which  Bunyai! 
himself  might  view  with  Hudibrastic  fidgets. 

Here  you  might  see  the  aged  Hero  who  had  led  up 
the  dance  at  twenty  annual  elections,  offering  to  prove 
his  claims  to  preferment,  and  boasting  with  what  fear- 
less constancy  he  had  set  the  Electioneering  battle  in 
array — There  you  might  behold  the  pert  sleek-booted 
Jockey,  declaring  he  could  buy  horses  for  the  service 
of  his  liege  Uncle  better  than  any  other  man  living. 
Also  the  swag-bellied  Butcher,  importuniiig  for  the  of- 
fice of  Contractor.     But  what  much  surprised  all,  was 
the  disinterested  patriotism  of  some  Newgate  Emanci- 
pees,  and  Tipperary  lads  vociferating  loudly  for  the  un- 
spake-ablc  honor  of  having  an  opportunity  of  laying 
down  their  precious  lives  for  their  dear  native  America. 
And  what  was  still  more   remarkable,  those  who  from 
beyond  seas,  had  lied  from  justice,   and  had   been  sold 
for  their  passage,  were  seen  to  offer  the  compound  obla- 
tion of  the*:'  lives,  fortunes  and   sacred  honor.     Still  as 
you  looked  and  wondered,  the  multitude  increased  and 
as  they  multiplied,  the  heat  of  their  valor  was  augment- 
ed an  hundred  fold.     Direful  on  that  day  was  tl.e  meas- 
ure of  wordy  vengeance  dealt  out  to  John  Bull.     His 
horns  were  to  be  knocked  oil*,  not  a  hair  was  to  be  left 
standing  on  his  callous  hide,  and  then  horrible  to  tell .' 
he  was  to  be  flayed  alive  and  to  be  divested  of  the  pos- 
terior dignity  of  a  tail  and  to  be  driven,  in  this  piteous 
costume,  around  the  wigwam,  as  a  trophy  of  patriotic 
vengeance,   to    frighten   wicked   children  and    for  the 
amusement  of  the  Ladies.     Nor  were  the  calamities  of 
the  evil-star'd  Bull  to  stop  here.     His  dominions  on  this 
side  the  water  were  to  be  taken  and  sold  to  pay  the  ex-- 
gense  of  •'•'  tanning  his  hide,"  as  it  was  called.     His 


40 

•snowiields  his  Beaver  and  skunk-establishments  and  his 
Grind-stone  founderies  were  to  be  knocked  down  by  the 
hammer. 

So  great,  and  greatly  confused  was  the  noise,  that  old 
Potomac,  altho'  then  bringing  in  a  full  tide  with  a  strong 
-wind,  or  tie  red  it  to  halt,  and  perform  quarantine  before 
the  wigwam,  for  half  an  hour.  And  the  terrified  genius 
of  Goose  Creek,  shot  up  her  goosy  neck,  a  cables  length, 
from  the  mud,  to  listen  to  the  horrific  concert  of  so  many 
Babylonian  throats.  And  it  is  said  that  the  wind  for 
Some  tune  w;  s  so  variable,  from  the  alternate  vibration 
of  noise,  and  the  rebounding  of  its  sister  echo,  (hat  she 
knew  not  for  some  time,  which  way  to  lay  her  leathers. 

But  those  who  stood  at  a  suitable  distance  could  plain- 
ly perceive  that  ihe  noise  au<  r  a  while  gradually  wore 
away  and  sul. sided,  the  crowd  scattered  and  dispersed, 
and  through  a  spy  glass,  innumerable  empty  Gin  Kegs 
and  Whiskey  Barrels  were  seen  piled  up  before  the 
wigwam.  But  such  observers  as  were  on  the  ground 
declared,  that  although  the  crowd  disappeared,  they 
could  perceive  no  abatement  of  the  noise  while  they 
remained  on  it. 

This  circumstance  has  been  philosophically  if  not  sat- 
isfactorily accounted  for  by  my  learned  Uncle  Za chary, 
who  says  th;;t  by  the  unceasing  action  of  sound  the 
drum  and  co-rnfan  of  the  ear,  were  so  worn  away  by 
constant  attrition,  that  as  the  noise  subsided,  the  ear 
grew  thin  and  more  sensible  to  the  action  of  sound. 
And  he  moreover  declares,  upon  the  honor  of  a  feather- 
pedler,  that  walking  over  the  ground  the  next  day,  he 
actually  picked  up  fifty  pairs  of  cms.  which  had  either 
been  thrown  away  as  useless- or  stormed  off  by  the  din. 


41 

'In  addition  to  this  many  dead  fish  were  seen  lying  on 
their  beams  end  on  the  Potomac,  and  floating  down  the 
stream  killed  no  doubt  by  the  heavy  peals  of  aerial  pat- 
riotism which  flew  up  to  the  skies,  and  striking  against 
the  elastic  shell  of  the  blue  expanse,  rebounded  and  fell 
with  terrible  force  upon  the  water. 

The  frogs  in  Goose  Creek,  lost  their  senses,  and  for 
some  days,  croaked  without  measure,  or  occasion. 
Thus  far  with  a  faithful  record  of  facts  ;  it  becomes  us 
now  as  faithful  historians  to  notice  some  strange  events, 
which  although  not  without  precedent  in  the  records  of 
other  nations  were  considered  as  the  harbingers  of 
some  awful  calamity.  We  mention  them  upon  the 
mere  strength  of  hear-say,  and  do  not  vouch  for  their 
authenticity.  U  was  reported  that  the  Cocks  in  the 
farm-yards  crowded  at  sunset,  that  the  feline  race,  the 
cats,  were  affected  with  a  strange  frisking  sensation,  and 
ran  up  apple-trees  stern  foremost,  and  that  that  boorish 
animal  the  hog  would  point  his  bowsprit  with  a  gunners 
precision,  at  the  full  moon,  in  uno  obtutu  for  half  an 
hour,  serenading  her  full  orbed  Majesty  of  the  evening, 
as  she  made  her  debut  from  the  chambers  of  the  East, 
in  plaintive  and  piggish  strains.  But  as  a  certain  learn- 
ed brother  historian  hath  said,  "  We  return  from  this 
digression  to  resume  the  thread  of  our  history." 

It  soon  appeared  that  the  bustle  about  the  great  Wig- 
wam was  something  of  greater  import  than  a  "  fitful 
farce,"  for  on  the  third  day  after,  there  appeared  issuintr 
from  that  renowned  hive  of  political  and  military  wis- 
dom, a  host  of  worthies,  commissioned,  epauletted,  boot- 
ed, whiskered  and  perfumed,  for  the  mighty  contest. 

And  now,  O  for  all  the  mouths  of  Hydra  to  recount— 
the  hands  of  Briareus — the  quills  of  half  the  geese  in 

5 


42 

Christendom — and  the  expedition  of  a  hand-bill  scribe 
to  record  their  names ;  and  above  all,  for  the  imagina- 
tion of  Homer,  to  paint  their  various  virtues  and  claims 
to  endless  renown.  There  first  we  beheld,  as  chief 
Bashaw,  captain  Pacha,  and  field-marshal,  the  great 
Dearbrosky,  close  on  his  spurs,  followed  Counts  Smoke- 
us-off,  Bloom-hoff,  Scratch-us-off,  Tan-us-off,  Admiral 
Smyte-us-off,  Wind-off,  JMaccoby,  Lewskoy,  and  a  nu- 
merous retinue  of  attending  offs,  and  hoffs,  and  scoffs, 
and  ruffs,  and  scuffs  ;  and  boys,  and  scoys,  even  whose 
hard  names  time  and  lungs  would  fail  me  to  pronounce, 
eren  had  I  the  brazen  throat  of  Stentor. 

Meanwhile  there  was  such  a  fever  for  conquest  ex- 
cited by  so  much  patriotic  puffing  and  blowing,  that  the 
Chief  Steward  and  Madam  determined  to  make  one  bold 
push,  and  accordingly  they  dispatched  Field-marshal 
Count  Scratch-us-off,  with  a  body  of  about  tv.o  thousand 
men,  a  long  way  through  the  wilderness,  to  seize  the 
possessions  of  Bull,  at  a  place  called  Sandwich.  This 
was  called  "  taking  the  Bull  by  the  tail,"  before  he  could 
have  any  hint  of  what  was  passing.  He  was  directed 
10  make  a  most  powerful  and  flaming  proclamation,  and 
ex  more,  according  to  custom,  to  do  as  much  wordy  ex- 
ecution as  possible.  This  part  of  his  commission,  the 
valiant  warrior  did  not  fail  to  fulfil,  for  being  brought  up 
and  instructed  by  Uncle  Sam's  present  wife,  nay,  being 
born  of  her,  he  inherited,  in  exuberant  profusion  all  the 
windy  excellencies  of  his  accomplished  mother.  He 
therefore  without  taking  overmuch  thought  for  futurity. 
advanced  by  forced  marches,  to  reach  the  object  of  his 
destination,  the  certain  goal  of  his  fame.  The  Chief 
Steward  promised  to  supply  all  his  wants — Madam  as- 
stared  he  would  have  Uttie  te  do  but  to  show  himself. 


43' 

and  his  enemies  would  fly  before  him,  like  the  timorous. 
sheep  from  the  redoubtable  prowess  of  the  celebrated 
Don  Quixote.  A  few  days  provisions  were  enough. 
Cannon  were  unnecessary,  since  their  oflice  could  be 
so  ably  supplied  by  the  tremendous  roar  of  a  proclama- 
tion. The  Field  marshal  advanced,  crossed  the  Rubicoi:, 
and  published  his  proclamation  in  the  following  words : — 
People  of  Snow  fields  ! 

After  thirty  years'  peace,  Uncle  Sam  has  been  driven 
to  take  the  Bull  by  the  horns.  He  swears  vengeance 
for  the  wrongs  and  insults  he  has  received — The  troops 
under  my  command  are  sufficient  to  execute  that  ven- 
geance ;  and  what  I  have  are  no  more  than  a  whortle- 
berry   compared  with  what  are  to  follow.  I 

co;ne  to  find  Bullites,  not  to  make  them,  I  come  to  nurse, 
not  to  flog  you. — The  wide  ocean  is  between  you  and 
your  cruel  master,  you  have  felt  the  switching  of  his 
tail  and  the  buttings  of  his  horns ;  yet  I  do  not  ask  you 
to  cut  off  the  one  nor  blunt  the  other.  Uncle  Sam  is 
able  to  provide  for  all  your  wants.  I  offer  you  the  in- 
valuable privilege  of  '•'  managing  your  own  affairs,  in 
your  own  way."  I  offer  you  the  same  liberty  that  Un- 
cle Sam,  and  all  his  family  enjoy.  Many  of  your  fathers 
fought  your  inhuman  master  in  defence  of  the  inheri- 
tance of  Uncle  Sam,  so  that  we  ought  to  be  viewed  bv 
you,  as  friends  and  not  as  enemies.  I  want  none  of  your 
help  ;  keep  at  home.  If  you  offer  your  service,  I  \vi;: 
accept  it.  Woe  be  to  you  if  you  take  arms  against  me. 

But  let  me  warn  you  against  one  thing.  Do  not  arm 
these  cursed  savage  Wampums  against  us,  blood  and 
vengeance  betide  ye  if  ye  do.  This  war  will  then. 
change,  from  a  war  of  conquest,  to  a  war  of  itprcotificu?- 
Hen,  No  Bullite,  found  fighting  by  the  side  of  a  n 


um  will  be  taken  prisoner.  If  reason  will  not  inspire 
you  with  a  sense  of  justice  I'll  flog  it  into  you.  Uncle 
Sam  offers  you  Liberty  and  peace,  and  as  much  happi- 
ness as  you  can  stagger  under.  You  are  left  to  your 
own  free  will  to  choose  safety  or  perdition,  freedom  or 
fetters,  do  as  you  please  then,  but  do  as  I  bid  you. 

We  are  now  obliged  by  the  most  unwelcome  necessity, 
of  leaving  for  a  while  this  heroic  adventurer,  and  to  turn 
our  attention  to  Uncie  Sam.  Sangrado,  as  his  duty 
wr.s,  had  been  dispatched  to  him  to  make  known  to  him 
the  declaration  of  war,  or  in  other  words  to  furnish  him 
with  a  fist  full  of  reasons,  and  teach  his  lips  the  u'hy  and 
the  wherefore,  he  ought  to  make  himself  very  angry  with 
John  Bull. 

The  Squire  found  his  patron,  wide  awake,  and  fully 
prepared  to  listen,  for  he  had  heard  the  uproar  and 
noise  from  the  Wigwam,  and  guessed  the  time  was  big 
v.'ilh  some  weighty  event.  Sangrado  approached  him 
svi'ui  an  air  of  the  most  profound  wisdom,  and  almost 
breathless  said.  Sir,  your  honor,  Your  Honor's  Lady, 

and  the  Chief  Steward send  their  best  love  to  you ; — 

Let  the  love  be,  said  Uncle  Sam.  I  don*t  want  to  hear  it, 
for  these  kissing  messages  I  find  are  nothing  more  nor 
less  than  a  preface  to  some  fresh  claim  on  my  patience. 
A.  declaration  of  war  I  suppose  they  send,  continued  my 
Uncle-  Nothing  less  replied  the  Squire,  and  by  your 
Honor's  permission  I  will  read  it.  Begin  said  Uncle 
Sam  and  read  slowly. 

"  The  experience  of  many  years  of  the  injustice  cru- 
elty and  intolerable  tyranny  of  John  Bull,  moreover  his 
treachery,  and  his  meanness,  and  his  perfidy,  outraging 
every  right,  civil,  moral,  natural,  social  and  religious, 
•j  is  regarding  every  principle  of  honor,  impartiality,  jus- 


45 

tice  and  humanity,  exemplified  in  so  many  acts  of  out- 
rage violence  and  oppression  for  so  many  years,  in 
dt-spite  of  all  the  remonstrances,  warnings,  expostula- 
tions and  intreaties  shewing  the  justice,  the  fairness,  the 
equity  the  impartiality  the  reasonableness  of  our  claims:? 
— Hold,  hold,  Sangrado,  said  my  Uncle,  pass  over  that 
string  and  come  to  the  point,  I  can  never  remember  all 
thiit,  any  more  than  the  Knight  of  La  Mancha,  could 
koep  count  of  the  three  hundred  sheep  as  they  were 
ferried  over  the  stream  singly — now  I  tell  thee  honest 
friend,  all  I  wish  to  know  is,  the  bone  of  contention — 
the  matters  and  things  of  which  we  accuse  Bull,  simply 
and  smgly,  clearly  and  distinctly,  each  in  its  proper  or- 
der like  the  counts  of  an  indictment,  that  we  may  know 
exactly  what  we  have  got  to  do  ;  mean  time,  I  will  take 
a  memorandum  of  the  charges  with  my  pencil. 
Sangrado.  Very  well,  Your  Honor  (reads.) 

1.  He  has  blockaded  the  coast  of  Europe  from  Brest 
to  the  Elbe,  by  a  proclamation  which  is  contrary  to  the 
law  of  nations.     May,  1806. 

2.  He  issued  his  orders  in  counsel,  declaring  it  un- 
lawful for  neutrals  to  trade  from  one  port  to  another  of 
France  or  her  allies.     January  6,  1807. 

3.  He  furthermore  issued  his  orders  in  counsel  the 
llth  November  following,  by  which  all  trade  was  pro- 
hibited between  neutral  nations,  and  between  France 
and  her  allies. 

4.  He   impresses  our   seamen  from   our   merchant 
ships. 

5.  He  has  stirred  up  the  Wampum  savages  to  Butcher 
the  innocent  inhabitants  on  our  frontiers. 

6.  He  sent  the  infamous  John  Henry  to  bribe  Tom 
Boston  and  breed  disturbance  in  the  family. 

5* 


CHAPTER  VI. 

INTERVIEW  BETWEEN  UNCLE  SAM  AND  HIS  SQUIRE,  CONTIN- 
UED  FRESH  PROOFS  OF  THE  INSOLENCE  OF  TOM  BOS- 
TON  SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  COUNT  SCRATCH-OFF's  EXPE- 
DITION— SECOND  ATTEMPT  ON  THE  SNOWFIELDS  UN- 
DER THE  AUSPICES  OF  ADMIRAL  TOM-US-OFF. 

WELL  Sangrado,  said  Uncle  Sam,  is  that  all  ?  That 
is  the  substance  replied  the  Squire.  Now  then  inform 
me  exactly,  and  with  the  precision  of  a  Lawyer,  how 
much  is  to  be  required  of  our  Adversary,  on  each  par- 
ticular charge,  or  matter  of  complaint  against  himr 
that  we  may  know  when  we  have  got  through,  Sangra- 
do, that  we  may  not  go  to  work  "  blind  fold,"  as  they 
say.  Declare  off,  clearly  and  clerkly,  succinctly  and  dis- 
tinctly and  I  will  meantime  note  down  the  matter  in 
my  red  pocket  book. 

San.  1.  He  must  acknowledge  that  his  Blockade  was 
i-llegal.  (Very  well,  down — go  on.) 

San.  2  and  3.  He  must  be  made  to  acknowledge  that 
his  orders  in  counsel  were  a  violation  of  neutral  rights 
— he  must  rescind  them,  and  make  reparation  to  our 
Merchants  for  the  property  taken  from  them,  and  give 
us  assurances  that  they  shall  not  be  renewed.  (Very 
'C  ell — score  two  ! — p-oceed.) 

4.  He  must  restore  our  seamen  taken  from  us,  pay 
rhem  their  wages,  and  renounce  totally  arid  forever  his 
elaim  of  taking  them.     (Down — go  on.) 

5.  He  must  disavow  having  had  any  agency  in  excit- 
ing the  Wampums  to  acts  of  hostility  against  our  fror- 
fier  settlements. — Wlvti  next  ? 


47 

6.  Lastly,  he  must  also  disavow, likewise,  any 
in  sending  John  Hi  ry  lo  this  Country,  to  create  riis- 
turbancfs  n  your  fj-mily.  Down — But  pray  SafigradOj 
continued  Uncle  S:;m,  did  n»y  Wife  or  Jacques  n.:w 
this  Declaration.  She  did  it,  though,  I  suppose,  I  think 
I  know  her  style  :  Did  she  not  conij  I  ^ii'i-l  m  her 

stomach1?    I  know  she  has  been  tro  •  -'.\  such  a 

complaint  for  some  years,  and  I  am  afraid  it  will  kill 
her  yet. — Before  the  Squire  had  time  to  reply  to  these 
enquires  the  conference  was  interrupted  by  a  sudden 
noise,  which  was  nothing  less  than  the  insolent  Torn 
Boston,  who  this  instant  made  his  debut  from  behind  a 
clump  of  bushes,  where  the  rascal  had  been  evedrop- 
ping  and  heard  the  whole  that  had  passed.  Uncle 
Sam's  anger  was  enkindled,  he  called  him  an  unmanner- 
ly rogue,  and  Sangrado  lifted  up  his  bludgeon  to  chastise 
his  boorishness,  and  would  certainly  have  done  it,  had 
ke  not  accidentally  discovered,  in  one  corner  of  Tom's 
eye.  something,  I  know  not  what,  that  looked  like  the 
most  desperate  and  fearless  determination  :  The  inso- 
lent Yankee  began.  "  So  it  seems  we  have  not  had 
suffering  and  privation  enough  yet,  we  must  be  put  un- 
der the  harrow  again.  We  have  jumped,  as  the  saying 
is,  {  out  of  the  frying  pan  into  the  fire.'  But  tell  me 
Sangrado,  how  many  pages  are  there  in  that  paper  the 
declaration  of  war,  I  suppose  you  call  it,  which  you 
ha*e  just  put  in  your  pocket." 

San.  Fifteen.  "  Is  any  thing  said  about  Nap  and 
the  injuries  he  has  done  us  ?  O  yes,  here  it  is — (reads.) 

<'  The  Committee  do  not  hesitate  to  declare  that 
"  France  has  greatly  injured  the  United  States,  and 
"  that  satisfactory  reparation  has  riot  been  made  for 
c  many  of  those  injuries.  But  that  is  a  concern  which 


48 

^  the  United  States  will  look  to  and  settle  themselves. 
'•'  The  high  character  of  the  American  people,  is  a  suf- 
ft  ficient  pledge  to  the  \vorld  that  they  \vill  not  fail  to 
"  settle  it  on  conditions  which  they  have  a  right  ta 
tt  claim/'  Is  that  all,  said  Boston  ?  all,  replied  the 
Squire.  Well,  continued  the  speaker,  a  short  horse  is 
soon  curried.  And  pray  let  me  ask,  is  not  a  loss  of 
property  as  distressing  to  a  man  when  taken  by  B,  as 
when  it  is  occasioned  by  A  ?  and  is  freedom  less  dear, 
or  slavery  more  tolerable,  in  the  dungeons  of  Nap,  than 
in  the  ships  of  Bull  ?  Have  you  counted  the  cost  of  this 
contest  ?  are  your  seaports  and  harbors  in  a  state  of 
security  and  prepared  for  an  attack  ?  Have  you  an  ar- 
my raised  sufficient  to  carry  your  threats  into  execu- 
tion and  obtain  the  redress  you  claim  ? — Had  you  re- 
sisted the  encroachments  of  Nap  on  your  trade  at  first, 
as  you  ought,  these  Blockades  and  orders  would  never 
have  existed.  Bull  in  reclaiming  deserters  to  whom 
you  have  too  often  given  shelter,  and  too  frequently 
enticed  from  their  duty,  has  some  times  taken  your 
men.  In  doing  this,  he  claims  no  other  right  than  eve- 
ry other  independent  nation  has  ever  recognized  and 
practised  on.  That  in  the  exercise  of  this  right  abuse- 
es  have  frequently  happened  1  do  not  deny.  It  is,  and 
ever  has  been  a  grievance  since  our  first  organization  as 
a  political  family.  But  to  make  war,  to  oblige  your 
enemy  to  renounce  this  claim,  is  the  height  of  folly  and 
stupidity.  Few  indeed  are  the  cases  in  which  a  natural 
born  subject  can  absolve  his  allegiance.  The  case  in 
question  is  not  one.  Even  the  right  of  expatriation  of 
which  we  hear  so  much,  in  its  most  plausible  features,- 
grows  out  of  the  refinement  of  civil  society,  and  docs 
not  exist  in  the  individual  as  an  abstract  and  independ* 


49 

€nt  privilege.  For  instance,  a  subject  of  one  of  tiie 
German  States  emigrates  to  this  country  ;  his  prince 
reclaims  him ; — we  resist  the  claim,  because  the  emi- 
grant has  become  a  member  of  our  society,  and  because 
the  yielding  him  would  interfere  with  our  municipal  regu- 
lations ;  but  not  because  we  have  any  natural  right  to 
his  services  or  because  we  are  under  any  abstarct  obli- 
gation to  receive  and  protect  all  that  fly  to  our  shores. 
The  individual  was  invested  primarily,  with  no  power  to 
make  a  contract  with  us,  or  ice  with  him.  Hence  a  very 
important  distinction  becomes  evident.  We  ought  to 
protect  all  emigrants  who  settle  among  us  permanently? 
but  the  privilege  of  birthright  can  never  be  conferred 
but  by  the  mutual  consent  of  the  sovereigns,  inasmuch 
as  to  one  belongs  the  privilege  to  release,  to  the  other, 
to  receive.  Therefore  our  local  jurisdiction  on  land  is 
total  and  exclusive  ;  but  on  the  water,  only  partial  and 
relative.  The  one  embraces  the  entire  interests  of  a 
single  community  ;  the  other,  the  rights  of  a  variety  of 
communities  to  which  all  nations  are  parties.  The 
first  territory  we  possess  in  fee  simple,  while  in  the  other 
we  are  but  tenants  in  common. — In  the  first  case  the 
integrity  of  our  local  and  municipal  jurisdiction  protects 
the  emigrant,  in  the  latter,  we  are  not  invested  with 
that  jurisdiction ;  of  course,  birth  or  the  mutual  conset 
of  the  parties  interested,  is  requisite  to  consecrate  and 
insure  protection.  With  regard  to  the  charge  of  his 
having  armed  the  savages  against  us,  he  has  already 
disavowed  having  any  concern  in  it.  It  is  brought 
forward  merely  to  increase  the  size  of  the  budget-  But 
the  charge  of  his  heaving  sent  a  spy  among  us,  to  sotf 
the  seeds  of  disaffection,  is  the  most  ridiculous  of  all, 
and  I  am 'confident  it  is  only  brought  forward  at  this 


5® 

time  to  rouse  your  passions,  my  Leige  Uncle,  against 
your  Adversary,  and  to  excite  your  prejudice  against 
me  and  my  family,  and  perhaps  also  to  cover  the  dis- 
grace of  being  swindled  out  of  50,000  Dollars. 

I  have  only  to  add  as  a  last  and  I  fear  unavailing 
duty  that  unless  }'ou  refrain  from  listening  to  the  sug- 
gestions of  this  profligate  and  abandoned  woman,  you 
are  undone.  Jacques  and  she  put  their  heads  together 
and  resolve  what  tales  to  tell  you,  and  you  believe  every 
thing,  not  because  one  syllable  is  true,  but  because  you 
are  told  to  believe  it ;  you  believe  not  from  probability, 
but  by  the  square  foot,  yard  or  acre,  whatever  is  offered 
you.  Now  mind  what  I  tell  you,  Bull  will  never  yield 
his  principles  of  Blockade  or  orders,  until  you  have 
properly  resisted  Nap's  decrees  which  were  the  cause 
of  them.  He  will  never  give  up  the  right  of  search,  un- 
til you  have  sunk  his  last  ship,  and  the  last  square  foot 
of  his  Island.  Again,  were  you  the  maritime  power, 
and  John  Bull  the  complainant,  you  would  never  give 
up  this  right,  it  is  the  right  of  every  independent  nation. 
You  would  not  dare  give  it  up.  And  if  the  exercise  of 
it  is  less  useful  to  us  than  to  h:m,  this  difference  results 
merely  from  the  different  circumstances  in  which  the 
two  nations  are  placed.  You  say  that  the  principles  of 
your  government,  make  it  your  duty  to  offer  an  asylum 
to  the  oppressed  of  all  nations.  Whence  did  you  derive 
the  authority  to  constitute  a  code  of  principles  of  par- 
amount authority  to  the  principles  of  national  law  and 
the  rights  of  other  nations  ?  It  is  a  maxim  in  law  "  that 
you  shall  so  use  your  own  property  as  not  to  injure  that 
of  your  Neighbor."  You  may  go  Jo  war  five,  ten,  01* 
twenty  years,  my  word  for  it,  you  will  leave  off  where 


51 

you  begin,  or  worse  in  point  of  attaining  any  of  the  ob- 
jects you  contend  for. 

As  might  be  expected  this  phillippic  of  the  impudent 
Yankee  was  not  at  all  relished  by  either  of  the  high- 
minded  auditors.  Uncle  Sam  with  a  careless,  indiffer- 
ent and  self  sufficient  air,  turned  and  walked  away,  while 
the  Squire,  who  had  been  ready  to  burst  with  rage, 
tendered  him  the  homage  of  his  profound  contempt. 

We  must  now  pay  a  visit  to  the  valiant  Field  marshal 
Count  Scratch-off.  We  left  him  in  the  dominions  of 
John  Bull,  amusing  himself  with  his  proclamation,  and 
halting  his  army  at  Sandwich,  recruiting  them  by  oc- 
casional excursions  in  the  owl-pastures  adjoining.  On 
hearing  the  news  of  this  invasion,  Uncle  Sam's  wife  be- 
gan to  set  her  cap  for  the  government  of  a  new  territory, 
and  her  gallants  were  heard  to  make  large  swaggering 
bets  that  Count  Scratch-off  would  be  in  Quebec  within 
three  weeks,  and  it  is  even  said  that  several  applications 
were  made  for  the  office  of  Governor  of  Canada.  Ad- 
venturers were  flocking  from  all  quarters,  in  eager  ex- 
pectation of  having  a  good  slice  out  of  the  rounds  of  the 
Bull,  and  although  there  were  not  many  who  coveted  the 
job  of  knocking  the  Bull  down,  yet  multitudes  were 
ready  to  assist  in  skinning  and  cutting  him  up  for  mar- 
ket. Among  the  most  renowned  and  valiant  of  those 
who  offer  their  knives,  horses,  and  sacred  honor,  OH 
this  interesting  occasion,  was  Admiral  Tom-us-off,  Chief 
Steward  of  Stoffles  Land,  sometimes  called  the  pretty 
Knight  of  the  fiddle,  from  his  assiduity  and  attention  to 
the  Ladies ;  after  this  however,  he  acquired  the  name  of 
Swagger  master  General  to  Uncle  Sam,  from  the  great 
zeal  he  displayed  in  driving  out  his  tenants  to  protect 


52 

the  frontier,  while  he  kept  his  own  sleek,  sweet  scented 
self  out  of  the  reach  of  danger. 

Mean  time,  our  valiant  adventurer  having  settled 
himself  at  Sandwich,  seemed  to  be  content  with  the 
proclamation  he  had  issued,  by  which  he  evinced  an 
evident  partiality  to  the  ink-shedding  instead  of  the 
blood-shedding  system. 

Here  he  remained  about  a  month,  when  finding  the 
Stupid  inhabitants  of  the  Snowfields,  so  dilatory  about 
accepting  the  blessings  of  Liberty  and  safety,  that  with 
the  most  nettlesome  indignation  and  precipitate  activ- 
ity, he  pulled  up  stakes  and  recrossed  over  to  the  terri- 
tories of  Uncle  Sam. 

This,  or  some  other  cause  equally  forcible  and  cogent, 
so  roused  the  ire  of  the  churlish  inhabitants  of  these 
desolate  regions,  that  they  crawled  out  from  under  their 
snow  banks,  put  themselves  under  the  command  of  one 
Master  Brooks,  a  most  daring  fellow,  who  not  having  the 
spirit  of  forbearance  in  his  mind,  nor  the  fear  of  gunpow- 
der and  proclamations  before  his  nose,  followed  the 
Field  marshal  over,  foot  to  heel,  and  without  shedding 
a  drop  of  blood,  took  him  and  all  his  company  prison- 
ers, being,  as  it  appeared,  determined  not  to  part  \\iih 
their  company  at  any  rate.  Th.s  happened  on  the  14th 
day  of  the  8th  Month. 

The  intelligence  of  these  events  reached  the  ears  of 
Uncle  Sam,  and  mild  and  temperate  as  he  was,  threw 
him  into  a  paroxism  of  anger.  He  sometimes  was  half 
resolved  to  abandon  the  project  of  giving  the  boorish 
Bullites  the  blessings  of  Liberty.  But  the  first  Frost 
month  after  his  Honor's  wrath  being  a  little  abated,  he 
collected  another  company,  made  up  partly  of  the  ser- 
vants of  his  own  family,  and  partly  of  the  sons  of  Stof- 


50 

fles  Land,  and  most  graciously  attempted  to  phut  the 
tree  of  Liberty  in  another  place.  In  this  measure,  he 
was  great V  assisted  by  the  Valiant  KnigU  count  Tom- 
us-ofi"  who  sent  one  of  his  own  generals  to  command  the 
expedition  and  assist  in  placing  the  roots  of  the  tree. 

The  place  chosen  for  the  second  attempt  to  innocu- 
late  the  clownish  Snow  field  ians  with  blessings  of  Liberty, 
was  Queenston,  a  pleasant  town  separated  from  the 
dominions  of  Sam,  by  that  frith  of  water  which  is 
kown  by  name  the  St.  Lawrence.  The  famous  attempt 
was  made  on  the  12th  day  of  the  10th  Month,  and  in 
the  early  part  of  the  day  promised  the  most  complete 
success ;  but  Master  Brooks  suddenly  made  his  appear- 
ance, accompanied  by  a  host  of  his  frosty  Cossacs,  and 
a  multitude  of  the  sons  of  Cain,  who  live  in  the  forests, 
like  wild  beasts  of  the  desert.  Besetting  the  valiant 
Samuelites  with  great  fury,  he  soon  regained  the  con- 
quered ground,  and  obliged  the  Captain  of  the  band  to 
withdraw  with  great  precipitation  from  the  ground  and 
recross  the  river.  This  he  effected  with  great  loss  of 
killed,  wounded  and  prisoners.  Although  John  Bull 
claimed  the  victory,  yet  tTncle  Sam  gave  him  a  most 
grievous  scratching.  He  lost  many  of  his  servants, 
among  whom  was  the  brave  Master  Brook. 

The  effect  of  this  attempt  was  nothing  move  than  to 
teach  Bull  to  be  a  little  on  his  guard,  and  L'ncle  Sam 
that  it  would  require  more  than  six  weeks,  to  instruct; 
such  blockish  beings,  in  the  saving  knowledge  of  Repub- 
lican freedom.  Naturalists  tell  us  that  a  goose  bv 
proper  management,  may  be  fatted  in  nine  days,  u 
turkey  in  three  weeks,  and  a  hog  in  a  given  period;  but 
the  blessings  of  "  Peace,  Liberty  and  safety"  could  not 
1?e  crammed  down  the  throat  of  John  Bull  far  enough  tp 

6 


54 

make  any  sensible  alteration  in  his  meagre  appearance, 
although  the  Ragout  was  prepared  by  the  most  experi- 
enced Cooks,  and  the  dish  garnished  with  proclamations, 
and  seasoned  with  gunpowder.  A  measure  of  this  kind 
appeared  to  require  strength,  time,  and  money. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


WICKEDNESS    OP    TOM    BOSTON  -  PROPOSALS   FOR  AN 

TICK  -  NAVAL    TRANSACTIONS  —  PHILOSOPHICAL  REFLEC- 
TIONS   OP    THE    HISTORIAN. 

WE  have  already  had  occasion  to  speak  of  the  Gene- 
ral Covenant,  by  which  the  family  of  Uncle  Sam  was  gov- 
erned. This  instrument  gave  the  Chief  Steward  authori- 
ty to  call  out  the  armed  servants  of  the  whole  family,  on 
certain  specified  emergencies  :  viz.  In  case  of  invasion. 
to  subdue  insurrections,  and  to  put  the  laws  in  force. 
No  sooner  had  the  declaration  of  hostilities  gone  forth. 
when  off-popped  a  thundering  proclamation,  requiring 
all  the  liege  servants  of  the  family,  to  vex,  hurt,  plague, 
worry,  bother,  and  in  every  way,  teaze,  pinch,  frighten 
and  thump  John  Bull,  to  a  sense  of  his  duty,  and  in  aid 
of  these  potent  persuasives,  the  Chief  Steward  immedi- 
ately required  of  the  chiefs  of  Clans  in  Tom  Boston's 
dominions  to  put  a  certain  number  of  the  militia,  or  as 
they  are  humorously  termed  by  the  «  Lords  of  the  An- 
cient dominion,"  the  Leather-apron-in  terost,  under  the 
control  of  the  Field  Marshal-general.  Tom  Boston  in- 
stantly took  fire  on  hearing  this  order,  and  resolutely 
forbid  his  Bashaws  complying  with  it.  Holding  the 
General  Covenant  in  one  hand,  and  a  clenched  fist  in 
the  other,  he  exclaimed,  "  None  of  the  occasions  stated 
in  the  Covenant  have  occurred  ;  these  men  are  not 
wanted  for  defence  —  there  is  no  invasion  —  there  is  no 
civil  commotion—  the  Laws  are  not  resided."  The 


50 

.  Steward  replied  that  a  power  to  correct  an  evi& 
involved  a  power  to  prevent,  and  that  if  none  of  the 
oases  had  actually  happened,  yet  lie  had  taken  the  most 
certain  measures  to  bring  on  an  invasion,  and  insisted 
on  his  right  to  the  forces  required  in  the  order,  and  al- 
most intimated  that  obedience  would  be  had  in  some 
way,  either  by  hook  or  by  crook.  But  Tom,  stubborn 
as  a  mule,  declared  that  if  such  an  attempt  was  made 
'•  the  flood  that  overwhelmed  him  must  rise  higher  than 
J:is  mountains — the  storm  that  swept  him,  mr.st  tear  him 
from  the  bottom  of  his  rallies,  and  that  sooner  than 
yield,  every  vale  should  be  a  Thermopylae,  every 
height,  Bunker's  hill." 

On  hearing  this  daring  insolence  of  the  hardened 
Boston,  the  Chief  Steward  with  infinite  address  shook 
j:is  head,  and  nothing  but  the  most  eoiisulTimale  sel£ 
Command,  kept  him  from  shaking  his  fist.  But  the  har<- 
dened  ingrate  did  not  escape  without  punishment.  Or- 
ders were  immediately  given  for  a  proclamation-burden 
of  hard  names  to  be  manufactured  in  the  Slang  mills, 
and  the  Lamp  b'ack  factories,  to  be  hung  in  hand-bills, 
around  the  shoulders  of  Tom  and  his  Coadju-^res  and 
oppugnatores ;  who  had  the  hardy  presumption  to  resist 
the  powers  that  be,  or  the  authority,  tiiat  would  be. 
Among  the  Chiefs  who  distinguished  themselves  by  their 
disobedience,  were  Caleb  Codline,  Roger  Saybrook,  and 
George  Mountain.  They  too,  partook  lustily  of  the 
punishment  which  was  meted  out  to  Tom  Boston. 

Tom  and  his  associates  were  called,  Rebels,  Tories, 
Bullites  and  Factionists,  besides  being  obliged  to  suffer 
the  excruciating  tortures  inflicted  by  10,000  profound 
Contempts,  and  to  endure  the  inexpressible  anguish  of 
being let  alone. 


57 

But  what  evinced  the  most  obdurate  and  premeditated 
villany,  was  these  remorseless  wretches,  Gallio  like, 
«  cared  for  none  of  these  things." 

Since  the  thread  of  adventures  is  broken,  it  may  be 
well  here  to  mention  that  John  Bull,  hearing  that  Nap 
had  by  a  proclamation  revoked  his  decrees,  rescinded 
his  orders  in  Council,  and  proposed  a  cessation  of  hos- 
tilities. This,  he  fancied,  might  lead  to- an  accommoda- 
tion, as  by  it  one  of  the  principal  causes  of  contention 
were  removed.  And  indeed,  had  Uncle  Sam  been  left 
to  himself,  his  wrath  being  somewhat  cooled,  it  is  believ- 
ed he  would  have  accepted  it.  But  the  Chief  Steward 
considered  his  honor  concerned,  in  obtaining  the  whole 
or  nothing.  And  the  event  proved  the  Avisdom  of  his 
calculations ;  for  he  warred  most  valiantly  more  than 
two  years,  and  then  made  a  "  Glorious  peace"  on  the 
precise  terms  now  offered,  saving  that  he  gave  up  tlu- 
privilege  of  catching  fish  in  a  certain  place,  and  a  small 
lump  of  territory,  merely  to  prove  the  .sincerity  of  his 
disposition.  O  Conquest,  how  resistless  are  thy  attrac- 
tions; Honor,  tliou  art  something  more  than  a  "'trip; 
reckoning/'  more  than  the  image  of  <•'  him  \\}10  die*?. 
yesterday,"  or,  in  thy  forbidding  presence,  Nature  miylit 
be  permitted  to  plead — and  reason  to  advocate  ! 

New  courteous  and  delighted  reader,  since  you  sn<l  [ 
have  been  in  copartnership  hitherto  in  this  toilsome 
journey, frequently  through  unpleasant  paths:  let  us  r:ov. 
like  two  dogs  long  kenneled  together,  break  out  am; 
snuff  the  «  breezy  gale,"  the  fragrant  air,  and  seek,  if 
not  better,  more  agreeable  company.  We  leave  for 
awhile  the  costume  of  masquerade,  and  the  regions  m 
metaphor , — we  become  ourselves  and  dare  to  ?ie  r:-. 

e* 


It  was  on  the  tenth  of  February,  1799,  the  earth  had 
not  yet  been  broken  to  inhume  the  mortal  remains  of 
Washington,  when  the  gallant  Truxton,  encountered, 
and  took  the  Insurgent,  one  of  the  finest  ships  in  the 
service  of  the  French  Directory.  The  day  was  as  glo- 
rious to  the  American  people  as  its  recollections  will  be 
•rrnteful  to  future  ages.  The  sons  of  Columbus,  had 
endured  every  indignity  from  that  accursed  band  of 
civilized  pirates,  which  it  was  in  the  power  of  human 
wickedness  to  offer,  had  suffered  the  last  outrage  which 
the  patience  of  a  Christian  could  endure,  or  his  charity 
forgive;  when  she  would  read  in  this  important  event, 
that  a  beneficent  Providence  had  yet  some  designs  of 
mercy  towards  an  ungrateful  people, — that  a  redeeming 
crisis  was  yet  presented,  if  they  were  disposed  to  em- 
brace it.  The  friends  of  Honor,  of  their  Country  and 
the  Constitution,  were  awakened  to  hope,  to  gratitude 
and  the  holy  duties  of  Patriotism.  The  triumph  of  the 
Naval  hero  was  complete.  His  praises  were  sung  in 
both  hemispheres,  in  both  worlds.  Real  Americans 
lavished  on  his  name,  their  highest  songs  of  praise : 
ihey  did  more ;  they  bestowed  on  him  the  rich  bequests 
of  their  gratitude  and  love.  The  gentlemen  of  Loyds, 
recollecting  that  Americans  were  allied  to  them,  not  less 
by  valor  and  the  love  of  glory,  than  by  blood,  present- 
ed him  with  a  service  of  plate  worth  five  hundred  dol- 
lars, as  a  testimony  of  their  respect  for  his  talents  and 
his  valor,  as  a  proof  that  every  true  son  of  honor  is  a 
citizen  of  all  nations,  although  he  can  be  descended 
only  from  one. 

But  the  honor  of  the  Naval  Hero  was  short-lived  in 
his  own  country.  The  gangrene  of  political  apostacy 
bad  uervaded  the  limbs  of  the  body  politic,  had  taken 


59 

deep  root,  and  threatened  slow,  but  certain  ruin.  A 
minister  from  the  American  republic,  had,  in  violation, 
not  merely  of  his  instruction*,  but  of  the  laws  of  honor 
and  the  restraints  of  shame,  offered  to  mortgage  the 
resources  of  America  to  the  profligate  Directory  of 
France.  He  was  promptly  recalled  and  censured  by 
Washington.  Instead  of  making  suitable  expiation  for 
tills  offence,  three  Ministers  were  afterwards  sent,  who 
dared  to  fulfil  their  duty,  to  say  that  their  Country  had 
rights  and  insist  on  their  admission.  A  storm  arose. 
The  advocates  of  American  rights  were  driven  from 
their  places  in  the  government,  and  men  devoted  to  the 
interests  of  France  were  put  in  their  stead.  So  glorious 
a  thing  was  it  to  be  the  suppliant  of  a  foreign  Despot — 
so  politically  pious,  to  outstrip  the  Divine  behest,  "  Love 
your  enemies."' 

A  navy  became  the  object  of  scorn  and  derision. 
The  immense  debt  of  England  was  cited  as  the  offspring 
of  her  overgrown  navy ;  her  navy  was  declared  to  be 
the  procuring  cause  of  her  perpetual  wars.  Our  little 
fleet  was  dispersed  by  the  wind  of  popular  disgust. 
We  were  declared  to  be  land-lubbers  in  fee-simple :  ten- 
ants of  Earth  and  not  of  Ocean. 

The  events  which  form  the  sequel  to  this  interesting 
epoch  of  our  history,  are  familiar  to  all ;  they  will  be 
still  more  intimately  felt  by  the  hearts  and  happiness  of 
posterity. 

Will  it  be  credited  by  future  times,  that  such  was  the 
temper  of  the  American  government,  towards  a  navy, 
although  then  actually  engaged  in  war  with  that  power 
which  they  most  dreaded  and  hated,  when  the  gallant 
Cajit.  Hull  informed  them  by  his  letter  of  August  30lh, 
Ibl2,  dated  off  Loston  light  house,  that  after  an  action 


60 

of  30  minutes,  he  had  compelled  the  British  irigate  the 
Guerriere  to  strike  to  the  Constitution,  under  his  com- 
mand ?  But  posterity  will  believe,  that  although  govern- 
ments may  be  corrupt,  nations  were  grateful !  They  will 
believe  the  declaration  of  the  historian,  when  he  asserts 
that  this  victory  was  received  by  the  American  people, 
with  all  that  joy  and  gratitude  which  was  due  to  the 
splendor  of  its  achievement  and  the  greatness  of  its 
consequences.  The  immediate  effect  of  this  victory  on 
the  public  mind,  was  the  severest  of  alt  censures,  both 
on  the  long  pursued  policy,  and  the  belligerent  measures 
of  Government.  It  was  the  first  ray  of  hope  which 
penetrated  those  dark  clouds  of  disgrace  which  had  en- 
veloped our  military  character. 

This  was  soon  followed  by  the  triumph  of  Capt.  Jonegj 
who  took  the  British  sloop  of  war  Frolic,  after  an  action 
of  45  minutes.  But  it  was  the  fortune  of  the  gallant 
commander  himself  to  be  compelled  to  surrender  his 
victor-ship,  the  Wasp,  a  few  hours  after  the  conflict,  by 
Striking  to  the  Poiotiers,  74.  Both  these  events  occurr- 
ed on  the  18th  October,  1812.  On  the  25th  of  the  same 
month,  Commodore  Decatur,  captured  the  British  Fri- 
gate Macedonian,  Capt.  Carden,  of  49  guns,  after  ail 
action  of  one  hour  and  thirty  minutes.  The  Macedo- 
nian was  one  of  the  best  Frigates  of  her  size,  in  the 
British  navy.  She  had  36  men  killed,  and  68  wounded, 
and  as  respected  her  masts  and  rigging,  became  a  wreck. 
The  Commodore's  Frigate,  the  United  States,  lost  7 
men  killed,  and  had  5  wounded,  and  was  so  little  disabled 
after  the  action,  that  the  Commodore  declared  that  had 
it  not  been  for  bringing  in  his  prize,  he  should  have 
continued  his  cruise.  In  this,  as  in  both  the  preceding 
actions,  the  superiority  of  American  gunnery,  over  tjtat 


01 

of  her  enemy,  was  apparent.  A  steady,  cool  and  de- 
termined bravery,  indeed,  was  never  wanting,  but  was 
always  conspicuous. 

The  close  of  this  year  was  distinguished  by  the  bril- 
liant exploit  of  Commodore  Bainbridge,  off  the  coast  of 
Brazils,  who,  after  a  severe  and  well  contested  action  of 
one  hour  and  fifty-five  minutes,  compelled  the  British 
frigate  Java,  of  49  guns,  to  strike  to  the  Constitution 
under  his  command.  The  skill  arid  science  displayed 
by  the  brave  Commodore,  and  his  gallant  crew,  in  lead- 
ing the  Constitution  to  her  second  triumph,  extorted  the 
praises  of  their  enemies,  and  claimed  the  highest  love 
and  gratitude  of  their  country.  The  Java  mounted  49 
guns,  had  a  complement  of  400  men,  besides  100  super- 
numerary officers  and  men,  going  out  to  the  East  Indies^ 

•     i         T    •  A         /"•"  TT  *  _  »  »       r« .       /v 

•yrnn  i^ieui.  vrtrn.  msiup  arm  cum,  unci  several  otuer 
officers  of  distinction.  The  Java  had  GO  killed  and  101 
wounded.  The  loss  of  the  Constitution  was  9  killed 
and  2*3  wounded.  The  Java  WPS  made  a  complete 
wreck,  and  being  lightened  of  her  prisoners  and  their 
baggage,  was  blown  up. 

Before  the  extatic  joy  of  the  Nation  had  had  time  to 
subside,  the  news  of  another  naval  triumph,  no  less 
honourable  to  the  American  flag,  than  any  of  the  pre- 
ceding, reached  our  shores,  which  proved  that  the  talents 
of  «ur  Commanders  were  as  diversified,  as  the  several 
scenes  in  which  they  acted,  on  the  immense  theatre, 
were  distant.  This  was  the  capture  of  His  Britannic 
Majesty's  Brig  Peacock,  Capt.  Peake,  who  fell  in  the 
action,  by  the  United  States  ship  Hornet,  Capt.  Law- 
rence, after  a  severe  conflict  of  fifteen  minutes.  So 
completely  was  she  cut  in  pieces,  that  although  the  ut- 
most dispatch  was  used,  she  went  down  before  tlj£ 


62 

wounded  and  prisoners  could  be  removed.  Thirteen  ol 
her  crew  went  down,  besides  three  of  the  brave  tars 
belonging  to  the  Hornet.  The  circumstances  under 
which  this  action  was  undertaken,  entUle  the  brave 
Lawrence  to  the  highest  reputation  for  boldness  of 
decision,  and  exactness  of  calculation,  and  will  ever 
characterize  it  as  one  of  the  most  brilliant  achievements 
of  Naval  enterprize.  It  was  undertaken  with  a  ship  of 
superior  force,  and  within  sight  of  the  Espeigle  which 
mounted  16  guns,  and  lay  during  the  action,  at  the  dis- 
tance only  of  two  leagues.  It  took  place  off  Demarara, 
on  the  24th  Feb.  1813.  The  Peacock  had  7  killed  and 
29  wounded.  The  Hornet  had  only  2  killed  and  3 
wounded,  and  was  so  little  damaged  that  she  was  fitted 
for  action  a  few  hours  after  the  engagement.  The 
brave  and  since  unfortunate-  Licttt.  Sli'-.bri'jk,*  bore  n 
distinguished  part  in  this  glorious  event. 

Could  the  history  of  the  lamented  Lawrence  close 
here,  no  circumstance  could  arise  to  embitter  recollec- 
tion. His  next  conflict,  the  issue  of  which  is  well 
known,  covered  the  lar:d  with  mourning,  but  instead  of 
diminishing,  threw  a  majestic  and  awful  lustre  on  his 
fame.  If  the  mingled  tears  of  friends  and  of  enemies, 
add  durability  to  the  tints  of  the  evergreen  that  encir- 
cles the  temples  of  the  brave,  the  wreath  of  Lawrence 

*  Lieut.  Shubrick,  was  charged  with  dispatches  from  Com- 
modore Dccatur,  after  his  subjugation  of  the  Barbary  powers 
in  July  last,  to  the  Government  of  the  United  States.  He 
suiled  from  the  Mediterranean  in  the  Epervier  sloop  of  war, 
the  latter  part  of  the  month,  and  had  on  board  the  liberated 
captives.  As  she  has  never  since  been  heard  of,  it  results  that 
she  must  have  been  lost  in  some  of  the  eerere  gales  that  nr€ 
season, 


83 

shall  be  distinguished  by  admiring  ages,  until  the  billows 
•f  old  ocean  shall  forget  to  roll. 

The  effect  of  these  events,  was,  in  no  respect  how- 
ever to  influence  the  fate  of  the  contest.  While  our 
frrave  tars  were  tearing  the  dusty  laurels  from  the  vete- 
ran brow  of  a  gallant  foe,  a  temporizing  and  incapable 
cabinet  were  dealing  out  a  peck  of  flints  to  one  half 
starved  and  unpaid  army,  a  keg  of  powder  and  a  bar- 
rel of  whiskey  to  another,  and  cashiering  the  officers 
»f  a  third.  While  a  constellation  of  naval  victories 
darted  an  effulgence  of  glory  on  both  hemispheres,  a 
host  of  supernumerary  and  beardless  officers,  were 
drying  their  shirts  by  grisly  moonshine:  a  junto  of  ig- 
nobles,  with  no  patriotism  but  the  love  of  office  in  their 
Jtearts,  and  no  wisdom  but  mutual  jealousy  in  their  Iieads9 
most  profoundly  judged,  that  the  splendor  of  the  tri- 
umph would  be  increased,  by  dyking  out  the  waters  of 
the  St.  Lawrence,  with  the  puny  efforts  of  a  wheel-bar- 
row, and  blowing  up  the  ocean  with  the  hypochondriac 
wind  of  a  Torpedo.  The  genius  of  Columbia  presided 
over  the  destinies  of  our  little  Navy,  while  the  meagre 
ghost  of  Don  Quixote  directed  every  movement  by  land. 
While  the  charming  goddess  was  scattering  laurels  with 
the  discriminating  wisdom  of  a  sage,  the  crazy  Knijjit 
of  La  Mancha  was  most  valiantly  thumping  his  ribs 
against  a  windmill. 

But  we  turn  from  the  disgusting  subject.  We  will 
not  attempt  a  caricature,  since  language  and  nature 
have  denied  us  the  materials  for  sketching  the  outline  of 
a  picture. 

The  neutral  enquirer,  the  tenant  of  another  realm, 
and  still  more,  disinterested  posterity  will  have  a  right 
*o  demand  y  "  Did  not  these  once  deadly  foes  to  a  navy, 


64 

openly  confess  their  error  ?    Did  they  not  instantly  re- 
tract, and  make  the  only  atonement  in  their  power  to 
a  degraded  and   long   defrauded   country  r"     No ;  so 
far  from  it,  that  the  peals  of  rejoicing  had  scarcely 
done   sounding,  when  Democracy  flapped   her  dusky 
wings,  took  the  lovely  infant  in  her  harpy  fangs,  had 
the  child  named  anew,  and  stood  its  god-mother.     Nay, 
before  the  astonishment  of  the  bye-standers  had  ceas- 
ed, she  declared  herself  its  legitimate  parent,  began  to 
inflate  its  chest  with  the  wind  of  adulation,  and  offered 
her  Ethiopian  breast  to  its  coral  lips.     "  What,  all  this 
without  a  blush  !"     Ah !    honest  friend,  "  carry   your 
coals  to  Newcastle,"  talk  of  blushes  to  a  monument. 
The  wide  spread  waters  of  disgrace  had  deluged  the 
land  ;   the  redeeming  energy  of  Columbia's  fame,  had 
fled  to  the  ocean.     Thus  circumstanced,  there  was  no 
room  for  delicacy  of  feeling,  for  the  mincing  ceremony 
of  blushing.     And   it  must   be  confessed   the   brazen 
visage  of  Democracy  was  admirably  fitted,  hammered, 
and  disciplined  for  the  occasion.     Placed  in  circum- 
stances exactly  similar,  Satan  himself  would  Inck  com- 
posure of  countenance   when   boasting   of   the    most 
Liunble  act  of  Christian  charity,  performed  by  another. 
Well  might  a  faction  be  proof  against  betraying  any 
symptoms  of  shame,  who  could  never  be  even  suspect- 
ed of  compassion.     When    the   motives  to   patriotism 
have  ceased  to  be  any  other  than  personal  and  tempo- 
rizing, no  contrition  is  ever  felt,  but  when  ability  falls 
s!  art  of  ambition;    and   the  bosom    which  has   dealt 
t-»  wards  the  war-worn  soldier,  with  a  treacherous  hand 
ami  an  icy  heart,  is  warmed  with  other  combustibles, 
than  a  sense  of  shame  or  love  of  country. 


CHAPTER  M>i- 


{.'-•.\FJB£ENi;Jt.S  AT  THE  WIGWAM  —  TRIAL  OP  COUNT 

US-OFP  -  EXPEDITION  AND  WONDERFUL  ADVENTURES'  OF 
SMYTE-US-OFF  -  CAUSES  OF  ITS  FAILURE  -  MISFORTUNES 
OF  OUR  FRIEND  NAP  —  P.EFLECTIONS. 

"  WHAT  a  piece  of  work  is  man  !"  says  one  —  "  How 
noble  in  reason,  how  infinite  in  faculties  !;?  and  he 
might  have  added,  how  diversified  in  talents  ;  how  gi- 
gantic in  ambition  !  This  learned  exclamation,  with 
the  lucky  addition,  was  forced  on  the  author's  mind 
by  comparing  the  magnitude  of  the  task  he  had  under- 
taken, with  the  variety  of  talents,  requisite  to  its  faith- 
ful execution.  When  once  a  man  by  some  unlucky 
whim  of  imagination,  considers  himself  as  a  literary 
character,  how  blind  must  be  his  ambition,  to  undertake 
to  be  a  historian,  at  the  first  onset  !  to  whisper  in  the 
ear  of  posterity,  a  knotty  string  of  facts,  leaning  for 
aid,  on  that  slender  reed,  a  goose  quill,  and  trusting 
perpetually  to  the  "  fitful  freaks"  of  recollection  !  Yet 
such,  unhappily,  is  the  case  of  every  author,  who 
makes  truth  his  pilot,  and  instruction  his  object. 

We  are  now  to  take  a  fresh  peep  at  the  drawing 
room  :  the  important  events  which  we  have  recorded  in 
the  two  preceding  chapters  made  it  necessary  for  the 
noses  of  the  knowing  ones  to  form  a  perpetual  focus 
of  wisdom.  The  surrender  of  the  valiant  Count  Scratch- 
us-oflf,  perplexed  them  not  a  little.  They  feared  the 
anger  of  Uncle  Sam.  After  a  short  debate,  however, 

.7 


06  ' 

it  was  considered  best  to  charge  Hie  Field  Marshal  with 
being  bribed  by  the  gold  of  John  Bull,  a  charge  that 
always  rested  heavily  on  the  shoulders  of  his  butting 
Majesty.  And  this,  it  was  thought,  would  the  more 
easily  go  down,  as  the  chief  Steward  had  formerly  paid 
fifty  thousand  bits  of  silver,  to  prove  the  destructive  ef- 
ficacy of  gold  on  Tom  Boston  ;  so  much  expense,  there- 
fore, having  been  incurred,  to  establish  the  fact  that 
corruption  was  possible,  for  which  we  had  never  realised 
any  thing  in  return,  it  Avas  thought  Uncle  Sam,  would 
be  under  obligation  to  believe  this  merely  out  of  cour- 
tesy. It  was  decided  that  the  Field  Marshal  should  be 
tried,  with  great  form  and  solemnity,  which  was  accord- 
ingly done.  The  charge  of  bribery  was  not  supported ; 
but  another  was  resorted  to,  which  by  management  was 
made  to  answer  all  the  purposes  of  a  substitute — viz. — 
Cowardice:  and,  although  the  Field  Marshal  made  it 
appear  tolerably  well,  that  he  had  not  all  that  support 
which  he  had  a  right  to  expect,  and  was  assailed  by  an 
unexpected  host  of  the  sons  of  Cain,  yet  he  was  made 
the  scape-goat,  to  carry  the  freight  of  the  charge  of 
mismanagement  from  the  sensitive  consciences  of  for- 
tunate office  holders,  and  thus  the  business  ended.— 
The  Chief  Steward  discovered  great  judgment  in  man- 
aging this  affair.  He  employed  a  certain  Squire  Pea- 
cock, and  gave  him  a  round  two  thousand,  to  appear  at 
the  trial  and  bedaub  the  unfortunate  Marshal  with  the 
lamp-black  of  his  imagination,  and  as  he  was  a  slang- 
whanger  by  profession,  he  fulfilled  his  duty  in  a  masierly 
style.  Uncle  Sam  accepted  the  sacrifice,  and  made  no 
further  rout  about  it. 

The  exploits  of  the  navy  came  next  under  considera- 
tion.   Here  Sangrado  had  something  to  say.    He  de- 


67 

clared  that  as  he  had  the  publishing  of  every  Decree^ 
Bull,  Ukase,  Proclamation,  and  Manifesto  to  the  family, 
he  had  a  perfect  right  to  consider  himself  the  only  gen- 
uine opinion-founder  and  whim-vender,  in  the  family, 
and  that  accordingly  he  had  some  years  since,  declared 
himself  the  "  organ  of  the  public  will,"  and  that  as  he 
had  been  directed  by  his  employers  to  say  many 
grievous  things  against  a  navy,  and  as  the  saying  is  to 
write  it  down,  it  would  be  a  hard  thing  npw  to  oblige 
him  to  right  it  up.  It  would-be  like  forcing  a  child  to 
repair  its  own  mischief,  like  rubbing  the  nose  of  a  pup- 
py in  its  own  filth.  "  And  although,"  said  he,  "  I  do 
not  expect  to  get  my  living  by  my  modesty,  yet  it  is 
very  convenient  even  for  great  knaves,  to  have  some, 
respect  fo\-  the  eharactcv  of  being  consistent  in  their 
knavery." 

The  honest  Squire  was  answered  by  a  broad  laugh. 
Jacques  thought  it  very  extraordinary,  that  a  man  who 
was  so  well  paid  for  his  work,  should  talk  about  consis- 
tency, ll  for  so  long  said  he  as  you  get  constant  employ 
nt  your  profession,  what  is  the  use  of  prating  about  mo- 
desty or  conscience.  One  might  well  suppose  that  a 
man,  who  had  so  roundly  and  so  often  declared,  that 
the  Berlin  and  Milan  decrees  were  revoked,  in  contra- 
diction to  positive  and  practical  proof,  backed  by  the 
declaration  of  Nap  himself,  might  be  prepared  to  assert 
any  thing.  As  long  as  we  are  consistent  in  our  exer- 
tions and  devices  to  hold  our  places,  and  secure  the 
emoluments,  let  consistency  be  wanting  wherever  else 
it  may.  Modesty !  indeed !  a  wretch,  who  lives  by 
tying ;  lies  for  a  living  and  lives  to  lie,  to  talk  about 
modesty,  or  be  squeemish  about  falling  in  love  with  what 
j^e  has  so  aealously  labored  to  make  every  body  hate, 


iieirays  a  weakness  which  I  should  have  supposed  this 
.fellow,  one  of  the  hist  to  be  suspected  of."  In  short, 
.all  agreed  that  as  it  was  formerly  expedient  to  decry  a 
navy  in  order  to  obtain  office,  it  was  now  as  absolutely 
necessary  for  them  to  support  it,  in  order  to  keep  their 
•ffices.  None  but  fools  and  zealots  would  deny  the 
doctrine  "that  the  end  justifies  the  means;"  and  if  it 
was  justifiable,  by  any  means  to  obtain  office,  certainly 
there  can  be  no  measures,  which  it  were  not  justifiable 
to  adopt,  to  secure  and  retain  it. 

It  was  thought  best  however,  to  say  as  little  about  the 
Jiavy  as  possible — to  keep  boasting  of  its  exploits — 
sing  out  "  free  trade  and  Sailors  rights"  in  every  corner, 
and  attribute  our  good  fortune,  whether  by  land  or 
water,  chiefly  to  the  justice  of  our  cause,  and  the  con- 
summate icisdom  of  the  counsels  which  directed  every 
measure. 

Much  was  said  about  that  modern  Pharaoh,  Torn 
Boston,  who  would  not  let  the  people  go;  but  it  was 
prudently  concluded  that  as  he  had  cited  a  former 
opinion  of  the  present  Chief  Steward  in  defence  of  hte 
conduct,  it  was  best  to  let  the  matter  rest.  The  disas> 
ters  in  the  North  were  bewailed,  in  tones  between, 
growling  and  whining ;  but  great  hopes  were  entertained 
from  the  expedition  which  was  then  preparing  under  the 
gallant  Smyte-us-off,  who,  being  born  and  bred  in  a 
\varmer  climate,  would  not  suffer  from  the  phlegm  and 
irresolution  of  the  Northern  Captains. 

To  this  brilliant  and  decisive  expedition  we  now  has- 
i.en  with  all  the  ardor  of  historic  frenzy,  confident  the 
admirer  of  daring  and  romantic  adventuies  will  find  an 
ample  reward  for  the  trouble  we  shall  give  him  in  pur- 
suing its  details.  The  brave  Fielel  Marshal  had  mads 


the  science  of  war  his  study  in  his  retirement,  and  so 
exact  was  he,  in  all  his  calculations,  that  it  was  said  he 
could  estimate  to  an  half-pint,  the  quantity  of  water  that 
would  be  necessary  to  fill  the  surrounding  ditch  of  a 
mole-hillock,  and  determine  within  a  quart,  the  quantity 
requisite  to  drown  the  groping  tenants  from  their  sub- 
terraneous palace,  and  drench  their  velvet  jackets. 

From  the  realms  of  Tobacco,  with  an  eye  fired  with 
the  love  of  Glory,  and  a  heart  ready  to  burst  with 
courage — a  head  filled  with  military  science  to  the  fourth 
story,  and  a  breast  burning  like  a  coalpit  with  patriotism, 
our  Hero  bent  his  course  toward  the  theatre  of  action. 
Volunteers  flocked  after  him  from  all  quarters,  like 
children  after  a  show-man,  or  boys  in  the  train  of  an 
Elephant.  The  abortive  attempts  that  had  been  made, 
served  only  to  enhance  the  credit  of  a  succeeding  en- 
terprise, and  such  a  fund  of  glory,  in  prospcctu,  was 
placed  before  the  greedy  ambition  of  adventurers,  that, 
although  Uncle  Sam's  paper  scarcely  went  at  par,  the 
stock  in  this  Glory  or  Laurel  fund,  sold  readily  at  two 
hundred  per  cent. 

Julius  Cesar  writes  of  himself,  (boastful  fellow  !)  «  I 
came,  1  saw,  I  conquered."  Our  Hero,  imitating  and 

surpassing  Cesar,  came,  and  saw,  and issued  a 

tremendous  proclamation.  It  was  near  the  close  of  the 
saucy  month  of  October  j  the  frost  had  already  nipped 
every  vegetable  but  the  evergreen,  and  chilled  every 
drug  but  the  cordials  of  Cupid,  and  the  essences  of  Patf 
riotism.  Standing  on  the  brink  of  the  modern  Styx,  at 
the  utmost  boundaries  of  the  fields  of  Stoffle,  the  valiant 
Knight  let  off  the  following  expectoration  of  windy 
verbosity  from  his  breast. 

7-* 


70 

"  Men  of  Stoffle's  Land .' 

In  a  few  days  I  shall  plant  the  standard  of  Uncle 
Sam,  in  the  heart  of  the  Snowfields.  I  have,  with  me  a 
powerful  force,  almost  as  many  as  I  could  wish ;  but, 
knowing,  as  I  do,  your  attachment  to  our  beloved  Uncle, 
and  your  passion  for  adventures,  I  would  accept  of  a  few 
of  you,  if  you  offer  soon,  merely  for  sake  of  company, 
and  that  you  may  look  on,  and  be  able  to  teach  your 
sons  how  to  conquer.  I  shall  most  certainly  take  all 
the  possessions  of  Bull  from  him  ;  I  will  leave  him  nei- 
iher  hide  nor  hair,  root  or  branch.  I  will  not  promise 
you  there  will  be  no  fighting;  but  I  will  engage  it  shall 
not  last  long,  for  I  have  fixed  the  time  when  I  will  be  at 
Quebec,  even  to  a  day.  Perhaps  you  may  be  discour- 
aged by  the  failure  of  two  attempts  already  made  ;  take 
heart  my  lads,  the  fault  was  not  in  the  troops,  but  in 
those  who  led  them.  '  The  Commanders  were  popular 
menj  but  destitute  alike  of  theory  or  experience  in  the 
art  of  war.'  Come  then  .'  and  put  yourselves  under  my 
direction,  for  a  little  tune.  I  promise  you  good  treat- 
ment, but  you  must  expect  to  be  subject  to  wholesome 
discipline.  l  Come  in  companies,  in  half  companies,  in 
pairs  or  single,  and  I  will  organize  you  for  a  short  tour.' 
Come  on  foot,  come  on  horseback,  come  in  carts,  come 
n  waggons,  and  let  some  persons  come  with  you  to  take 
jeach  vehicle  of  conveyance  back.  Come,  bringing 
provisions  sufficient  to  serve  you  for  four  or  five  days, 
and  I  promise  you,  to  give  you  an  opportunity  to  eat 
ihem  up.  Come  then  and  share  in  that  rich  harvest  of 
glory,  into  which  I  am  about  to  thrust  the  sickle. 
Another  opportunity  for  so  splendid  an  enterprize,  will 
not  offer  during  your  lives.  And  how  will  your  bosoms 
witU  ewguisU  hereafter,  when  you  shall  fold  your 


ri 

arms  and  say,  '  Canada  is  conquered  j  the  laurels  are 
all  gathered,  and  I  was  not  there.' " 

Our  adventurer,  as  might  be  judged,  soon  collected  a 
motley  multitude  around  him.  There  you  might  see 
old  fellows  with  rusty  guns,  and  young  fops  and  foplings, 
without  any  arms,  only  waiting  for  preferment,  hanging 
round  the  Knight's  palace,  to  catch  if  possible,  a  nod  or 
a  smile  from  his  Eolian  Majesty.  Volunteers  of  all 
ranks  and  descriptions  were  flocking  to  his  standard. — 
One  had  a  gun,  another  a  bayonet  fixed  at  the  extremi- 
ty of  a  broom-stick ;  a  third  a  cartridge  box,  a  fourth  a 
knapsack,  a  fifth  a  canteen,  and  sixth  a  knotted  club.— 
Of  clothing,  some  had  coats,  others  shirts ;  some  had 
shoes,  and  others  stockings-  And  some,  to  make  amends 
for  the  absence  of  a/Z  tliese  precious  articles,  had  a  blanket. 
In  the  Camp  all  was  hurry,  bustle  and  confusion.  The 
troops  were  daily  exercised  in  all  the  important  tactics 
and  evolutions  necessary  to  their  approaching  enter- 
prize.  Mock  skirmishes,  furious  onsets,  marches,  coun- 
termarches, advances  and  retreats.  In  these  operations 
many  individual  disasters  occurred  ;  here  was  a  whiskey 
cart  overset;  there  a  gaming  establishment  routed. 
In  one  part,  a  party  of  Military  Belles  disturbed,  in 
another,  a  drunken  soldier  trampled  in  the  mud.  Day 
after  day  was  fixed  on  for  the  purpose  of  crossing  the 
river  Styx.  Peter  the  fisherman,  was  engaged  to  act  as 
Charon,  and  invested  by  Count  Turn-skin,  with  all  the 
powers  requisite  to  constitute  him  Stygian  Admiral,  and 
Ferryman  of  souls,  (for  in  many  instances  there  was 
little  use  to  embark,)  and  every  wherry,  that  plied  ou 
the  Stygian  waters,  was  stamped  with  the  impri-matur 
of  requisition.  At  length  the  expeclata  dies,  the  wished 
for  day  arrived.  The  boats  were  ready j  the  common- 


ders  were  ready — the  land  of  Promise  lay  in  full  view.. 
Conquest  invited,  Glory  beckoned, duty  urged;  Patriot- 
ism stimulated,  the  harvest  was  ripe ; — but  alas  !  the 
Reapers, — the  Volunteers,  had  run  away,  the  night  be- 
fore. Will  posterity  treat  it  as  a  fact,  or  spurn  it  as  a 
calumny  ;  that  sons  of  Whiskey,  from  the  farm  of  the 
immortal  Broadbrim,  having  emptied  their  Canteens  of 
all  the  genuine  whiskey,  the  aqua  twitch-eve,  which  they 
brought  with  them  from  home,  decamped  in  one  night — 
not  by  half  "  companies,'7  in  "  pairs"  or  "  singles"  but 
by  hundreds,  bag  and  baggage,  officers  and  men,  and  left 
this  vast  harvest  of  glory  to  rot  on  the  ground.  Yet 
such  is  the  fact;  I  assert  it  with  all  the  long-favored 
gravity  of  an  historian.  Various  conjectures  have  been 
started  as  to  the  true  cause  of  this  premature  decompo- 
sition of  our  Knight's  army.  Some  asserted  that  he  put 
the  yeast  into  the  Beer  too  soon ;  others  that  he  put  in 
too  much;  others  that  he  should  not  have  drawn  the 
corks  so  soon;  but  away  with  these  whim-whams,  the 
historian  will  give  his  opinion.  Every  leer-woman 
knows  that  this  beverage  in  its  working  state,  is  in. 
danger  of  throwing  out  the  corks,  or  of  bursting  its 
containers  whenever  a  thunder-gust  comes  over.  Now 
Bull  had  roared  most  tremendously  for  several  days,  on 
the  other  side  the  Styx.  Knowing  the  fate  that  was 
preparing  for  him,  he  put  on  a  voice  of  thunder,  by 
which  means,  out  flew  the  stoppers  and  all  the  fixed  air; 
the  patriotism  evaporated,  escaped,  and  broke  away. — 
And  those  who  came  as  Volunteers,  went  away  as  such, 
— true  sons  of  freedom,  choosing  their  own  time  for 
action* 


73 

SONG, 
By  one  of  the  Fugitive  Volunteers* 

WHAT'S  freedom,  think  ye  ? — to  resign 

Ourselves  to  others'  svill  ? 
Without  the  license  to  repine., 

At  pain,  or  threat'uing  ill  ? 

<3an  freedom  heal  a  batter'd  shin  j 

Restore  our  broken  wind  ? 
Remove  one  puncture  from  our  skiii, 

Or  calin  a  frighten'd  inind  ? 

We  volunteered  to  show  our  love 
For  war,  and  not  for  fighting : 

Nor  Patriotism  itself  can  prove, 
Beyond  this  point,  inviting. 

Fool-hardy  wretch,  that  waits  the  blow. 

'Till  forc'd,  at  last,  to  yield, 
He  offers  the  pursuing  foe, 

His  breeches  for  a  shield. 

Far  wiser  he,  that  shuns  the  striie, 
And  prudent,  bends  to  reason  j 

Weighs  well  the  value  of  his  life? 
And  learns  to  run  in  seasoD. 

The  coward  only,  ever  fears 

The  loss  of  reputation ; 
This  loss  the  real  Hero  bear^ 

With  harden'd  resignation.. 


74 

It  is  quite  to  our  purpose  to  mention  here,  how  very 
fortunate  it  wr.s,  on  the  present  occf.sion,  that  tlie  Fit-Id 
jVIarshal,  anil  Peter  the  fisherman,  had  separate  com- 
mands in  this  memorable  expedition.  This  circum- 
stance enabled  them  to  throw  the  blame  on  each  other, 
which  they  did,  with  so  much  dexterity,  that  Uncle 
Sam  knew  not  against  which  to  direct  his  reproaches : 
for,  indeed,  they  threw  the  charges  of  "  incapacity" 
and  "  cowardice,"  with  such  rapidity  to  each  other, 
that  our  Uncle  sat,  rolling  his  huge  eyes  first  at  one, 
then  at  the  other,  like  a  kitten,  watching  the  pendulous 
motion  of  a  ball  of  yarn,  that  in  the  end,  he  grew  wea- 
ry and  sick  of  both  of  them,  and  utterly  refused  to  in- 
stitute any  enquiry  into  the  causes  of  the  failure  of  the 
expedition. 

Shortly  after  this,  certain  causes  rendered  it  necessa- 
ry for  the  wise  ones  again  to  convene  at  the  great  wig- 
wam. Very  important  and  urgent  matters  presented 
t-hemselves  for  deliberation.  Among;  the  most  promi- 
nent of  these,  were  the  misfortunes  of  our  friend  Nap. 

T'    *  *  11"  *  "     -**         »-        *-•  *-     f- 1-       -  '    "o    r>+  ft  4  *  •- 

mats  fellow  liar.  r'cM^C"  :::rnse::  !••"...".  '.-••  ...'.^L.^  o.«*tv« 
in  life,  to  the  command  of  a  great  empire  j  and  being 
deeply  skilled  in  the  art  of  war,  he  subjugated  the  na- 
tions around  him  and  put  them  all  under  tribute,  ex- 
cepting John  Bull,  and  Alexander  Bearskin,  who  being 
stubborn  dogs,  would  not  so  readily  submit  to  his  au- 
thority. As  he  could  not  readily  get  at  Bull  he  deter- 
mined first  to  humble  Alexander,  who  assisted  John  in 
all  his  undertakings.  For  this  purpose  he  collected  an 
immense  army,  and  marclied  into  his  territory,  or,  as 
it  is  sometimes  called  the  land  of  Muscovy,  determined 
to  plunder  and  burn  the  whole  country.  But  the  surly 
Muscovite  had  employed  a  Commander  to  manage  tbe 


SJ 

contest  that  brought  the  adventurous  Corsican  into  so 
rious  difficulty.  Nap  was  met  at  the  confines  of  the  in- 
vaded territories,  and  his  progress  obstinately  disputed 
at  every  advance,  until  his  wearied  and  wasted  army 
readied  Moscow,  the  place  of  its  destruction.  To  this 
the  bloody  fields  of  Smolensko,  Eeivsina,  and  many 
other  places,  will,  for  ages  to  come,  bear  melancholy 
witness.  The  vast  and  comprehensive  mind  of  KutusofT 
was  perhaps  the  only  one  of  all  its  cotemporaries,  ca- 
pable of  conceiving,  maturing,  and  of  carrying  into 
complete  effect,  a  plan  on  which  depended  the  happi- 
ness of  Europe, — the  freedom  and  independence  of 
the  world.  He  retreated  indeed  before  the  enemy,  in- 
to the  heart  of  his  own  country,  like  a  flood  rolling  back 
upon  its  own  resources.  Behind  him  was  desolation  ; 
before  him  the  earth  trembled.  War  had  assumed  his 
most  gigantic  form — his  most  terific  features.  Ambi- 
tion, on  either  side,  prompted  to  the  most  daring  enter- 
prizes  and  urged  to  mightiest  efforts.  At  a  single  bat- 
tle whole  nations  were  annihilated,  whole  provinces  de- 
stroyed. The  noble  Russian,  whose  temples  were 
bleached  by  the  frosts  of  fourscore  winters,  viewed  the 
wasted  province,  the  deserted  village,  the  smoking  city, 
with  dignified  composure,  not  because  his  heart  was  in- 
sensible ;  but  lie  regarded  these,  as  only  partial  and 
temporary  evils,  compared  with  the  magnitude  and  im- 
portance of  the  objects  in  contest.  The  self-dubbed 
Emperor  reached  Moscow.  The  crafty  KutusofF  witk 
his  powerful  army  had  retired  to  the  Southeast,  and  ef- 
fectually cut  off  every  resource,  and  every  prospect  of 
supplies.  Moscow  was  a  captive  city;  a  desert ;  a 
hermitage,  and  the  funeral  pile  of  the  Tyrant's  power, 
almost  at  the  same  instant.  He  had  no  resource  but  in 


flight — aa  ignominious  rout,  which  was  designed  to  show 
his  disgrace  in  detail  and  prove  the  terrible  consumma- 
tion of  his  ruin.  The  flames  of  this  queen  of  cities, 
gilded  the  pathway  to  the  emancipation  of  nations — to 
the  happiness  of  mankind.  From  it,  the  altar  of  free- 
dom was  ignited  and  sent  its  blaze  to  the  heavens. 
Xot  a  solitary  nation  in  the  old  world,  but  hailed  this 
epoch  as  the  jubilee  of  Europe,  and  sent  up  its  offering 
©f  gratitude  to  the  great  Dispenser  of  mercies.  Human- 
ity poured  forth  tears  of  joy  as  she  beheld  the  day  of 
deliverance  to  the  captive  approach.  In  this  develope- 
ment  of  the  vast  dt  signs  of  Infinite  Wisdom,  the  gen- 
ius of  freedom  rejoiced  at  the  beneficent  purposes  of 
Divine  Providence,  towards  a  guilty  world,  and  extend- 
ed her  arms  to  vast  communion  of  social  man. 

He,  who  had  for  twenty  years,  chased  repose  from 
Europe,  and  poured  out  her  blood  as  water,  was  in  his 
turn,  brought  to  taste  the  cup  of  affliction  and  to  escape 
for  his  life.  He,  who  a  few  months  before  drove  his 
chariot  wheels  over  thousands  of  slain,  row  found  his 
way  blocked  up  by  enemies,  and  the  perishing  remains 
of  his  own  army,  and  was  compelled  to  fly  almost  unat- 
tended, before  the  unwearied  pursuit  of  armies,  whom 
his  own  ambition  had  made  his  foes,  and  on  whom  the 
pale  ghost  of  murdered  millions,  called  for  vengeance. 
And  who,  the  future  historian  will  ask,  commiserated 
the  monster  ?  What  nation,  that  had  heard  his  name, 
mourned  his  disasters,  or  awarded  him  its  sympathy  ? 
Not  one.  No — accursed  as  is  the  moral  condition  of 
man,  that  nation  has  not  been  found,  who  could  deplore 
his  fall.  That  nation  could  not  long  exist  who  could  be 
guilty  of  such  rebellion  against  reason — such  impiety 
towards  Heaven-  One  Government,  one  Cabinet  only* 


'blush  O  Sun.)  whose  plans  of  se&aggrandi/euaeiit 
not  yet  consummated:  whose  deeds  of  v.ickoi; 
"  hated  the  light,"  "  mourned  in  secret."'  One  govern- 
ment ! — But  it  was  net  the  TurLlili — not  a.  eUtn  of  the 
Savages — nor  even  the  herding  Brutes — no  ;  the  faithful 
pencil  of  history  proudly  exempts  them  from  so  101 .'. 
reproach. 

But  who  ? — the  Index  of  truth  shall  point  it  out, — In- 
famy shall  imprint  its  name  with  dyes  prepared  from 
the  mud  of  Cocytus,  its  stains  shall  grow  deeper  through 
descending  ages; — the  waters  that  drowned  the  worli' 
could  not  bleach  out  the  dishonor;  nor  the  str^ar N 
Lethe  destroy  its  memory. 


CHAPTER  IX. 


SPECIAL    CARE  'OF    HIS    MASTER  —  A    VILLAGE 
BAR-ROOM  —  SPEECH   OF  AN   OLD    SOLDIER  —  FAMILY  CON- 

FERENCE. 

AMIDST  such  a  multitude  of  disasters,  treading  on  tlie 
heels  of  each  other,  it  became  necessary  to  keep  a 
constant  eye  on  Uncle  Sam,  and  lest  he  should  grow 
wearyt>f  the  sport,  to  keep  a  perpetual  distillation  of 
encouragement  dropping  in  his  ear.  Sangrado,  to  whom 
belonged  the  duty  of  reconnoitering  the  feelings  of  his 
adopted  Uncle,  was  admirably  fitted  for  his  office.  Alb 
indeed  that  could  be  fairly  expected  from  an  obstinate 
and  mulish  adherence  to  his  own  opinion,  aided  by  the 
most  exact  discipline  might  be  justly  counted  on,  yet 
still  would  the  unseasoned  warrior,  although  not  deficient 
in  courage,  sometimes  throw  back  his  eyes,  and  softly 
wish  he  had  never  embarked  in  the  contest. 

When  this  happened,  he  was  told  by  his  faitliful  Squire, 
ihat  it  was  dishonourable  to  retreat,  that  Glory  and 
Honor  must  be  searched  for,  —  neither  of  them  would 
search  after  hisn.  The  Squire,  after  the  example  of  the 
Knight  of  La  Mancha,  had  invented  a  sovereign  remedy 
for  every  wound,  and  for  every  disease  excepting  a 
lean  purse,  and  a  crazy  reputation.  So  dexterous  and 
happy  was  his  genius,  and  so  pat  the  application  of  his 
faculties  to  every  emergency,  that  he  was  sometimes 
called,  by  way  of  distinction,  the  «  mental-mule-Doctor." 
His  Dispensary  was  far  better  provided  than  that  of 


79 

Shakespeare's  Apothecary,  for  instead  of  a  "  beggarly 
account  of  empty  boxes,"  he  could  show  a  sovereign 
remedy  for  all  the  wounds,  pustules  and  pimples  to  which 
the  consciences  of  Political  Sinners,  were  subject. 

If  Uncle  Sam  was  defeated,  lie  would  immediately 
cry  out  Bravo !  never  hero  performed  so  well ! — and 
boldly  threaten  to  knock  the  first  man  down  that  cou- 
irn  dieted  him.  If  enlistments  went  on  slowly,  the  pros- 
perous state  of  the  country,  and  the  high  price  of  labor- 
was  the  obstacle.  If  the  loans  were  not  filled,  Tom 
Boston  was  sure  to  take  a  cursing.  Whenever  Unck 
Sam's  paper  fell,  Toryism  and  British  gold  were  the 
causes,  and  whenever  the  justice  of. the  war  was  called 
in  question,  "  Free  trade  and  Sailors  rights,"  was  the 
answer.  Our  faithful  S.Tjire  carried  his  apothecary's 
shop  in  his  head;  his  intellectual  cordials,  his  "  mental 
balsanis"  liis  •*  eoifii-jwostci  i  To*  «ie  coiiscience,"  ir»«» 
•'•  fever  powders  for  the  brain,"  his  "  grand  restoratives 
for  courage,"  his  "  treasury  blister  salve."  and  his  genu- 
ine itch  ointment  prepared  to  cure  the  "itch  aftei 
office."  Who  would  not  willingly  consent  to  be  sick,  t<s 
have  such  a  physician,  and  such  attendance  ? 

But  the  scientific  gravity  of  history  is  bound  to  en- 
quire :  how  could  enlistments  kave  a  chronical  progre?5 
in  so  glorious  a  cause  ?  If  words  had  been  hailstones, 
and  had  fallen  in  a  single  shower  on  the  heads  of  the 
Bullites,  then,indeed,.they  had  been  ground  to  powder  in 
half  an  hour ;  and  the  business  of  recruiting  would  have 
had  no  place.  But  as  the  proverb  says,  "  words  speak 
in  a  whisper,  and  actions  through  a  trumpet."  Every 
one  knows,  that  when  an  enterprise  of  such  magnitude 
is  set  on  foot,  which  depends  for  its  success  on  popular 
opinion,  it  is  all  important  to  act  with  great  deliberation, 


80 

~=to  act  cautiously  and  slowly — and  that  one  half  the 
Battle  is  won  by  "raising  the  wind,"  as  it  is  called  ; — 
the  great  art  of  War  in  any  government,  consists  in  its 
being  popular,  and  how  can  a  thing  be  made  popular, 
•  without  talking  about  it  to  the  people  ?  and  how  can  wo 
have  talk  without  words,  and  how  can  we  have  wonis 
without  wind  ?  the  very  summum  bonuin  of  nine  tenth's 
of  the  words  that  arc  used.  Every  Blacksmith  will  tell 
you  that  no  man  can  blow  the  bellows,  and  "  strike, 
while  the  iron  is  hot,"  simultaneously,  at  one  and  the 
same  time.  And  Thomas  the  Magician,  the  wisest  man 
•hat  ever  ran  away  in  the  day  of  battle,  c;:n  declare  how 
difficult  it  is  to  speak  well  and  act  well  at  the  same  time  ; 
nay  from  hir.  o*vn  experience  could  pronounce  how  near 
•  i  approaches  to  an  impossibility,  to  perform  what  we 
have  promised  especially  if  we  have  made  fair  andjfctf- 
tiring  promises, 

The  author  of  these  wonderful  adventures  recollects 
bat  one  day  as  he  was  sitting  in  the  bar-room  of  a  vil- 
lage Hole!,  where  a  Lieutenant  in  the  recrciiing  service 
had  taken  his  lodgings,  he  found  himself  suddenly  ?us- 
roundcd  by  bar-room  politicians,  who  either  moved  by 
principle,  or  the  desire  of  being  noticed  by  the  Lieuten- 
ant, Mho  was  strutting  across  the  room. with  a  segar  in 
hi*  mouth  3  all  approved  much  of  the  war,  and  highly 
commended  the  wisdom  and  prudence  with  which  it  was 
conducted.  Among  a  quorum  of  speakers,  the  attention 
of  the  learned  auditory  was  soon  monopolized  by  a  man, 
who  appeared  to  be  turned  of  fifty,  (and  to  the  authors 
.knowledge  had  turned  down  many  a  glass  of  grog  in 
that  bar-room.)  not  less  from  the  consequence  lie  assum- 
ed, than  from  an  emphatical  d— n  it,  with  which  he 
r  ounded  every  period.  Having  modestly  confessed  that 


he  had  borne  arms,  in  the  Revolution,  and  proffered  hfs 
service  again,  if  the  "  necessity  of  the  case"  required,  he 
went  on  to  prove,  that  our  contest  with  Bull,  was  a 
war  of  defence,  and  that  invading  his  territories,  in  the 
present  instance,  was  an  act  of  retaliatory  justice,  in  alt 
respects  defensible.  That  he  was  surprised  that  any 
one  should  think  otherwise ;  that  we  had  certainly  a 
right  according  to  the  example  of  Bull  himself  to  pun- 
ish an  aggressor,  even  through  the  medium  of  an  unof- 
fending neutral.  But  he  would  not,  he  said,  confound 
national  with  moral  law,  nor  had  he  any  occasion,  in  the 
present  case,  to  resort  to  this  expedient ;  for  the  inhabi- 
tants  of  Canada,  although  Colonists  of  the  Mother 
Country,  and  in  a  relative  sense,  only  Provincials,  were, 
notwithstanding,  morally  a  party  to  all  her  act5,  and 
liable  for  any  claim  which  might  he  established  against 
the  parent  Country.  Canada  was  a  limb,  a  member  of 
the  animal  who  had  offended  u?,  and  it  was  ridiculous 
he  said,  for  any  one  to  pretend  that  because  we  could 
not  seize  the  animal  by  the  horns  or  beard,  we  might 
not  therefore  lay  hold  of  the  opposite  extremity.  With 
this  view  of  the  subject  he  declared  himself  greatly  sur- 
prised that  the  army  should  not  be  immediately  filled 
up,  and  he  was  confident  that  after  his  countrymen  had 
had  time  to  reason  properly  on  the  subject,  there  would 
be  no  difficulty  in  enlisting  men.  If  however,  govern- 
ment could  not  obtain  men  by  enlistments,  he  declared 
himself  in  favor  of  forcible  measures,  such  as  they  have 
in  France— they  raise  an  army  in  a  hurry  there — they 
understand  it,  d — n  if.  At  the  close  of  this  harangue,  a 
form  appeared, — a  man  venerable  for  his  years;  his 
pace  "  slowly  solemn  by  length  of  days,"  introduced  his 
wasted  figure  into  the  company,  and  the  instinctive  rc- 
8*  * 


spect  due  to  age,  detached  oar  eyes  from  the  spcakcr? 
and  for  a  moment  per  Imps  prevented  reply.  The  vene- 
rable whiteness  of  the  strangers  locks,  bespoke  him 
"  worthy  of  four  score,"  he  was  helped  to  a  chair,  and 
was  no  sooner  seated  than  he  began.  "  The  war — the 
war,  I  suppose  you  are  speaking  of  Gentlemen,  for  I 
listened  a  moment  at  the  door  as  I  came  in.  Well,  I 
have  been  through  two  vars,  I  am  too  eld  now, — I  was 
a  soldier  in  the  old  French  war,  I  was  three  years  in  the 
war  of  the  Revolution. — But,  some  how,  we  had  differ- 
ent times  then,  those  wars  were  more  popular  than  this, 
bounty  was  less,  wages  were  less,  the  population  of  the 
country  was  nothing  to  what  it  is  at  present,  yet  enlist- 
ments went  on,  the  army  was  filled  up,  there  was  not 
half  the  opposition  to  those  wars,  that  we  see  now." — 
•'•  But  interrupted  our  former  speaker,  did  not  the  same 
men  oppose  the  war  of  the  revolution,  that  oppose  this, 
the  tories.'-'-— Aye,  the  tories  resumed  the  sage,  but  for 
the  ingenuity  of  some  of  our  modern  politicians,  I 
should  have  supposed  that  the  office  of  tory  w  as  vacated 
at  the  treaty  of  peace,  which  acknowledged  us  indepen- 
dent ;  but  as  I  perfectly  recollect  all  the  circumstances 
attending  the  beginning  of  the  revolution,  I  will  inform 
you,  concerning  the  causes  of  the  grand  division  of  our 
people  at  that  time  into  whigs  and  tories. — When  a 
revolution  first  commences,  it  is  rebellion,  after  it  pro- 
gresses, still  it  is  rebellion,  until  success  gives  it  charac- 
ler  and  respectability.  In  the  commencement  of  all 
great  changes,  energy  and  decision  are  essential  to  se- 
.oure  success,  let  the  cause  be  good  or  bad.  The  phi- 
losopher reasons,  the  sage  deliberates,  the  multitude  act. 
Reason  may  be  the  legislative,  but  the  mob  must  be  the 
power.  What  is  termed  prudence  and  promj>- 


83 

iitude  therefore,  in  plan,  often  becomes  cruelty  and 
fren/y,  in  execution.  The  oppressive  measures  of  the 
British  Parliament  were  resisted,  as  indeed  they  deserv- 
ed j  but  to  give  to  the  abhorrence  of  them,  the  greatest 
possible  weight,  it  seemed  necessary  to  the  sagacious 
many,  that  full  utterance  should  be  given  to  an  undivid- 
ed and  unanimous  denunciation.  Committees  of  safety 
were  therefore  constituted  in  every  town,  parish  and 
borough,  as  conservators  of  the  public  weal,  to  take  care 
that  the  embryo  "  republic  should  receive  no  detriment.0 
These  municipal  tribunals  were  composed  of  men  whose 
faith  was  strong,  and  whose  resolution  was  unquestiona- 
ble ;  not  always  indeed,  did  the  wisdom  of  Mentor,  or 
ihe  philosophic  honesty  of  Aristides  characterize  their 
measures;  but  zeal,  with  or  without  knowledge;  zeal 
was  not  merely  the  evidence,  but  the  leaven  of  patriot- 
ism. I  need  be  at  no  pains  to  demonstrate  to  you,  that 
it  is  impossible  for  any  subject,  even  of  the  highest 
national  importance,  to  appear  in  the  same  light  to  all. 
The  greatest  simplicity  of  features  may  distinguish  it ; 
yet  the  difference  of  constitutions,  habits,  education, 
manners,  local  and  national  attachment  and  prejudices, 
will  give  it  all  the  capricious  hues  of  prismatic  variety. 
Very  few  comparatively  at  that  time,  attempted  to  jus- 
tify the  oppressive  measures  of  the  parent  state.  But 
some  were  disposed  to  temporize — wait  events — and 
proceed  with  caution.  Others  considered  that  to  repeat 
our  petitions  for  redress  might  be  better  than  immediate 
resistance.  And  not  a  few,  some  of  whom  were  allowed 
to  be  good  judges,  prognosticated  an  unsuccessful  issue 
to  the  contest, — they  feared  the  infant  would  be  crushed 
by  the  first  effort  of  the  veteran  and  skilful  adversary. 
Timidity  and  doubt  were  construed  disaffection ;  disaf. 


84 

lection  to  so  good  a  cause  was  overt  treachery,  to  doubt, 
therefore,  was  literally  "  to  be  damned."  Like  a  school- 
master,  who  treats  the  timid  and  stammering  child  with 
the  same  severity  that  he  inflicts  on  the  perverse  and 
obstinate,  these  committees  of  safety,  proscribed  all 
whose  length  did  not  exactly  fit  their  iron  bed,  and  who 
could  not  pass  unsinged,  through  their  fiery  ordeal. 
When  it  is  recollected  that  these  tory-factories  were 
established  in  every  town,  and  that  each  prosecuted  its 
pious  labors  with  Inquisitorial  zeal,  it  cannot  be  won- 
dered that  a  host  of  internal  enemies  were  procured, 
-against  the  most  sacred  cause,  that  ever  aroused  the 
zeal  and  enlisted  the  feelings  of  men.  He,  whether 
guilty  or  innocent,  who  is  persecuted  for  a  traitor,  who 
suffers  and  who  is  branded  as  a  traitor,  can  never  be 
reconciled  even  in  the  abstract  to  a  cause,  which  has 
been  the  chief  agent  of  his  persecution,  and  of  prema- 
ture war  on  his  opinion.  I  am  not,  gentlemen,  con- 
demning the  measures  of  our  patriotic  fathers, — as  little 
would  I  even  be  thought  to  justify  those  who  opposed 
their  glorious  efforts  in  bringing  forward  the  revolution. 
I  am  only  proving  that  in  such  seasons  abuses  will  exist, 
and  "  that  offences  must  come,"  for  they  are  inseparable 
from  the  condition  of  man.  But  I  would  forever  de- 
nounce that  policy,  which,  at  this  late  day,  when  the 
fever  of  the  conflict  has  gone  over,  would  rekindle  tke 
flame,  and  make  the  civil  war  of  passion  eternal.  At 
that  time,  far  the  greater  part  of  the  most  obnoxious, 
and  all  who  had  taken  an  active  part,  left  the  country. 
Most  of  them  now  are  buried  in  the  solitude  of  the  grave, 
and  are  beyond  the  reach  even  of  official  censure.  With 
regard  to  the  lew  who  were  permitted  to  remain  in  an 
inactive  state,  are  not  the  reproaches  of  their  country- 
men for  more  than  thirty  years,  a  sufficient  punishment 


85 

for  error  of  opinion  ?  You  have  seen  them  indeed,  since 
'.he  close  of  the  revolution,  unite  themselves  with  Wash- 
ington, and  those  patriots  who  at  a  critical  and  fearful 
crisis  formed  our  Constitution. 

You  have  seen  them  arrange  themselves  on  the  side 
of  order,  pending  three  dangerous  insurrections-  So- 
lon enacted  that  no  one  should  speak  any  ill  of  the 
Head  ;  for  humanity  teaches  us  to  spare  those  that  are 
uo  more,  and  good  policy  should  prevent  hatred  from 
becoming  immortal.  But  hatred  to  this  class  is  not 
the  ultimate  object  of  those  who  abuse  it.  It  is  the  pol- 
icy of  the  ruling  party  to  keep  up  the  spirit  of  reproach, 
and  transfer  the  odious  name  of  tory  to  all  those  who 
oppose  their  measures.  To  effect  this  object  they  have 
sacrificed  millions  to  the  French  despot,  and  sold  the 
nation  to  his  influence.  To  effect  this  they  have  de- 
clared w?r,  !-"  'Tver  to  make,  a.  distinct  re-division.  r,f 
the  people,  and  to  apply  to  them  the  revolutionary  no- 
menclature of  whig  and  iory.  And  view  it  as  you  will, 
our  Rulers  are  at  this  moment  bemoaning  the  fallen 
fortunes  of  their  tutelar  saint  and  political  puppet-man- 
arer,  with  very  in,t>:res£ed  tears  and  Spaniel  whining. 

Already  haye  the  mandates  of  proscription  gone 
forth,  and  attempts  have  been  made  by  the  pari sites  of 
power,  and  expectants  of  office,  to  teaze  the  nation  in- 
to a  war-fever.  The  political,  purgatory  has  sent  forth 
its  stench  from  near  the  seat  of  government ;  an  at- 
tempt as  foolish  as  it  was  wicked  has  been  made  to 
stifle  the  voice  of  opinion.*  Those  who  oppose  this 

•  The  Baltimore  Massacre,  in  which  the  brave  General  Lin- 
gan  lost  his  life,  Mr.  Hanson  and  many  others  piled  up  for 
dead,  after  having  destroyed  Mr.  Hanson's  printing  ofjke  and 
committing  many  other  outrages, 


S6 

war  are  already  denounced  as  tories.  If  this  were  true, 
and  if  the  opposers  of  the  war  possessed  half  the  turpi- 
tude that  is  ascribed  to  then?,  10,000  of  the  enemy's 
troops  would  march  over  the  country,  and  every  for- 
tress and  principal  city  in  the  Union  would  be  in  their 
hands  in  less  than  three  months.  If  our  rulers  them- 
selves believed  what  they  are  endeavoring  to  make  the 
people  believe,  they  would  not  rest  quietly  in  their 
houses,  or  sleep  in  peace.  Under  such  circumstances 
can  any  one  wonder  why  the  army  is  not  filled  up  ? 
When  those  who  prepared  and  made  the  war  will  ew- 
courage  it  only  by  words,  whither  are  we  to  look  for 
help  ?  do  you  expect  those  whom  you  have  branded  as 
tories  and  traitors  at  the  first  outset,  to  volunteer  in  your 
crusade  against  those  phantoms  which  our  abominable 
servility  against  the  French  despot  has  engendered  ? 


otism. 

The  result  of  this  contest  will  prove,  that  a  popular 
government  must  never  engage  in  war  without  the  un- 
divided assent  of  the  people.  It  is  even  questionable 
whether  England  who  has  made  war  her  trade,  ever 
engaged  in  it  with  so  small  a  majority  as  our  Govern- 
ment have  in  this  instance.  Strengthened  as  the  Mon- 
arch is  by  a  powerful  aristocracy  and  fortified  by  an 
immense  civil  and  pension  rolls,  no  ministry  dares 
risque  a  war  in  defiance  of  as  respectable  and  powerful 
a  minority  as  are  now  in  opposition  to  this  war.  The 
experience  of  our  present  rulers  will,  besides,  teach  them 
this  truth,  that  their  present  supporters,  however  strongly 
they  advocate  the  war  in  opinion,  yet  they  go  no  further. 
If  war  were  to  be  maintained  by  preaching  alone,  they 
would  support  it  to  admiration.  The  war-party  are 


87 

giants  in  faith  and  emmets  in  practice.  Yet  if  the  peo- 
ple have,  in  this  respect  deceived  their  rulers,  the  latter 
may  console  themselves,  that  they  have  set  the  multi- 
titude  the  example.  They  have  so  often  cried  "  Wolf" 
without  occasion,  to  serve  electioneering  purposes, 
that  the  kennel  of  courtiers  from  the  Major-general 
down  to  the  street  scavenger,  have  learned  to  bark  from 
instinct  rather  than  from  reason,  and  have  become  ac- 
customed to  testify  their  usefulness  and  fidelity  to  their 
masters,  by  the  exactness  of  the  time,  and  loudness  of 
their  notes,  in  returning  the  echo.  Do  not  think  gen- 
tlemen, that  I  am  the  advocate  of  the  enemy.  I  know 
and  acknowledge  that  you  have  received  much  injury 
from  them,  for  which  you  are  entitled  to  redress.  And 
although  the  war  may  be  just  as  it  respects  the  enemy, 
yet  inasmuch  as  it  is  impossible  to  obtain  redress  in  the 
way  we  are  seeking  it,  war  could  not  be  expedient,  and 
if  not  expedient,  it  is  certainly  unjust,  as  it  respects  our- 
selves. If  the  balance  of  human  evil  produced  by 
this  war  is  likely  to  be  against  us, — if  sacrifices  are 
required  of  us  without  any  prospect  of  an  equiva- 
lent, it  becomes  us  even  now  to  pause.  It  was  the  du- 
ty of  our  rulers  before  they  made  us  a  party  to  this 
conflict  to  enquire,  how  far  an  impartial  course  of  con- 
duct between  France  and  England  would  have  prevent- 
ed many  injuries,  which  we  complain  of  having  re- 
ceived from  the  latter  power.  Our  administration  ea- 
sily made  the  people  believe  that  our  poor  Sailors  suf- 
fered no  serious  evil  by  being  plundered  and  immured 
in  the  dungeons  of  Bonaparte,  after  having  their  ships 
burnt  and  themselves  stripped  of  every  necessary  of 
Life.  Nature  speaks  out  and  tells  us  that  the  miseries 
of  a  dungeon  are  the  same  whether  on  land  or  water, 


$8 

that  slavery  is  odious  however  disguised.  After  our 
Administration  had  thus  succeeded  in  hardening  the 
hearts  of  their  supporters  against  the  miseries  of  their 
countrymen  in  one  instance,  it  is  demanding  too  much 
of  them  to  endeavour  to  excite  any  tiling  more  than 
nominal  sympathy  by  bailing  out  *  Free  trade  and 
Sailor's  rights." 

The  family  Divan  having  again  assembled,  the  unity 
and  indivisibility  of  Uncle  Sam's  rights,  came  once  more 
Mnder  notice.  The  lucky  thought  was  suggested  by  old 
Owen  (A  rat  of  great  age  and  still  greater  roguery  who 
had  gnawed  into  the  cabinet  to  keep  the  bows  and  ar- 
rows in  order)  that  it  might  be  proper  now,  since  our 
friend  Nap  had  been  unfortunate,  to  lower  our  tone  and 
soften  down  our  demand.  The  Chief  Steward  and  his 
first  Clerk  opposed  an  immediate  abandonment  of  a 
single  claim  on  this  account,  "  inasmuch  as"  said  he, 
«  Tom  Boston  has  always  charged  us  with  having  a  se- 
cret understanding  with  Nap,  and  if  we  should  fall  in 
our  demands,  the  moment  we  see  our  friend  in  distress, 
that  circumstance  alone  would  go  very  far  to  prove  the 
charge  that  has  been  made  against  us.  It  is  no  way 
certain  that  our  friend,  the  Champion  of  the  rights  of 
man,  has  utterly  fallen  ;  but  it  is  true  he  has  received 
a  most  sorrowful  drubbing.  He  may  yet  recover  his 
strength.  But  if  I  knew  that  he  would  never  be  able 
to  make  another  effort,  for  the  reasons  already  given, 
we  could  not  at  present  abate  a  single  claim.  We  must 
war  at  least  one  year  after  all  hope  of  assistance  from 
our  Corsican  friend  is  forever  gone,  to  save  appearan- 
ces ;  to  make  Uncle  Sam  believe,  in  case  Nap  falls, 
that  we  never  had  any  connection  with  him.  But  in  the 
of  his  success,  we  shall  be  able  to  secure  all  the 


89 

objects  we  are  contending  for,  in  which  case  we  shall 
have  no  occasion  to  be  troubled  about  the  charge  of 
foreign  influence.  Another  consideration  was  of  some 
importance.  Nap  had  always  been  our  friend  and  good 
policy  forbids  us  to  cast  him  off  until  all  prospect  of  his 
being  further  useful  to  us  lias  entirely  vanished."  Old 
Owen  replied.  He  said  he  had  never  had  any  very 
high  opinion  of  Nap's  friendship.  He  thought  he  had 
not  treated  us  with  much  delicacy  in  issuing  his  revo- 
cation of  his  Decress  against  our  commerce  so  long  af- 
ter  he  had  flattered  us  to  declare  them  void  by  procla- 
mation. This  measure  tended  very  much  to  make  us 
ridiculous  in  the  eyes  of  the  world.  The  matter,  said 
he,  stands  exactly  thus : — 

On  the  faith  of  a  plausible  French  story,  >ve  boldly 
>tep  forward  and  repeal  our  non-intercourse  as  it  re- 
-pects  France,  and  declare  his  Decrees  which  were  the 
cause  of  it,  void  at  the  same  time.  The  cause  \ve  took 
for  granted,  the  effect  we  made  absolute.  But  upon 
what  basis,  upon  what  foundation  did  we  so  hastily  ad- 
venture on  this  important  measure  ?  Why  upon  a  mere 
French  presumption,  that  we  should  cause  our  flag  to 
be  respected  by  the  enemy,  i.  e.  England.  This  previ- 
ous condition  we  were  in  no  capacity  to  fulfil,  vet  we 
boldly  came  forward  and  assumed  the  non-efficacy  of 
the  obnoxious  Decrees  on  our  commerce,  and  seized  the 
good  will  of  our  crafty  ally  by  the  foretop.  We  made 
an  unconditional  repeal  of  our  non-intercourse  law. 
which  repeal  was  based  on  a  contingent  and  subsequent 
event  which  might  or  might  not  take  place.  Now  what 
does  our  noble  ally  ?  Why  "after  he  learns  that  war  was 
determined  on,  eighteen  months  after  date  of  our  procla- 
mation, lie  comes  forward  and  declares  his  decrees  re- 
9 


150 

voked.  To  oblige  us  very  much,  ami  help  us  out  of  the 
mud,  he  antedates  it  one  year  j  but  to  show  us  that  this 
was  an  act  of  pure  grace,  or  favor  in  him,  he  archly 
leaves  us  six  months  in  the  vocative.  As  if  he  h;;d  said; 
u  Gentlemen  you  are  chargeable  with  just  eighteen 
months  of  folly,  I  generously  wipe  away  twelve  of  it, 
leaving  you  to  get  rid  of  the  other  third  part  as  you 
can:  But" — At  this  instant  Sangrado  came  in  and  the 
Chief  Steward  immediately  silenced  the  speaker,  by 
demanding  what  news  from  Uncle  Sam — What  was  his 
pulse  for  war  ?  Whether  he  thought  he  would  take  the 
field  in  earnest  ?  The  Squire  replied  that  his  honored 
Knight  had  as  true  a  heart  as  ever  was  hooped  with  ribs, 
and  he  thought  something  of  a  military  turn ;  but  he 
was  very  whimsical  at  times.  I  once  said  he  had  him 
fairly  mounted  on  his  Colt,  but  he  unluckily  pulled  only 
on  one  rein  of  the  bridle,  which  turned  his  Rozinante 
up  against  a  wall,  from  which  nothing  could  start  him. 
The  Knight  dismounted,  gave  him  a  hearty  cursing  and 
called  for  a  single  horse-waggon,  put  on  his  new  five 
hundred  dollar  Coat,  and  rode  about  to  see  the  troops. 
But  you  must  know  gentlemen,  that  mine  Uncle  has 
some  odd  notions,  for  let  him  encamp  where  he  will,  he 
will  suffer  his  troops  to  lodge  under  no  tent  poles,  but 
such  as  are  brought  from  Pittsburg,  nor  use  any  vinegar 
or  molasses  but  what  is  transported  from  Boston.  He 
has  become  very  talkative  of  late,  says  a  great  deal  about 
the  justice  of  the  war,  the  tyranny  of  Bull,  and  the  glory 
that  will  be  acquired  in  conquering  the  liberty  of  the 
seas,  by  taking  Canada,  and^  always  when  I  imagine  I 
have  him  piping  hot  for  the  battle,  I  am  momently  ex- 
pecting him  to  take  up  his  line  of  march,  some  unlucky 
story  pops  into  his  mind,  which  must  be  told  before  he 


9 1 

can  start.  Oa  a  late  occasion,  when  an  important  bat- 
tle had  already  commenced,  when  indeed  nothing  but 
his  agency  was  waiting  to  secure  the  fruits  of  victory, 
the  old  blockhead,  was  earnestly  engaged  in  discussing 
a  Constitutional  question,  constructing  a  paper  breast 
»vork  before  his  kitchen  door,  and  examining  the  merits 
of  a  new  receipt  for  destroying  lice  on  calves.  No  man 
ever  spoke  better,  and  to  tell  the  plain  truth,  few  ever 
acted  worse.  I  have  given  him  a  regular  course  of  lee- 
tares  on  the  morality,  the  justice  and  expediency  of  the 
war,  and  what  effect  do  you  think  it  has  had  on  him  ? 
Why  he  says  our  cause  is  so  just  and  righteous,  that  we 
have  nothing  to  do  but  wait  the  interposition  of  Provi- 
dence— that  the  taking  of  Canada  is  a  mere  trifling  job, 
like  dressing  out  a  Cabbage  yard  before  breakfast — it 
can  be  done  at  any  time.  The  Chief  Steward  shook 
his  head,  threw  off  a  bladder  of  wind  from  his  stomach, 
rose  up  and  left  the  room. 

Now  reader  I  think  it  more  than  probable,  that  we 
ttiay  have  the  next  Chapter  from  the  pen  of  Uncle 
Zachary,  for  I  have  just  observed  him  trimming  his  quill 
and  looking  very  thoughtful.  He  remarked  of  late  in  a 
surly  manner,  that  I  would  not  finish  a  history  in  an  age. 
We  shall  I  fancy  have  a  rapid  relation  of  events,  neatly 
condensed  in  his  best  Hebrew  manner. 


CHAPTER  \ 

VNCLE   ZACHARV'S  CHRONICLE  OF  THE  WAR  IN  THE  NO1O".  v 

THE    WEST     AND     THE     SOOTH AND    WHILE     RELATING 

THESE     MARVELLOUS    DEED:?,     HE     .MAKETH     MANY    WIST- 
REFLECTIONS. 

1.  AND  in  those  days,  as  soon  as  it  was  seen  that  there 
would  be  war  between  Samuel  and  John,  behold  there 
came  from  divers  parts  of  the  Country,  many  mighty 
men  of  valor,  unto  the  Chief  Steward  and  coinuu;iicJ 
with  him: 

2.  And   said,  Lo  now  we  will  stand  by  tliee  and 
strengthen  thine  hand,  and  encourage  thine  heart  that  it 
faint  not.     Therefore  make  us  Captains  of  thousands, 
and  Captains  of  hundreds,  and  of  fifties,  and  give  us 
wages,  and  we  will  subdue  thine  enemies  before  thee. 

3.  And  the  Chief  Steward  hearke:od  unto  them  and 
did  so.  And  there  were  Captains  of  thousand?,  and 

Captains  of  hundreds,  and  of  fifties,  and  of none  at 

all'}  even  a  multitude,  so  that  they  that  drew  the  sword 

were  more  than  they  that  drew  the  bow. 

4.  Now  of  those  that  were  made  captains  of  hosts, 
or  chief  captains,  there  were  Henry  and  William  Hen- 
ry and  Jacob  and  Alexander,  who  warred  in  the  North 
and  in  the  West  of  the  lands  of  Samuel.     And  in  the 
South  there  were  Andrew  and  James  and  Samuel. 

5.  And  besides  these  there  were  many  Captains  who 
appertained  to  the  several  tribes  of  Samuel,  who  drew 
the  sword  in  defence  of  their  own  borders. 


93 

6.  Now  it  came  pass  that  in  the  first  year  ef  the  war 
that  Henry  prepared  himself  to  go  out  to  battle,  and  he 
collected  a  great  army,  and  directed  his  course  into  the 
woods  of  Shatt-o-gee,  and  he  marched  over  the  wilder- 
ness, and  the  very  shadows  of  the  sons  of  Cain  fled  be- 
lore  him. 

7.  And  inasmuch  as  no  enemy  appeared  to  contend 
with,  he  found  in  a  block  house,  the  body  of  a  dead 
wampum,  and  he  warred  against  it  and  burnt  it. 

8.  After  this  he  returned  with  his  army  to  Greenbtish, 
ibr  it  was  winter. 

9.  Moreover  it  came  to  pass  in  the  second  year  oi 
the  war  that  Henry  warred  u gainst  the  sons  of  Bui!  .  ml 
he  passed  over  the  great  water  which  divides  the  land 
of  Samuel  from  the  land  of  Bull,  and  besieged  a  dofenc.- 
ed  city  called  Little  York,  and  took  it. 

10.  Albeit,  many  brave  and  valiant  men  fell  of  the 
army  of  Samuel,  and  among  those  who  were  greatly 
lamented  was  Zcbulon,  the  armor  bearer  of  Henry. 

11.  Now  this  came  to  pass  on  the  twenty-eighth  day 
o*"  the  fourth  month.     And  there  was  much  blood  shed 
on  both  sides,  and  many  lives  were  lost  by  the  blowing 
up  of  the  ground  whereon  the  men  stood. 

12.  And  many  prisoners  were  made  by  Henry,  and 
he  possessed  the  city  and  a  portion  of  tlie  Country  round 
about.     Yet  all  this  did  not  finish  the  war. 

13.  And  it  fell  out  on  the  first  month  of  the  same 
year  that  the  sons  of  Samuel  lay  encamped  in  the  wil- 
derness, at  a  place  called  French-town,  and  the  sons  of 
Bull  and  the  children  of  Cain  came  upon  them,  a  great 
multitude,  and  smote  them  with  great  slaughter.     Not- 
withstanding the  sons  of  Samuel  fought  valiantly  and 
killed  many  of  their  enemies. 

9* 


94 

14.  On  that  day  many  of  the  warriors  of  Samuel  iebi 
into  the  hands  of  the  Bullitcs,  among  whom  was  Jamet 
the  Captain  of  the  host  of  Samuel. 

15.  But  the  Chief  Captain  of  the  host  of  Bull  behaved 
very  vilely,  inasmuch  as  he  promised  to  save  all  the 
prisoners  alive,  whereas  the  sons  of  Cain  fell  upon  them 
and  killed  many ;  wherefore  he  got  unto  himself  great 
shame.     And  the  Chief  Captain's  name  was  Proctor. 

16.  And  it  came  to  pass  on  the  twelfth  day  of  the 
fifth  month  of  the  same  year,  that  a  host  of  the  sons  of 
Samuel  were  placed  in  a  garrison  in  the  wilderness;,  at  a 
place  called  fort  Meigs.  and  they  were  commanded  by 
Wi'vain  Henry. 

1".  And  this  same  Proctor  came  upon  them  with  a 
great  band  of  the  sons  of  Bull  and  the  children  of  Cain, 
even  a  multitude,  and  being  exceedingly  puffed  up  with 
pride,  this  son  of  Belial  spake  great  swelling  words 
against  William  Henry,  like  Rabshakeh  of  old,  and  de- 
manded thai  he  should  give  up  the  fort ;  therefore  he 
spake  from  the  pride  of  his  heart  and  said  «  give  up  that 
ye  may  save  yourselves  alive." 

18.  And  William  Henry  answered  and  said,  I  will  not 
give  it  into  thy  hands.     If  thou  take  it  by  the  sword, 
Bull  ihy  muster  will  honor  thee ;  but  if  I  give  it  tliee 
through  fear,  he  will  have  thee  in  little  esteem. 

19.  And  this  son  of  Belial  besieged  the  fort,  and 
William  Henry  came  out  against  him  with  chosen  men, 
even  the  Kentuckyites  and  the  Ohioites,  and  the  warri- 
ors of  Bull,  and  the  sons  of  Cain  were  cut  down  before 
Jhem  and  slaughtered  :  and  they  fled  into  the  wilderness 
in  such  haste  that  they  left  their  stuff  behind.     And 
William  Henry  returned  from  the  slaughter. 


95 

"20.  After  this  the  sons  of  Cain  said  unto  Rabshakaii 
forasmuch  as  Samuel  hath  discomfitted  thee,  we  will 
forsake  thee  ;  (for  the  children  of  Cain  be  a  treacherous 
and  deceitful  people.)  and  they  deserted  him,  a  great 
number. 

21.  And  the  children  of  Cain  chode  with  Rabshakeh 
•and  said.    Thou  hast  deceived  us ;  forasmuch  as  thou  ba- 
dest  us  bring  our  wives  and  our  little  ones  unto  this  place 
and  spake  strong  words,  that  thou  wouldst  not  fly  before 
the  Host  of  Samuel.     But  now  thou  hast  fled ;  "  thou 
art  even  as  a  fat  animal  which  carries  its  tail  on  its  back 
for  pride,  when  no  danger  is  near ;  but  if  only  a  leaf  fall 
it  droppeth  its  tail  between  its  legs  and  is  gone."*    And 
Rabshakeh  dropped  down  his  eye  lids  and  was  ashamed. 

22.  Moreover  it  came  to  pass  on  the  twenty  and  se- 
venth day  of  the  same  month,  that  Henry,  the  Chief 
Captain  of  all  the  hosts  of  Samuel,  warred  against  Fort 
George  and  took  it.    And- Henry  slew  ninety  of  the  sons 
of  John  on  that  day,  axid  of  the  sons  of  Samuel,  there 
were  killed  seventeen. 

23.  And  Henry's  armor  bearers  were  John  and  Mor- 
gan, Peter  the  fisherman  ai:d  others.     And  they  took 
from  the  sons  of  Bull  on  that  day  an  hundred  captives. 
Nevertheless  an  end  was  not  yet  made  to  the  Avar. 

24.  In  all  these  matters  Henry  was  much  helped  by 
Isaac  the  waterman,  for  with  his  boats  he  encountered 
the  boats  of  Bull  and  put  them  to  flight.     Moreover  also 
he  wrought  cunningly,  and  carried  over  the  great  waters 
the  bands  of  Henry,  so  that  Henry  spake  of  him  to  the 
Chief  Steward. 

25.  And  about  this  time  Morgan,  surnamed  Le-wfss, 
wrote  a  long,  letter  to  the  Chief  scribe  of  Samuel,  and 

•  See  speech  of  Tecumeeh  to  Gen.  Proctor. 


96 

the  whole  matter  of  it  was,  that  he  sent  forty  men  t« 
help  Isaac,  and  that  they  all  returned  safely  to  their 
tents. 

26.  And  it  fell  out,  on  the  twenty-eighth  day  of  the 
same  month,  even  the  fifth  month,  that  the  hosts  of  Ball, 
a  great  multitude  passed  over  the  great  waters,  in  their 
boats  to  war  against  the  men  of  Samuel,  who  were  cu- 
camped  on  the  borders  of  the  great  Lake,  even  at  Sack- 
et's  Harbor. 

27.  As  soon  as  the  sun  was  up,  the  hosts  of  John  fell 
upon  the  city,  and  upon  the  sous  of  Samuel  unawares 
and  drove  them.     Albeit  many  of  the  Samuelites  who 
were  unused  to  war,  (of  the  tribe  of  Dan)  were  dismay- 
ed and  fled. 

28.  And  for  a  time  the  children  of  Samuel  fled  before 
their  enemies.     But  Jacob  the  Chief  Captain  came  up, 
and  encouraged  them,  and  said  why  should  ye  fear  ? 
And  he  fell  upon  the  Bullitcs  and  they  were  smitten  with 
the  edge  of  the  sword,  and  taken  with  great  fear. 

29.  And  the  Chief  Captain  of  the  enemy  was  George, 
and  he  was  of  the  King's  household.     And  he  fled  with 
great  trembling  to  the  boats,  and  in  much  haste  got  him 
back,  he  and  his  men  to  their  own  country. 

30.  It  falleth  out  by  some  means,  that  there  is  great 
pride  in  the  heart  of  the  sous  of  men. 

31.  Now  the  man  Proctor,  the  son  of  Belial  of  whom 
we  have  spoken,  had  his  evil  heart  stirred  within  him 
again  to  vex  the  sons  of  Samuel.     And  as  his  manner 
was  he  assembled  again  the  wicked  sons  of  Cain,  and 
devised  mischief  against  a  small  band  of  Samuelftes 
which  lay  at  Lower  Sandusky. 

32.  Now  the  Chief  Captain  of  this  little  band  was  a 
young  Man,  of  the  age  of  twenty  and  one  years,  and  his 


name  was  Croghau.     And  be  was  a  Captain  over  hun- 
dreds. 

33.  On  the  first  day  of  the  week,  on  the  first  day  of 
the  eight  month,  came  Rabshakeh  before  the  Fort  Ste- 
phenson,  ana  with  great  swelling  words  said.  Give  up 
and  save  yourselves  alive,  for  I  have  eight  hundred  men 
in  mine  host. 

34.  And  the  Cbjef  Captain  answered  and  said,  I  will 
not  give  up,  but  thou  mayest  take  it  if  thou  canst.     So 
he  warred  against  it,  but  he  was  discomfitted  with  great 
slaughter.     Albeit  the  Captain  of  the  host  of  Samuel 
bad  with  him  an  hundred  and  three  score  men.     And 
he  destroyed  of  the  band  of  Rabslmkeh  four  score  and 
three  men.     And  Rabshakeh  left  his  stuff  behind  him 
and  fled  to  the  wilderness  with  great  shame. 

35.  The  hearts  of  the  sons  of  Bull  were  fully  set  ia 
ihem  to  do  evil.     For  on  the  fourteenth  day  of  the  sixth 
month,  they  came  to  one  of  the  towns  in  the  tribe  of 
Dan  and  burned  it.     Whereby  many  of  the  inhabitants 
were  reduced  to  distress,  and  forasmuch  as  the  customs 
of  war  do  not  permit  this  violence,  it  became  a  reproach 
unto  the  Bullites  unto  this  day.     And  the  name  of  the 
town  was  Sodus. 

36.  Moreover  Isaac,  the  waterman,  took  with  him 
chosen  men  and  went  over  to  the  land  of  Bull,  on  the 
thirty-first  day  of  the  seventh  month,  and  ran  into  the 
harbor  of  York,  and  took  from  them  many  Mules  bur- 
den of  the  flesh  of  kine  and  of  the  flour  of  wheat,  and 
destroyed  it.     For  Isaac  feared  not  the  face  of  danger. 

37.  Now  Bull  had  sent  many  ships  over  the  great 
waters,  and  they  came  near  to  the  south  country  even 
into  the  Bay  of  Chesapeake.     And  they  fell  on  the  cle- 


ie:iceless  inhabitants  and  committed  many  abomum> 
dons,  at  a  place  called  Hampton. 

~8.  Also  in  the  multitude  of  their  evil  doings,  they 
entered  a  Synagogue  and  carried  away  the  vessels  of  the 
sanctuary.  And  for  all  these  iniquities,  the  reproach 
will  not  be  wiped  away  while  the  Sun  sliineth. 

39.  Moreover  in  the  Western  Country  towards  th« 
going  down  of  the  Sun,  one  of  the  Chief  men  of  the 
host  of  Bull,  slew  one  of  the  children  of  Samuel  in  cold 
blood.     And  the  man  that  was  slain,  was  wounded  and 
defenceless  and  asked  for  his  life. 

40.  Howbeit  foolishness  prevailed  in  ihe  counsels  of 
Samuel,  for  he  was  madly  set  on  warring  against  John, 
meanwhile  he  provided  not  for  the  defence  of  his  own 
borders.     And  he  clave  to  his  lolly  aiul  would  not  let  it 
go. 

41.  Now  it  caine  to  pass  that  Samuel  sent  the  valiant 
William  Henry  into  the  country  of  Bui!,  and  lie  varred 
and  took  Maiden-     And  Rabshakeh  and  his  wampums 
fled  before  him,  and  it  was  on  the  twenty  and  third  day 
of  the  ninth  month. 

42-.  Moreover  in  the  beginning  of  the  tenth  month, 
which  is  called  October,  William  pursued  after  this  sou 
of  Belial  and  csme  up  with  him  and  smote  his  bands  and 
put  them  to  flight. 

43.  And  of  the  Bullites,  some  were  killed,  and  more 
than  six  hundred  did  William  carry  away  captive.    And 
the  man  Proctor  fled,  and  left  all  his  stuff,  even  all  his 
armor,  and  his  stores  wherewith  he  made  war,  which 
William  carried  off,  and  the  price  of  it  was  counted  at 
tea  hundred  thousand  pieces  of  Silver. 

44.  And  in  those  days  the  children  of  Cain  were  trou- 
blesome and  multiplied  their  evil  doingc.     For  in,  the 


99 

Southern  Country  near  the  Mobile  at  a  place  called 
Fensaw  they  came  unawares  on  the  children  of  Samuel 
and  smote  them,  men,  women  and  children,  one  hundred 
and  three  score  souls. 

45.  Now  ahont  the  first  day  of  the  eleventh  month 
Samuel  reasoned  thus  with  himself,  Lo  the  season  is  far 
passed  and  we  have  done  little,  and  this  is  now  the  second 
year  of  the  war:  I  will  send  now  my  oldest  armor  bearer, 
and  he  shall  take  with  him  an  exceeding  great  army, 
and   he   shall   subdue  the   country  before  him.     And 
Samuel  counselled  with  his  chief  men,  and  they  said, 
Thou  shall  do  it. 

46.  Therefore  called  he  Jaccobeus  the  smoker  for  he 
said  he  shall  utterly  smoke  him  from  his  hiding  places. 
And  he  made  him  Captain  over  thousands. 

47.  He  called  also  Waytl  the  Tanner,  for  he  said  he 
shell  thoroughly  tan  the  hide  of  Bull,  and  take  off  his 
hair.  «. 

48.  And  Jaccobeus  the  Smoker  took  his  Journey  from 
Sacket?s  harbor,  and  passed  down  the  great  river,  even 
the  river  St.  Lawrence.     And  Samuel  said  unto  him  ye 
shall  halt  at  the  French  mills,  and  there  shall  ye  meet 
Wayd  and  ye  shall  unite  your  men,  and  ye  shall  go 
down  and  take  Montreal,  which  standeth  on  an  island 
in  the  great  river  St.  Lawrence.     And  he  journeyed  for- 
ward. 

49.  And  the  Bullites  and  the  Cainites  followed  in  the 
rear  of  Jaccobeus  and  caused  him  great  evil.     And 
when  he  cr.me  to  the  place  appointed,  behold  Wayd  was 
not  there;  but  had  returned  back  again.     So  Jaccobeus 
turned  him  about  and  fought  the  enemy  many  days  and 
lost  many  of  his  men. 

50.  And  with  great  loss  and  damage  he  came  again 
to  Sackets  harbor. 


100 

A 

51.  Now  Samuel  spake  unto  Wayd  on  this  wise:  Co 
thou  from  Plattsburgh  and  pass  through  the  wilderness 
of  Shatt-o-gee  and  meet  Jaccobeus,  and  lie  journeyed 
forwards  one  day's  journey,  and  pitched  his  camp  in  the 
wilderness.     And  he  remained  there  three  days,  and 
turned  back  again.     Albeit  his  heart  was  not  in  the  mat- 
ter, for  he  did  not  love  Jaccobeus  aforetime. 

52.  And  Samuel  was  wroth  and  chode  with  them, 
saying,  Ye  are  like  unto  froward  children.     Have  ye 
done  wisely  to  prefer  your  own  foolish  passions  to  mine 
interest  ?    Wot  ye  not  that  I  have  made  you  great  and 
honorable  ?  Wherefore  then  have  ye  neglected  to  obey 
my  commands  ?        tt» 

53.  And  the  Tanner,  rose  up  and  was  wroth  and  went 
unto  his  own  home.     Nevertheless  Jaccobeus  abode  in 
the  field  yet  awhile ;  for  he  said  as  mine  honor  liveth,  I 
will  be  tried  by  a  council  of  war,  according  to  the  cus- 
tom in  such  cases. 

54.  And  a  council  of  mighty  men  was  called  to  exa- 
mine the  conduct  of  Jaccobeus.     And  there  stood  up  a 
certain  Lawyer  named  Corkscrew,  and  said  unto  Samuel, 
Lo  now  I  will  speak  in  the  ear  of  all  these,  against  Jac- 
cobeus, as  I  did  against  William  aforetime,  and  thy  coun- 
sel against  Jaccobeus  shall  stand ;  and  thou  shalt  give 
me  two  thosand  piecies  of  Silver. 

55.  And  Samuel  said  unto  h«m  am  I  a  King  or  a  Na- 
bob, that  my  shoes  should  be  cleaned  with  a  silver  brush  ? 
And  he  thrust  him  aside. 

56.  Nevertheless  the  counsel  said  unto  Jaccobeus, 
take  again  thy  sword,  for  thou  art  not  to  blame.     So  an 
end  was  made  of  the  matter. 

57.  Howbeit  the  foolish  counsels  of  Samuel  were  in 
f-ault  j  for  his  counsels  were  at  variance.    For  John,  a 


sou  «i  perdition,  lnul  the  charge  of  all  the  armour,  and 
he  was  wise  to  work  all  manner  of  evil.  And  he  pro- 
vided tents  for  those  that  drew  the  sword.  And  lie  was 
jealous  with  an  evil  eye  over  the  Smoker  and  the  Tan- 
ner. And  he  said  within  himself,  I  will  confound  their 
purposes  and  they  shall  come  to  shame. 

58.  Howbeit  Samuel  clave  unto  this  same  evil  worker. 
For  the  foolishness  of  Samuel,  though  he  were  brayed 
in  a  mortar  would  not  depart  from  him.  For  although 
he  had  many  Chief  Captains,  yet  would  they  not  obey 
rach  other.  As  if  the  hairs  of  Wild  Asses  tails  should 
rebel  and  say  each  one,  am  I  not  an  equal  part  of  the 
•  nil  ? 

59.  In  those  days  there  \vas  war  in  the  Southern 
oountiy,  where  the  Sun  beateth  down  in  a  more  direcl 
line  upon  the  earth,  whence  it  cometh  to  pass  that  uc\- 
iher  man  nor  beast  is  straitened  by  means  of  cokl. 

60.  And  tiiis  war  was  made  in  the  winter  season,  and 
after  the  ingathering  of  summer  fruits.     And  Andrew, 
a  true  man  was  placed  over  it  ;  and  he  warred  against ,-; 
powerful  nation  of  the  sons  of  Cain,  and  he  drave  them 
and  smote  them  with  the  edge  of  the  sword,  and  burnt 
up  their  dwellings. 

61.  And  Andrew  was  holpen  in  this  matter  by  James 
surnamed  White ;  by  John  snrnamcd  Coffee,  and  by 
Jobji  surnamed  Floyd, besides  many  others,  all  true  men. 
i)i  whom  Samuel  had  confidence. 

62-  And  now  it  came  to  pass  that  in  the  third  year 
of  the  war,  that  Samuel  sent  forth  an  host  against  the 
country  of  Bull  to  war  against  it  *yid  take  it ;  and  he  put 
over  it  Jacob  as  Chief  Captain,  for  Samuel  truly  said  of 
him,  he  knoweth  the  times  and  the  seasons,  and  he  fear- 
eth  no  danger. 

10 


102 

03.  On  the  second  day  of  the  seventh  month  did  Jacob 
pass  over  the  great  waters,  and  on  the  day  following  he 
took  the  garrison  at  fort  Erie.  The  day  following  which 
was  the  fourth  day  of  the  same  month,  Jacob  with  his 
host  turned  toward  Chippewa. 

64.  And  Jacob  came  to  Chippewa,  and  the  hosts  of 
Bull  were  +here,  and  they  fought,  and  the  destruction  of 
men  was  like  the  felling  of  trees  by  a  tempest,  so  great 
was  the  slaughter;  the  host  of  Samuel  took  unto  them- 
selves the  victory.     And  the  Captains  under  Jacob  that 
wrought  valiantly  on  this  day,  were  Ripley,  and  Scott, 
and  Jessup,  and  Miller.    Albeit  Peter  the  fisherman  was 
there,  but  the  host  under  him  did  not  well,  for  they  show- 
ed themselves  afraid. 

65.  Moreover  on  the  twenty-fifth  day  of  the  same 
month,  Jacob  moved  forward  his  bands,  and  came  to  a 
place  called  Queenstown,  at  which  he  strove  again  with 
the  armies  of  Bull,  and  discomfitted  them  and  put  them 
to  flight.     And  Jacob  had  to  Ins  help  the  same  captains 
as  aforetime,  and  Peter  the  fisherman  with  his  host  did 
valiantly. 

66.  Howbeit  mar»y  on  both  sides  were  smitten  by  the 
edo-e  of  the  sword  on  that  dav,  nor  even  yet  was  there 

O 

made  an  end  of  the  combat. 

67.  Now  it  came  to  pass  that  the  Bullites  gathered 
together  a  great  host  of  men,  and  came  to  make  war 
against  the  Southern  country  which  pertaineth  to  Sam- 
uel.    And  with  their  ships  they  came  up  the  sea  which 
is  called  the  Bay  of  Chesapeake. 

68.  And  they  came  against  the  city  of  Alexandria, 
and  took  it,  aud  carried  off  the  ships  which  were  there- 
in ;  yet  they  spared  the  lives  of  the  people. 


103 

69.  And  they  came  also  against  the  city  of  Washing- 
ton, which  lietli  on  the  river  Potomac.     Now  this  city  is 
the  place  where  the  sons  of  Samuel  are  wont  to  meet 
every  year,  to  deliberate  on,  and  devise  measures  which 
concern  the  whole  people. 

70.  Now  for  many  days  had  the  sons  of  Bull  been 
journeying  up  the  great  river  Potomac,  and  Samuel  had 
\\arning  of  their  approach;  yet  did  he  not  provide  the 
means  whereby  to  defend  the  city. 

71.  Now  in  this  city  were  the  Chief  Steward  and  the 
Chief  Scribe,  and  also  John,  who  had  in  charge  the  ar- 
mor of  Samuel.     And  the  Books,  and  the  Parchments, 
and  the  Chronicles,  aud  the  Laws,  and  whatsoever  Laws 
and  customs  pertained  to  the  children  of  Samuel,  were 
laid  up  in  buildings  in  this  city. 

72.  And  the  sons  of  Bull  were  wroth  that  Samuel  had 
warred  upon  John,  and  their  wrath  was  kindled.     And 
they  came  upon  the  city,  and  the  men  who  were  placed 
for  the  defence  thereof  fled   before  them.     Also  the 
Chief  Steward,  when  he  turned  his  eyes  and  saw  the 
enemy,  his  heart  failed  him,  and  he  lifted  up  his  heels 
and  fled. 

73-  Now  the  eyes  of  the  people  were  upon  the  Chief 
Scribe,  and  upon  John  who  had  the  care  of  the  armour ; 
but  they  said  to  themselves  the  enemy  be  upon  us,  and 
they  also  lifted  up  their  heels  and  fled.  For  each  re- 
membered his  deeds.  And  those  that  saved  themselves 
this  daj-  by  fear,  were  more  than  they  that  saved  them- 
selves bv  their  courage. 

* 

74.  And  the  Bullites  burnt  all  the  public  buildings, 
and  the  books  that  pertained  to  Samuel,  and  all  the 
shipping  and  the  materials  w  herewith  lie  made  war,  they 
carried  off. 


104 

75.  Now  in  this  did  Bull  very  wickedly,  and  showed  a 
very  evil  and  foolish  spirit;  and  for  this  act  of  Bull,  shame 
shall  cover  him  as  a  thick  cloud,  and  dishonor  shall 
cleave  to  him  forever. 

76.  Neither  did  Samuel  wisely,  for  like  Issachar,  he 
bowed  his  back  to  the  burden.     And  all  the  people  cried 
out  against  the  Chief  Captain  of  the  host  of  Samuel. 
Albeit  the  men  who  were  with  him  fled,  and  he  could 
not  restrain  them.     (For  clivers  of  them  were  of  those 
that  aforetime  made  insurrection,  and  committed  mur- 
der, and  Barrabas  also  was  with  then:.) 

77.  Yet  in  all  this  did  not  the  foolishness  of  Siiniud 
depart  from  him  j  but  he  clave  to  the  same  evil  coun- 
sels.    Even  as  a  ravenous  bird  flying  over  the  sen-  fas- 
teneth  his  talons  in  a  great  fish,  so  that  he  is  drawn  un- 
Jer  and  drowned. 

78.  Howbeit  on  that  day,  a  certain  man  named  Joshua, 
of  the  host  of  Samuel,  fought  valiantly,  and  was  wound- 
ed and  taken  captive.     Now  this  came  to  pass  on  the 
twenty-third  day  of  the  eighth  month. 

79.  Moreover  the  sons  of' John  moved  by  the  Prince 
of  Darkness,  came  up  the  great  river  Connecticut,  in 
their  boats,  attacked  Pettapaug,  and  destroyed  much 
shipping  which  was  wont  to  resort  there.     After  doing 
this  mischief,  they  returned  again  to  the  sea,  for  there 
-were  none  to  resist,  save  women  and  children. 

80.  Now  the  man  Thomas  had  the  charge  of  the 
ships  of  Bull  in  the  Eastern  waters.     And  he  said  within 
himself,  I  have  done  valiantly  at  Pettipaug  in  warring 
against  women  and  children.     I  will  even  attack  Ston- 
ington,  then  shall  mine  honor  be  as  the  light  that  shineth, 
for  there  is  none  to  resist. 


105 

81.  Therefore  he  sent  a  messenger  to  the  people  say- 
ing, "  give  up  the  town  into  my  hands  or  I  will  even  burn 
it  to  ashes.     Give  ye  up,  for  it  paineth  mine  heart  to 
bring  distress  on  your  women  and  children.'' 

82.  Howbeit  the  people  hearkened  not  to  Thomas,  so 
that  he  warred  against  them  from  the  water ;  and  it  was 
night  time.     And  the  people  fought  valiantly,  and  had 
Thomas  in  derision.     And  the  people  resisted  Thomas 
from  the  night  watches  even  until  morning,  and  they 
drave  him  from  before  the  town;  and  Thomas  sneaked 
away,  even  as  a  dog  that  is  whipped  droppeth  his  tail 
between  the  two  hinder  posts  of  his  body,  even  so  did 
Thomas. 

83.  Now  it  came  to  pass  on  the  fourteenth  day  of  the 
eighth  month,  that  John  Bull,  with  his  brethren  the  sons 
of  Cain,  came  against  fort  Erie  with  a  great  force  and 
pitched  their  camp  before  it,  and  besieged  it.     And  the 
force  was  under  the  command  of  the  man  Drunnnond. 

84.  And  he  came  against  it  in  the  night  time,  and 
fought  with  great  fury,  and  he  said  unto  his  men,  ye  shall 
not  save  a  man  of  the  sons  of  Samuel  alive. 

85.  But  the  unseen  hand  of  Justice  executed  ven- 
geance on  the  head  of  this  monster,  for  while  he  was 
giving  out  this  inhuman  order,  he  was  slain. 

86.  And  the  sons  of  Samuel  fought  valiantly  and  pre- 
vailed, and  drave  the  enemy,  and  subdued  them  with 

-great  slaughter,  so  that  more  than  four  hundred  of  them 
were  slain.     Afterwards  this  part  of  the  land  had  rest. 

87.  Again  the  sons  of  Bull  appeared  in  the  Southern 
country,  near  whereunto  is  the  city  of  Baltimore,  and 
with  a  great  force  attempted  to  go  towards  the  city. 
But  the  sons  of  Samuel  resisted  and  drove  them,  and 

10* 


killed  their  Chief  Captain  whose  name  was  Ross.     And 
the  enemy  fled  to  his  ships. 

88.  Time  would  fail  us  to  speak  of  all  the  matters 
pertaining  to  this  foolish  and  wicked  war,  wherein  much 
blood  and  treasure  were  wasted  to  no  purpose.     We 
have  now  shewn  how  Samuel  warred  for  more  than  two 
years,  and  so  far  from  taking  away  any  part  of  the  coun- 
try of  Bull,  he  could  not  defend  his  ov.u  borders. 

89.  But  as  it  falleth  out  in  all  human  affairs,  so  more 
especially  in  war,  the  miseries  of  it  cannot  all  be  seen 
at  once ;  nor  even  if  a  single  view  could  be  taken  of  all 
its  calamities,  would  the  mind  of  man  be  able  to  con- 
ceive thereof,  or  to  realize  them. 

90.  As  it  commonly  happens  in  a  private  quarrel,  so 
in  war,  one  act  of  uncommon  wickedness  openeth  the 
door  to  another j  and  the  evil  passions  of  men  are  set 
on  fire. 

91.  An  evil  minded  man,  a  Captain  of  one  of  the 
bands  of  Samuel,  burned  the  town  of  Newark,  in  the 
country  of  Bull  with  fire,  after  driving  out  the  people. 
And  this  he  did  at  the  beginning  of  winter^  by  which 
hundreds  had  not  where  to  lay  their  heads. 

92.  For  this  act  of  violence  Bull  avenged  himself  by 
burning  a  place  called  Buffalo,  in  the  land  of  Samuel. 
Now  neither  of  these  abominations  can  be  excused,  for 
ihey  furthered  not  the  objects  of  the  war,  by  destroying 
the  means  of  carrying  it  on ;  but  only  brought  causeless 
distress  on  the  people. 

93.  Moreover  I  said  in  mine  heart,  that  if  one  man 
were  appointed  to  bear  the  sin  of  a  single  war,  or  evert 
the  burning  of  a  single  city,  these  evils  would  not  SO 
often  come  on  the  children  of  men  : 


107 

94.  Forasmuch  as  there  is  in  the  hearts  of  all,  a  con- 
sciousness of  right  and  wrong,  and  the  hearts  of  most 
men  would  fail  them  for  fear  of  punishment  hereafter. 

95.  But  man's  heart  is  so  deceitful  and  wicked  that  he 
casteth  the  fault  on  his  neighbor  and  saith  within  him- 
self, Behold  am  not  /  guiltless  ?  So  I  saw  that  war  was  a 
sore  rvil  under  the  Sim. 


CHAPTER  XL 

MISTAKEN  NOTIONS  OP  HONOR  CONDEMNED — NAVAL  TRANS- 
ACTIONS  PERRY'S  VICTORY — COMMODORE    ROGERS 

CAPTAIN  PORTER'S  CRUISE  AND  LOSS  OF  THE  ESSEX — 

COMMODORE    CHAUNCEY— CAPTAIN  WARRINGTON PRE- 

VOSt's  EXPEDITION BATTLE  ON  CHAMPLAIN DEFENCE 

OP  NEW  ORLENS. 

So  reader,  as  I  expected,  Uncle  Zachary  has  gath- 
ered all  the  Canadian  Laurels  that  were  left,  and  no- 
thing remains  for  us,  but  either  to  suffer  the  rays  of  a 
schorching  sun  on  our  temples,  or  sailor-like,  take  to 
the  water.  The  old  Rabbin  is  an  excellent  hound  to 
take  the  scent  and  follow  the  track,  as  long  as  he  can 
keep  his  Hebrew  feet  on  Terrafirma,  but,  as  you  must 
have  already  seen,  he  is  no  -water-dog. 

It  belongs  to  the  fidelity  of  history,  alike  to  record 
the  events  which  do  honor  to  the  bravery  of  men,  as 
those  which  would  raise  a  blush  on  the  cheek,  even  of 
infamy.  That  desire  of  distinction,  that  impulse  to 
great  actions,  which  is  among  the  earliest  perceptible 
passions  of  infancy,  which  is  our  companion  through 
life  and  our  solace  even  on  the  confines  of  the  grave, 
is  as  diversified  in  its  appearances,  and  as  capricious  in 

its  results,  as  are  the  objects  by  which  it  is  excited 

The  fame  of  some,  indeed,  appears  wholly  the  effect  of 
accident.  Hence  we  say  "  great  occasions  make  great 
men."  But  for  this  or  that  event,  or  accident,  such  and 
such  a  consequence  would  never  have  happened.  But 


100 

when  carried  away  with  such  purblind  opinions,  we  a-s- 
:e  that  to  which  we  have  no  claim,  we  argue  in  a 
circle,  arid  are  bewildered  in  a  false  and  delusory  hy- 
pothesis- For  on  this  ground,  the  apologists  for  the 
dignity  of  human  nature,  build  their  justification  of  war 
and  of  bloodshed,  and  even  find  an  excuse  for  perpetu- 
al revolution  in  the  affairs  of  men. 

So  these  champions  of  human  equity  assert,  had  it 
not  been  for  the  American  revolulion,  the  name  of 
\Vashington  would  never  been  known  beyond  his  native 
state;  he  might  indeed  have  been  a  good  magistrate? 
an  accurate  surveyor,  a  benevolent  citizen,  &c.  but 
what  of  all  this  ? — Aye  what  of  it  indeed,  if  this  world 
were  governed  by  the  depraved  amtition  of  the  modern 
infidel.  What  of  it  surely,  if  this  world  were  construct- 
ed and  furnished  merely  for  the  sensualist  ;  if  this  life 

be  only  a  glittering  levee,  a  festive  Ball,  and the 

Tomb  only  a  Register's  office  to  signify  its  eternal 
close.  But  if  indeed  this  span  of  existence  be  only  the 
prospectus  of  our  being,  if  indeed  we  are  in  this  life 
mere  recruits  for  immortality !  then  most  assuredly 
we  have  a  clue,  which  unravels  and  explains  the  whole 
mystery  of  our  pilgrimage  here,  and  which  instructs  us 
to  believe  that  the  benevolence  of  Washington  while 
on  earth,  forms  at  this  moment,  the  chief  part  of  that 
celestial  happiness,  which  he  can  derive  from  any  con- 
sciousness of  his  being  while  here  below.  What  if  the 
revolution  had  never  happened  ?  What  if  the  Father 
of  his  country  had  never  been  called  to  lead  conquer- 
ing armies,  or  guide  the  vast  concerns  of  a  grateful  peo- 
ple, and  instead  of  being  destined  to  wear  the  martial 
and  civic  wreaths,  he  had  worn  out  his  life  in  acts  of  so- 
cial bene-volence.  That  benevolence  would  form  the. 


110 

basis  of  his  Heavenly  happiness.  It  wouiu  "be  like,  the 
dew  of  Hermon,  like  the  oil  which  anointed  the  folarcl 
of  the  venerable  priest  of  Israel.  But  do  you  condemn 
the  principles  of  the  revolution  ?  says  our  philosopher. 
By  no  means,  I  regard  it  as  one  of  the  most  beneficient 
dispensations  of  Divine  Providence  in  the  history  of 
man.  But  if  Washington  sought  to  bring  it  about  mere- 
ly for  his  own  aggrandizement,  he  would  be  justly 
chargeable  with  the  guilt  of  sporting  with  the  lives  of 
his  fellow  creatures.  But  he  and  his  patriotic  associ- 
ates had  high  motives.  Principles,  not  men,  were  the 
objects  in  contest,  and  the  smiles  of  Heaven  attended 
their  efforts.  Hence  true  patriotism  is  ever  consistent 
with  Piety.  But  those  that  seek  or  procure  war,  nnder 
whatever  pretence  to  justify  their  former  opinions,  to 
gratify  their  passions,  or  secure  to  themselves,  the  per- 
petuity of  the  emoluments  of  office,  upon  them  shall 
fall  the  guilt  of  all  the  blood  which  has  been  shed  in 
this  unnatural  contest.  By  such  in  their  last  moments, 
the  cries  of  the  widow  shall  be  heard,  the  tears  of  the 
orphan  shall  embitter  their  recollections,  and  the  fre- 
quent Ghost  of  man  a  victim,  shall  walk  before  them. 
We  must  not  however  forget  our  office.  With  that 
conscious  pride  which  forms  the  highest  incentive  to 
noble  actions,  every  friend  of  his  country  rejoiced  at 
the  news  of  the  ever  memorable  victory,  achieved  on 
Lake  Erie,  on  the  10th  of  September,  1813,  by  the  gal- 
lant Perry  and  his  brave  associates.  After  a  well  con- 
tested action  of  more  than  three  hours,  the  Queen  Char- 
lotte and  Detroit  ships  of  war,  and  the  Lady  Prevost, 
schooner,  besides  three  smaller  vessels  fell  into  the 
hands  of  the  Commodore.  The  total  of  guns,  fought  by 
the  British,  was  03,  while  those  on  board  (he  America!! 


in 

fleet  were  but  54.  The  enemy's  force  also  outnumber- 
ed ours  by  100  men.  Captain  Perry's  ship,  the  Law- 
rence was  made  a  wreck  at  the  beginning  of  the  action, 
so  that  he  was  compelled  to  leave  her  and  go  on  board 
the  Niagara.  The  loss  of  the  Americans  was  princi- 
pally on  board  the  Lawrence,  having  22  killed  and  61 
wounded,  so  that  although  she  carried  more  than  a 
third  part  of  the  fleet's  force  of  guns,  she  was  of  no  use 
in  consummating  the  victory.  It  is  due  to  the  brave 
Commodore  to  declare,  that  however  splendid  his  for- 
tune on  this  occasion,  it  did  not  exceed  his  humanity,  the 
image  of  benevolence  was  distinctly  recognised  in  the 
features  of  the  Conqueror.  To  this,  the  unfortunate 
Captain  Barclay  and  his  brave  wounded  tars  testified 
with  tears  of  gratitude.  It.is  thus  that  humanity  is  ever 
the  ally  of  all  that  is  truly  great  in  man  ;  she  sheds  a 
lustre  on  the  fame  of  the  victor,  which  no  other  virtue 
could  bestow. 

Commodore  Rogers,  in  the  Frigate  President,  made 
a  cruise  of  five  months,  traversing  the  great  "highway 
of  nations,"  in  almost  every  direction,  and  after  taking 
and  destroying  many  vessels  of  the  enemy  returned  to 
port  in  the  month  of  September,  181-3.  During  his 
cruise,  the  flag  of  the  union  waved  for  some  time  in  the 
British  channel  and  on  the  coast  of  Norway,  and  al- 
though no  occasion  occurred  to  test  the  superior  valor 
of  his  crew  or  the  skill  and  bravery  of  their  Command- 
er, yet  that  occasion  was  ever  sought,  with  a  diligence 
and  awaited  in  a  state  of  discipline  which  would  have 
ensured  success. 

Commodore  Porter  in  the  Frigate  Essex,  of  44  guns, 
sailed  from  the  Delaware  in  October  1812,  and  ran 
down  the  coast  of  South  America,  visited  Peru,  Lima- 


Guayaquil  and  the  Brazils,  and  finally  accomplished 
the  dangerous  enterprize  of  doubling  Cape  II. 
showed  the  "  Star  spangled  banner"  in  the  Pacific 
Ocean.  In  this  run  he  fell  in  with  and  captured  eight 
of  the  enemy's  ships  of  war,  Letters  of  Marque  and 
Cruizers,  which  infested  those  seas.  On  board  of  these 
and  other  trading  vessels  which  he  captured  he  found 
an  immense  amount  of  property,  consisting  of  specie, 
naval  stores  and  provisions.  Some  of  his  prizes  he 
manned  and  added  to  his  command,  and  at  one  time 
his  fleet  was  formidable  to  the  governors  of  those  prov- 
inces, whose  dispositions  were  not  the  most  friendly  to- 
wards the  United  States. 

In  the  Pacific  Ocean,  he  discovered  and  took  pos- 
session of  the  beautiful  Island  Nooaheevah,  in  the  name 
of  the  United  States,  and  established  a  friendly  inter- 
course with  the  Natives.  Here  he  overhauled  and  re- 
fitted his  ship,  and  having  left  a  Lieutenant  and  21  men, 
he  resumed  his  cruise,  steering  for  the  coast  of  Chili. — 
'Having  understood  that  Commodore  Hilly er,  of  the  Phe- 
be  frigate  was  cruising  for  him  in  those  seas,  he  shap- 
ed his  course  for  Valparaiso,  in  hopes  of  meeting  him. 
In  this  he  was  not  disappointed ;  the  Commodore  short- 
ly appeared  in  the  Phebe  of  58  guns  and  320  men,  ac- 
companied by  the  Cherub  Sloop  of  war  mounting  28 
guns  and  a  complement  of  180  men.  With  this  supe- 
rior force,  Commodore  Porter  lay  for  some  time,  block- 
aded in  Valparaiso,  until  the  28th  of  March  1814,  he 
determined  to  venture  out.  In  this  attempt  a  heavy 
squall  carried  away  his  main  topmast,  when  both  the 
enemy's  ships  instantly  gave  chase.  Finding  escape 
impracticable,  lie  ran  into  a  small  bay  and  prepared 
for  action.  Both  ships  came  up  5  the  Frigate  placing 


nS 

herbeJl'  under  hi*  stern  and  the  Sloo^  ia  in*  bow,  ihe  ac- 
tion commenced  about  4  P.  M.  But  the  enemy  met 
with  so  warm  a  reception  that  in  half  an  hour  both 
ships  were  obliged  to  haul  off  to  repair  damages. — 
They  soon  returned  however  to  the  combat,  when  Com- 
modore Porter,  laid  the  Essex  along  side  the  Pliebe, 
when  the  conflict  became  terrible.  The  Essex  having 
all  her  rigging  shot  away,  every  attempt  to  bring  her 
to  a  position  to  board  the  enemy  was  fruitless,  notwith- 
standing the  utmost  exertions  of  the  Commodore  and 
his  crew  ;  the  enemy  cautiously  avoiding  being  brought 
to  this  decisive  measure.  After  maintaining  the  una- 
vailing conflict  for  two  hours  and  an  half,  he  surrender- 
ed what  was  left  of  the  Essex  to  the  enemy.  Commo- 
dore Hillyer,  although  he  fought  well  on  this  occasion, 
gained  no  laurels.  He  contended  with  a  ship  to  whose 
force,  his  own  was  more  than  double  in  men  and  near- 
ly so  in  guns.  On  the  other  hand  the  Americans  fought 
viith  a  bravery  bordering  on  despair,  and  which  no 
-;iing  could  equal  but  the  navnl  skili,  by  which  every  ef- 
fort was  directed.  Some,  perhaps  will  accuse  Crq 
Porter  of  trespassing  on  the  claims  of  humanity,  in  pro- 
tracting the  conflict  beyond  those  limits  which  the  most 
scrupulous  honor  could  require,  lie  was  not  indeed 
contending  with  a  pirate  from  whom  he  expected  no 
quarters; — the  liberties  of  his  Country  were  n.H  invol- 
ved in  the  issue,  and  had  the  Essex  carried  any  other 
banner  than  that  of  the  American  navv,  we  might  al- 
low this  accusation  very  considerable  weight.  But  the 
Commander  and  his  hardy  tars,  felt  that  they  fought 
beneath  a  flag  that  had  never  been  dishonored  j  while 
contending,  they  remembered  the  victories  of  Truxton, 
Hull,and"Decatur,  and  they  knew  that  no  ordinary  meas- 
11 


114 

ure  of  bravery  would  satisfy  a  country  which  claimed 
these  Heroes  as  its  citizens.  It  is  ever  a  painful  duty 
to  make  valor  a  sacrifice  ;  but  whenever  it  becomes  so. 
the  cheerfulness  of  the  act,  augments  the  value  of  the 
oblation.  In  this  action,  the  Essex  had  58  men  killed, 
and  65  wounded. 

Commodore  Chauncey,  who  in  the  beginning  of  the 
war  was  placed  in  command  of  the  fleet  on  Lake  On- 
tario, with  an  inconsiderable  force,  kept  in  check  the 
superior  power  of  the  enemy  in  that  Lake,  and  by  his 
skill  baffled  all  the  attempts  of  Commodore  Yeo  to 
make  a  descent  on  the  American  coast.  His  fleet  con- 
veyed over  the  troops  under  General  Dearborn,  when 
he  attacked  Little  York,  and  its  guns  covered  the  lan- 
ding of  the  troops.  On  the  5th  of  October,  1813,  he 
fell  in  with  and  captured  five  of  the  enemy's  vessels 
which  were  bound  to  Kingston  with  troops  and  war- 
like stores.  Captain  Chauncey's  command  was  in  ma- 
ny respects,  an  unpleasant  and  difficult  one.  Station- 
ed on  an  inland  sea  with  a  force  always  inferior  to  that 
of  the  enemy,  in  case  of  any  disaster,  that  should  es- 
sentially reduce  his  strength,  the  whole  shore  on  our 
own  side  would  immediately  have  been  exposed  to  the 
invasion  of  the  enemy.  For  his  fleet,  could  be  rein- 
forced in  no  other  way?  than  by  the  tedious  process  oi 
building.  In  this  situation  he  was  placed,  knowing  thcf 
importance  of  a  prudent  course,  which  the  Government 
never  ceased  to  inculcate,  feeling,  at  the  same  time,  the 
dread  of  popular  disquietude  which  was  likely  to  be  en- 
gendered, by  over-heated  expectations  from  the  bril- 
liant successes  of  our  Navy  on  the  Ocean.  His  better 
judgement,  however,  raised  him  above  those  passions, 
and  led  him  to  prefer  the  interest  of  his  country  to  con- 


115 

hiiieratioiis  of  an  inferior  nature.  The  cool  and  now 
unprejudiced  voice  of  his  countrymen,  lias  sanctioned 
his  conduct,  and  America,  already  ranks  him  among 
those  Naval  commanders,  from  whom,  on  any  future 
emergency,  her  highest  expectations  may  be  realized. 

lu  summoning  the  feelings  of  our  countrymen  to  the 
Ocean,  the  natural  theatre  of  their  fame,  the  exercise  of 
gratitude,  and  the  triumph  of  honorable  pride  are  ex- 
cited by  the  gallant  achievements  of  Captain  Warring- 
ton,  of  the  Peacock,  who  captured  the  English  brig  Eper- 
vier,  carrying  18  heavy  guns  and  128  men,  after  an 
action  of  42  minutes.  The  Epervier  had  11  men  killed 
and  15  wounded.  The  Peacock  had  only  two  wounded 
and  those  slightly,  and  received  so  little  injury  as  to  be 
fitted  for  action  in  fifteen  minutes  after  the  encounter- 
The  Epervier  had  54  shot-holes  in  her  hull,  20  of  which 
were  within  a  foot  of  her  water  line,  lost  her  main  top- 
mast, and  had  her  rigging  much  damaged.  This  vessel 
seemed  doomed  to  misfortune.  She  has  since  been 
made  the  maritime  Coffin  of  the  unfortunate  and  gal- 
lant Shabrick  and  his  gallant  crew,  while  returning  from 
the  Mediterranean,  last  season. 

Among  the  events  which  in  a  season  of  war  decide 
the  fortunes  of  a  nation  engaged  in  defending  an  ex- 
tensive coast  and  an  equally  extended  frontier,  it  does 
not  of  leu  occur,  that  either  the  invading,  or  repelling 
power,  places  the  issue  of  the  struggle  at  the  hazard  of 
a  single  trial.  Of  a  different  character,  however,  it 
would  appear  is  the  expedition  which  next  claims  our 
attention.  The  great  revolution  of  affairs  in  Europe, 
which  took  a  decided  character  early  in  the  year  1814, 
placed  a  large  disposable  force  in  the  power  of  the  ene- 
my. This  event,  as  an  auxiliarv  to  the  shameful  mis? 


116 

jgemen*  on  our  own  part,  bad  changed  {lie 
from  an  offensive  to  a  defensive  war.  The  veteran- 
.  jtbc  had  served  in  Spain  and  had  learned  no  other  duty 
than  to  conquer,  were  poured  into  Canada,  and  the  en- 
emy, determined  to  make  an  aUonipt,  in  his  turn,  at  in- 
vnsioi1..  This  force,  14,000  strong,  principally  organ- 
ized at  Montreal,  and  provided  with  cvciy  tiling  neces- 
sary for  the  expedition,  appeared  before  Pittsburgh 
about  the  first  of  September,  under  the  command  of 
Sir  George  Prevosl,  an  ab'e  a 'id  experienced  ofiker. 
General  Macomb  wos  strongly  entrenched  at  Pla tit- 
burgh,  with  about  1500  ruen.  Tlie  enenn  "s  fleet  on 
Lake  Champlain  hove  in  sigh!  in  a  few  day^,  and  it 
appeared  to  be  Ins  plan,  to  have  the  success  of  his  fleet 
first  tried  before  any  very  decisive  measures  were  taken 
by  land.  The  enemy  justly  entertained  high  expecta- 
tions from  this  armament.  It  consisted  of  the  Confi- 
ance  of  39  guns  and  300  men,  Linnet  of  K>  guns.  120 
men,  Growler  and  Eagle,  each  11  guns  and  40  men  ; 
together,  with  13  Gunboats  mounting  18  guns  and  550 
men:  constituting  a  total  of  95  guns  and  1050  men, 
commanded  by  Captain  Downie  an  intelligent  and 
brave  officer.  To  oppose  this  force,  the  Americans 
had  the  Saratoga  26  guns  and  270  meii,  the  Eagle  20 
guns  120  men.  Ticonderoga  17  guns  110  men,  Preble 
7  guns  30  men,  besides  10  Gunboats  mounting  16  guns 
and  carrying  350  men,  making  a  total  of  86  guns,  and 
820  men,  under  the  command  of  Captain  Thomas 
Macdonough.  On  the  llth  September  at  9  o'clock  in 
the  morning,  the  enemy  appeared  and  formed  in  a  line 
about  300  yards  distant  from  the  American  fleet,  his 
ship,  the  Confiance,  being  opposed  to  the  Saratoga, 
the  action  began.  At  half  past  10,  the  Engle,  not 


117 

being  able  to  throw  her  shot  to  effect,  cut  her  cable  and 
anchored  between  the  commodore's  ship  and  the  Ti- 
conderoga,  where  she  soon  made  a  sensible  impression 
on  the  enemy.     The  gallies  and  gunboats  were  all  en- 
gaged. The  guns  on  the  starboard  of  the  Commodore's 
ship,   being  all  dismounted,   a  stern   anchor  was  cast 
out,  the  bower  cable  cut,   when  she  came  about,  and 
poured  a  broad  side  into  the  enemys  ship  which   soon 
after  surrendered.     The  fire  of  the  Saratoga  was  then 
turned  upon  the  brig,  which  surrendered  in  fifteen  min- 
utes after.     The  sloops  winch  opposed  the  Eagle  had 
struck  sometime  before.     The  galiies  all  pulled  off  and 
escaped  excepting  three,  which  were  reported  to  have 
sunk.     According  to  the  Commodore's  letter,  the   ac- 
tion lasted  without  intermission,  two  hour-  ami  twenty 
minutes.     The  Saratoga,   suffered  most,  having  receiv- 
ed the  heavy  fire   of  the  Confiancc  :  of  52  men  killed, 
she  lost  28,  and  out  of  58  wounded  on  board  our  fleet, 
she  had  29.     The  British  lost  84  killed  and  1 10  wound- 
ed, most  of  the  enemy's  shot   passed    through  the  rig- 
ging, and  as  Captain  Macdonough  reports,  there  were 
not  20  whole  hammocks  in  the  nettings  after  the  action. 
The  Saratoga  had  fifty  five  round  shot  in   tier  hull,  the 
Confiance  one  hundred  and  five.     The  fruits  of  this  vic- 
tory were  more  than  four  hundred  prisoners — 11,800 
Ibs.  powder,  85,000  cannon  ball,  6000  muskets,  GOO  suits 
sailors  clothing,  besides  all  the  witter   clothing  of  the 
whole  of  their  land  army.     The  effects  of  this  triumph 
were  more  important  in  determining  the  issue  of  the 
war  than  any  that  had  preceded  it.     Sir  George,   with 
his  whole  army,  stood  anxious  spectators  of  the  actior, 
and  as  soon  as  the  result    was  shown,   instantly  made 
preparations  to  retreat.     This  he  effected  in  a  precipi- 
11* 


118 

tate  manner,  during  the  following  night,  assisted  by  a 
heavy  fog,  which  is  common  at  this  season  in  the  vicini- 
ty of  the  lakes. 

It  is  due  to  General  Macomb  to  state  that  he  display- 
ed great  prudence  and  firmness  in  repelling  the  attacks  of 
a  powerful  force  for  several  successive  clays,  and  in  keep- 
ing the  enemy  ignorant  of  the  sickly  state  of  his  troops, 
and  to  the  forces  under  his  command,  that  they  acted 
on  all  occasions  with  the  most  determined  bravery. 
By  the  hasty  retreat  of  Sir  George,  the  enemy  suffered 
an  immense  loss  in  the  munitions  of  war  which  he  left 
behind  :  vast  quantities  of  provisions  left  and  destroyed, 
bomb  shells,  intrenching  tools,  cannon  ball,  grape  shot, 
ammunition,  flints,  tents  and  marques.  The  loss  of  the 
British  in  the  several  actions  with  the  garrison  amount- 
ed to  368  killed — 494  wounded — 252  prisoners  (taken 
on  the  retreat)  besides  about  800  deserters.  The  loss 
of  the  Americans  was  only  37  killed  and  (32  wounded. 

We  now  return  for  a  moment  to  the  hero  of  Cham- 
plain.  After  the  action,  he  appeared  to  be  almost  the 
only  person,  on  either  side  who  did  not  feel  the  effect 
of  victory;  his  solicitude  for  the  wounded  on  board  his 
O'.vn  and  the  enemy's  fleet,  hushed  every  exulting  im- 
pulse of  the  heart,  arising  from  the  thought  of  having 
bravely  conquered.  lie,  like  the  gallant  Perrv,  proved 
by  Ills  noble  and  generous  conduct,  that  humanity  is  the 
choicest  diamond  that  glitters  in  the  crown  of  the  vic- 
tor. This  is  not  the  language  of  adulation  ; — it  is  a 
representation  of  fact,  but  too  faintly  drawn.  The 
splendor  of  his  own  triumph  was  forgotten  to  give  place 
to  feelings  of  sympathy  for  the  fute  of  the  gallant  Cap- 
tain Downie,  whose  fortune  it  was  to  lose  his  life  with 
the  battle  j  and  his  heart  was  moved  in  humble  grati* 


119 

lude  towards  the  Great  Father  of  mercies,  and  asked, 
why  hast  thou  thus  made  us  to  differ  ? 

In  offering  these  remarks,  it  would  be  invidious  to 
confine  their  application  exclusively  to  the  heroes  of 
Erie  and  Champlain.  The  praise  of  this  exalted  virtue 
is  equally  due  to  every  American  commander,  on  whose 
temples  Neptunian  Mars  has  placed  the  wreath  of  vic- 
tory. 

The  lethargic  indifference  of  the  general  government 
to  measures  of  defence,  invited  the  concentrated  pow- 
ers of  the  enemy  to  another  quarter.  Soon  after  the 
abortive  attack  near  Baltimore,  the  enemy  collected 
his  forces  in  the  Chesapeake,  and  a  considerable  amount 
consisting  of  transports  carrying  about  10,000  troops 
with  several  frigates,  sloops  of  war  and  gun-boats  put 
out  to  sea.  These  were  soon  joined  by  a  reinforce- 
ment from  the  West  Indies.  Notwithstanding  the  great 
notoriety  of  these  movements,  New-Orleans  was  still 
left  in  a  most  defenceless  condition.  At  the  time  that 
the  forces  of  the  enemy  entered  the  Missisippi,  if  the 
reports  of  respectable  citizens  of  New-Orleans  may  be 
credited,  there  was  not  ammunition  enough  in  the  city, 
to  furnish  her  own  militia.  As  soon  as  government 
were  apprised  of  the  intentions  of  the  enemy,  they  gave 
orders  to  the  Governors  of  Kentucky,  Tennessee  and 
Orleans  to  call  out  the  militia  and  direct  their  march  for 
that  city.  General  Andrew  Jackson  was  ordered  to  re- 
pair thither  immediately  and  take  the  command.  If  any 
praise  is  due  to  government  for  selecting  this  officer,  it 
would  be  ungenerous  to  withhold  it,  for  certainty  no 
commander  could  have  been  appointed  who  would  have 
discharged  the  arduous  duty  committed  to  his  manage- 
ment wUU  greater  ability  and  decision.  He  found  a 


120 

very  few  troops  in  the  city  of  any  description,  and 
those  that  came  in  from  the  country  were  mostly  without 
arms,  and  all  without  discipline.  He  had  literally  an 
army  to  manufacture  out  of  the  raw  material.  His 
presence,  however,  inspired  confidence,  and  after  issu- 
ing several  spirited  general  orders  he  brought  the  citi- 
zen-militia to  some  kind  of  subordination.  The  diffi- 
cult navigation  of  the  Missisippi  rendered  the  progress 
of  the  enemy  slow.  About  the  20th  of  December  they 
made  their  appearance  at  a  pass  in  the  river,  called 
the  Rigolets,  when  an  attack  was  made  upon  our  gun- 
boats which  were  taken,  and  dispersed.  The  event 
gave  the  enemy  command  of  Lake  Borgne,  and  ena- 
bled him  to  choose  his  point  of  attack.  On  the  23d  of 
December  the  British  shewed  themselves,  to  the  number 
of  3000  about  six  miles  below  the  city.  General  Jack- 
son met  them  with  a  force  of  1500  men,  and  the  action 
commenced  about  7  o'clock,  P.  M.  General  Coffin  was 
ordered  to  turn  his  right  on  the  river,  while  General 
Jackson  attacked  his  strong  position  on  the  left.  The 
schooner  Caroline,  Commodore  Patterson,  gave  the  sig- 
nal of  attack  from  the  River,  by  firing  into  the  enemy^s 
camp,  when  one  general  onset  was  made  with  such  fury 
that  the  enemy  gave  way  in  every  direction.  General 
Jackson  took  about  60  prisoners  and  remained  all  night 
on  the  field  of  battle.  In  the  morning  he  took  a  strong 
position  about  two  miles  nearer  the  city. 

On  the  8th  of  January  the  British  made  preparations 
for  a  general  attack.  Their  design  appeared  to  be,  to 
storm  the  position  of  General  Jackson  with  two  strong- 
columns,  advancing  on  his  right  and  left.  The  Ameri- 
cans reserved  their  fire  until  the  enemy  approached 
sufficiently  near,  when  they  opened  a  steady,  deliberate 


121 

and  deadly  discharge  of  musketry,  which  cut  down 
their  columns  and  brought  them  to  a  stand.  After 
breasting  their  fire  for  about  an  hour,  the  enemy  retir- 
ed in  confusion.  The  vast  disproportion  of  loss  on  this 
occasion,  will  ever  form  a  theme  of  astonishment  to 
those  who  recollect  that  the  invading  army  was  chiefly 
composed  of  the  veterans  who  had  conquered  in  Spain, 
and  that  they  were  opposed  by  less  than  half  their 
number  of  militia  collected  from  all  parts  of  the 
country,  wholly  undisciplined,  and  unused  to  defending 
breastwork,  and  resisting  a  regular  attack.  The  Bri- 
tish loss  was  killed  700,  wounded  1400,  prisoners  562. 
While  the  Americans  lost  only  15  killed  and  6  wound- 
ed. The  Kentucky  and  Tennessee  riflemen  fought  on 
this  occasion  with  great  bravery.  Accustomed  to  the 
rifle  from  their  infancy,  their  aim  was  deliberate,  se- 
vere, and  deadly.  They  fought  behind  immense  piles 
of  pressed  bales  of  Cotton,  which  effectually  resisted  the 
fire  of  the  enemy.  The  British  lost  on  this  occasion, 
their  commander  in  chief,  General  Packenham,  and 
two  Major  Generals  Kean  and  Gibbs,  who  were  mortal- 
ly wounded.  The  issue  of  this  battle  proved  the  pow- 
er of  the  Americans  to  defend  themselves,  while  it  be- 
trayed the  weakness  and  incapacity  of  our  Cabinet. 
The  government  have  indeed  manifested  some  symp- 
toms of  a  desire  to  take  the  praise  of  it  to  themselves, 
by  endeavoring  to  identify,  the  defence  of  New-Orleans 
and  our  triumph  on  the  water,  with  the  war  itself  and 
calling  it  glorious;  but  they  have  only  partially  suc- 
ceeded ;  and  there  is  much  truth  as  well  as  point  in 
the  remark  of  General  Jackson,  that  «  to  Heaven  and 
our  own  exertions  the  success  is  to  be  ascribed." 


122 

To  Amercians  it  is  a  subject  of  just  exultation  to  re- 
flect that  they  have  yet  many  characters  of  great  pro- 
mise, whose  distinguished  worth  this  war  has  exhibited 
to  view,  how  much  soever  they  may  lament  the  late 
shameful  and  unprofitable  contest  which  called  them 
into  action.  Among  these  they  will  ever  reckon  the 
name  of  JACKSON,  as  pre-eminent  among  those,  who 
have  a  high  claim  on  their  gratitude  for  his  important 
services,  and  so  long  as  he  may  be  spared  to  enjoy  his 
•well  earned  fame,  to  him  may  we  look  with  confidence, 
should  the  cause  of  his  country  again  summon  him  to 
the  post  of  duty. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

REMARKS     OP     THE     HISTORIAN GLOOMY     CONDITION    OF 

UNCLE    SAM'S    AFFAIRS — FAMILY    MEETING RESULT    OP 

THEIR  DELIBERATIONS— TREATY  OF  PEACE WHIMSI- 
CAL CONDUCT  AND  OPINIONS  OF  UNCLE  SAM  RESPECT- 
ING IT THE  ACCOUNT  BALANCED REFLECTIONS  ON 

WASHINGTON'S  AND  JEFFERSON'S  ADMINISTRATIONS — 
ON  OPPOSITION CONCLUSION. 

The  picture  and  the  shade  are  now  before  us-  The 
defence  of  New-Orleans,  noble  indeed  of  itself,  gathers 
fresh  tints  and  graces  by  being  contrasted  with  the 
Washington  Hegira.  At  home,  in  the  midst  of  their 
resources,  cannon,  shot,  tent-poles,  molasses  and  vine- 
gar enough  ;  sufficient  warning  of  the  approach  of  the 
enemy,  wind-catridges  already  made,  proclamations  by 
the  ream  already  printed ;  yet  alas !  the  city  must  be 
abandoned.  The  archives  of  the  nation,  her  public 
buildings,  library,  the  emblems  of  her  sovereignty,  the 
proud  memorials  of  her  many  triumphs,  all,  all  aban- 
doned to  the  gothic  clutches  of  a  rapacious  enemy. 

Of  Jackson  and  his  brave  companions  in  danger,  it 
might  be  said  in  the  words  of  the  poet,  furor  armamin- 
istrat ;  but  of  our  paiidcc  matres  at  the  seat  of  govern- 
ment, we  must  reverse  the  apopthegm  and  say  arma 
ministrabant  furor  ibus  :  the  arms  of  the  enemy  indeed 
furnished  them  with  the  madness  of  fear.  Is  there  an 
American  heart  unwounded  at  the  recollection  !  Or 
have  we  lost  all  distinction  between  virtue  and  vice. 


124 

Has  the  torrent  of  national  disgrace,  that  has  so  copi- 
ously flowed  for  the  last  ten  years,  decompounded  and 
washed  away  that  adamantine  isthmus,  which  separat- 
ed honor  from  infamy  ?  Has  a  repetition  of  the  act  of 
bowing  our  necks,  with  a  sinic  servility,  to  the  burden 
of  sliame,  neutralized  our  feelings  and  blunted  our  per- 
ceptions !  Why  did  not  the  verdant  sod  that  covers  the 
ashes  of  Washington  burst  asunder.  But  no  !  Had  his 
pale  ghost  met  the  shameless  fugitives  with  the  stern 
upbraidings  of  a  seraph,  they  would  have  dodged  re- 
gardless along,  "  let  us  live  to  enjoy  our  offices''  would 
have  been  the  answer.  Thus  ended  the  farce  of  taking 
Canada  in  six  weeks,  of  bringing  the  "  enemy  on  his 
marrow  bones."  So  much  for  paper  courage  and  ter- 
rapin gallantry.  It  must  be  confessed,  that  the  enemy 
had  a  fair  specimen  of  Cabinet  intrepidity — Moles'  eyes, 
wooden-leg's,  leaden  crutches,  when  danger  is  to  be 
sought  for,  but  when  there  is  any  running  to  do,  aye, 
then  we  see  the  speed  of  the  dromedary,  the  wings  of 
the  eagle.  "  Prudence,  said  FalstafF,  is  the  better  part 
of  valor."  So  thought  our  wise  ones — so  acted  our 
valiant  ones.  Even  goose  creek  mars,  the  god  of  war, 
"  sacked  up"  his  dotard  bones  in  a  skin  which  at  times 
had  betrayed  every  sinful  passion  but  sliame,  and  gave 
manly  chace  to  his  valiant  file-leaders.  "  Did  it  burn," 
said  a  tender  mother  to  her  son  when  some  powder 
flashed  in  the  pan  ?  no  madam,  but  it  smells  so  !  smell .' 
yes,  it  shall  smell  to  Europe — to  Lilliput !  to  posterity  ! 
And  how  did  Uncle  Sam,  high-minded  patriot,  relish 
the  conduct  of  his  servants  on  this  occasion  ?  Oh,  he 
accepted  a  Phillippic  from  the  mouth  of  the  Chief  Stew- 
ard, at  the  next  fami.'y  meeting,  as  a  full  atonement  for 
the  desertion  of  his  favorite  city.  A  bladder  of  angry 


125 

wind,  let  off  with  dignified  violence  against  John  BuB, 
was  received  as  full  satisfaction  for  all  that  had  happen- 
ed. And  as  for  the  loss  of  honor,  it  was  agreed  by  all, 
tiiat  the  saving  of  so  many  valuable  lives,  was  an  am- 
pie  equivalent.  The  Avise  and  the  great  ones  congratu- 
lated each  other  that  although  they  had  lost  their  icovd- 
tn,  they  had  saved  their  real  offices. 

f"  One  may  steal  a  horse,  while  another  is  hanged  for 
looking  over  a  hedge."  Count  Scratch-us-off  was  tried 
for  his  life  for  a  far  less  offence  than  giving  up  the  city 
of  Washington  to  pillage  and  flames,  and  received  par- 
don from  the  same  power  that  explained  away  this 
shameful  transaction  with  an  Aphaletical  discharge  of 
wind.  But  now  came  on  the  season  when  the  family 
must  aiain  meet  to  deliberate  on  measures  for  the  gen- 
eral good.  It  was  not,  perhaps,  the  most  pleasant  meet- 
ing that  ever  took  pla*:c.  Her  ladyship  looked  a  little 
s*our ;  before  her  eyes  were  the  ruins  of  her  noble  resi- 
dence ;  her  drawing  room,  where  so  many  fine  plans 
had  been  formed,  was  no  more.  As  this  misfortune,  how- 
ever, had  been  so  much  a  matter  of  her  own  .seeking,  she 
thought  best  to  bear  it  with  the  best  practicable  grace. 

The  Chief  Steward,  the  Chief  Clerk,  Mars  Fugitivus, 
and  Neptumis  Minor,  all  accommodated  themselves  with 
private  lodgings.  We  have  seen  the  prospect  immedi- 
ately before  their  noses :  what  was  it  abroad  ?  Dark 
clouds  on  the  North,  West,  and  East :  The  strong  box 
empty :  the  army  wasted  by  sickness :  our  frontiers 
threatened  in  every  direction.  But,  what  was  worst  of 
all,  our  friend  Nap  in  confinement  on  the  Island  of  El- 
ba. This  "  Wonderful  man,"  as  Mr.  Gerry  once  call- 
ed him,  bound  over  to  his  good  behaviour,  and  his  splen- 
did fortunes  razeed  down  to  the  condition  of  a  private 
12 


120 

citizen.  His  corsairs  could  no  longer  burn  and  destroy 
our  vessels  and  imprison  our  seamen  :  no  longer  drain 
us  of  our  "  surplus  cash,"  which  once  so  vexed  the  phi- 
losophical head  of  the  rnan  of  Monticello.  No  more 
could  our  friend  Nap  give  us  his  advice  with  respect 
to  our  affairs,  which  was  always  the  more  grateful  ^ 
as  it  was  generally  conveyed  in  an  authoritative  style. 
But  it  was  no  time  for  whining ;  a  closet  Conference 
was  called,  at  which  all  the  friends  of  war  were  invited. 
The  first  thing  to  be  done  was  to  fill  up  the  army  and 
make  some  fresh  attempts  at  loans.  The  Chief  Clerk 
having  turned  project-monger,  submitted  a  plan  for  re- 
cruiting, the  substance  of  which  he  had  taken  from  the 
regulations  of  Nap,  and  which  in  the  country  of  its  birth 
was  called  Conscription.  To  give  it  the  cast  of  origi. 
nality,  it  was  thought  best  to  name  it  anew  and  term  it 
Classification.  In  favor  of  it,  it  was  urged  that  some- 
thing must  be  done  immediately  to  keep  up  the  spirits 
of  Uncle  Sam  ;  and  this  method  possessed  many  advan- 
tages over  the  old  plan  for  recruiting  ;  as  it  took  away 
from  the  recruit,  the  troublesome  right  of  free  agency, 
by  which  such  tedious  delay  was  produced.  The  re- 
cruit would  in  this  case  know  at  once  what  .to  do  and 
•would  not  stand  stammering  and  bantering  with  the  re- 
cruiting officer,  until  the  enemy  was  at  our  backs.  This 
project  gained  the  approbation  of  all  present,  and  was 
therefore  ordered  to  lie  on  the  table  that  its  advocates 
might  have  a  little  time  to  lie  it  into  popularity. 

Meanwhile  it  was  thought  best  to  new-vamp  the  old 
system  and  give  it  fresh  vigor,  by  offering  more  bounty 
and  higher  wages,  this  would  keep  the  attention  of  Un- 
cle Sam  from  prying  with  a  mischievous  curiosity  into 
Iris  jnoney  concerns  j  for  it  would  be  an  obvious  pro- 


127 

sumption  that  lie  was  still  rich,  if  he  was  able  to  shake 
his  purse  at  new  expenditures.     Neither  was  the  low 
state  of  the  strong  box  any  objection  to  this  measure, 
for  since  promises  had  become  a  sine  qua  non,  in  all  mo- 
ney concerns,  they  had  so  far  become  the  national  cur- 
rency, as  to  be  the  only  coin  receivable  by  Uncle  Sam's 
creditors.     To  give  greater  facility  to  this  new  project, 
a  most  lucky  thought  catered  the   head  of  some   one, 
which  was  incorporated  with  the  projected  amendment, 
and  which  WAS  no  less  than  to  augment  the  number  of 
candidates  for  enlistments,  by  declaring  boys  and  mi- 
nors of  all  descriptions  whether  in  the  condition  of  pa- 
rental tutelage,  apprentices  or  wards,  eligible  to  the  of- 
fice and  dignity  of  soldiers.     In  support  of  this  meas- 
ure, it  was  agreed  that  those  who  were  of  age  .to  reflect, 
or  had  conic  to  years  of  discretion,  knew  so  much  about 
the  war  and  the  management  of  it,  that  they  were  back- 
ward about  enlisting;  that  to  address  the  mind  of  man 
in  its  most  giddy  and  thoughtless  period,  when  the  brains 
were  unsettled,  or  had  not  yet  begun  to  grow,  the  chance 
of  success  would  be  much  greater.     For  it  was  consid- 
ered as  a  settled  point  that  silent  votes,  and  the  previous 
question)  would  reason  down  every  thing  except  the  fear 
of  danger,  and  the  power  of  the  enemy,  and  could  rea- 
son up  almost  any  thing  except  cash  in  propria  persona. 
This  measure,  met,  as  was  expected,  with  violent  oppo- 
sition from  Tom  Boston,  as  it  passed  the  formula  of 
debate  in  presence  of  the  heads  of  families;  but  it  was 
adopted.     Codline,  Saybrook  and  Spinyarn,  patriarch- 
al governors  of  Tom's  dominions  passedTsevcn  decree.- 
against  it,  and  threatened  to  flog  any  boy  who  entered 
the  army  without  the  consent  of  his  parents,  master  or 
Guardian  and  also  enacted  severe  penalties  against  those 


128 

were  instrumental  in  enticing  them  away.  These 
fellows,  had  the  impudence  to  quote  a  certain  passage 
from  an  old  musty  record,  which  directs  children  to 
»•'  Honor  their  father  and  niotlter  that  their  days  niay 
be  long  on  the  land  &c."  pretending  to  infer  from  t-his 
ffiat  running  away  from  parents  without  leave  first  had 
and  obtained,  to  engage  in  4;  glorious-  war/'  to  conquer 
(no  body  knew  what,)  was  disobeying  and  consequently 
dishonoring  parents.  The  measure  at  first,  appeared 
a  little  high-handed  to  the  true  'blt;ef,  to  the  advocates 
for  (he  war,  who  were  not  ia  a  situation  to  take  a  view 
ef  the  whole  ground.  But  it  was  soon  shrewdly  whisper- 
ed in  their  ears  thai  IliC  fathers  of  such  had  manfully  re- 
sisted every  enticement  to  enlist,  and  shown  themselves 
proof  against  every  allurement  to  the  field  of  danger, 
that  It  was  probable  that  all  their  sons  were  true  begot- 
ten in  this  respect,  or  if  it  otherwise  happened,  it  would 
he  easy  to  blow  a  little  of  the  Bladensburgh  panic  into 
their  tender  breast?,  which  would  be  sufficient  to  em- 
bargo them  in  the  paternal  kitchen,  until  the  war  w::s 
over. 

But  ia  ihc  wi  id  it  of  this  cogitation-fever  and  project- 
labor,  in  popt  a  messenger  with  a  treaty  of  PEACE, 
which  it  appeared  liud  been  signed  at  Ghent,  on  the  24th 
of  December  preceding. 

Ye  invisible  beings,  of  musriuito  penetration,  whose 
eyes  discern  the  motion  of  every  nerve  and  muscle  in 
man,  relate,  how  many  a  heart  that  had  been  long  de- 
pressed with  fear,  began  to  bound  with  hope  and  dance 
with  exultation.  Relate,  how  the  sluggish  blood  which 
long  since  retreated  to  the  hiding  places  of  the  heart, 
began  from  this  moment  to  crawl  along  the  clogged 


129 

reins,  and  resume  its  wonted  office  in  the  several  sys- 
tems of  the  assembled  great  ones.— 

Within  a  few  hours,  all  was  confusion  about  the  Wig- 
wam. A  host  of  whiskered  gentry  were  seen  dodging 
out  and  in  and  multitudes  crowded  around  to  know  what 
the  treaty  contained.  The  mob  were  soon  informed 
that  it  would  be  good  manners  for  them  to  wait  until 
Uncle  Sam  had  first  heard  it.  The  long  table  was  drawn 
out,  and  the  Bladensburgh  noblesse  seated  themselves 
around.  Sangrado,  as  his  duty  was,  stood  behind  Un- 
cle Sam's  chair  in  waiting.  The  Chief  Steward  having 
commanded  silence,  bade  the  Chief  Clerk  stand  up  and 
read  the  treaty. 

Chief  Clerk  reads.  "  His  Britannic  Majesty  and  the 
United  States  of  America,  being  desirous  of  terminat- 
ing the  war  which  has  unhappily  subsisted  between  the 
two  countries" — 

Uncle  Sam.  Hold  Sir.  It  is  of  no  use  to  read  all 
that,  preamble,  I'll  take  my  pocket-book  and  call  for 
the  matter  as  I  want  it.  In  the  first  place  let  me  ask, 
how  many  articles  have  you  in  that  thing — it  looks  long 
— quite  a  large  paper. 

Chief  Clerk.  Eleven  Articles  Sir. 

Uwle  Sam.  Eleven,  aye- — What !  eleven,  why  that's 
more  than  we  wanted.  I  have  a  memorandum  of  only 
six  in  my  pocket-book.  Now  begin  with  the  first  arti- 
cle; that  renounces  forever  his  illegal  blockades,  I  sup^ 
pose. 

Chief  Clerk.  No  Sir,  that  relates  to  making  Peace — 

Unde  Sain.  Peace,  Peace  r  no  need  of  that,  war  ceas- 
es of  itself,  when  we  leave  off  fighting :  When  we  run 
away  from  the  enemy ;  aye,  Jacques  ? 
13* 


130 

Chief  Steward-  Why  Sir,  having  declared  war  in  due 
form,  it  was  necessary  we  should  declare  peace  with  as 
much  formality. 

Uncle  Sam.  Aye,  very  well,  read  on,  come,  the  Block- 
ades f 

Chief  Clerk.  The  second  article  speaks  of  ratifying 
the  treaty,  and  the  time  in  which  hostilities  shall  be  con- 
sidered as  having  ceased,  with  respect  to  the  captures 
of  vessels  on  the  high  seas.  This  article  is  a  necessary 
consequence  of  the  preceding. 

Uncle  Sam.  Oh,  very  well,  go  on. 

Chief  CUrk.  Article  third  treats  of  the  exchange  of 

Prisoners. 

Uncle  Sam.  Very  well,  reed  on. 

Chief  Cleric.  Articles  fourth  and  fifth  treat  of  running 
boundary  lines  anew. — 

Uncle  Sam.  Boundary  lines,  what  ?  Oh,  aye  so  as  to 
take  in  Canada  I  suppose,  very  well,  read  on.  Come 
the  Blockades  1  I  have  my  thumb  on  it. 

Chief  Clerk.  Articles  seventh  and  eighth  refer  to 
boundaries  also. 

Uncle  Sam.  What,  what,  boundaries  again,  more  ter- 
ritory !  Sangrado,  we  shall  have  to  make  you  Governor 
yet. 

Chief  Steward,  (aside.)  D n  that  Pocket-book,  I" 

wish  it  was  burnt. 

Chief  Clerk.  Article  ninth  relates  to  hostilities  with 
the  Indian  tribes.  Article  tenth  treats  of  the  abolition 
of  the  Slave  trade.  The  last  article  relates  to  the  mu- 
tual obligation  of  the  Treaty  on  both  the  contracting 
powers. 

Uncle  Sam.  What !  what,  have  we  not  obtained  a  sin- 
gle, thing  we  have  been  fighting  for  ?  What  docs  all  thj .- 


131 

mean  ?  Boundaries,  Ratifications,  Indians,  Slaves,  obli- 
gations ?  what,  we  didn't  go  to  war  for  this  trumpery  ! 
Blockade's,  Sailors'  rights,  John  Henry,  what !  have  we 
no  redress,  what  ? 

Chief  Steward.  Oh  yes,  my  dear  sir,  we  have  obtaia- 
ed  all  we  contended  for.  The  blockades  and  orders  in 
council  are  much  the  same  thing.  Bull  rescinded  his 
orders  in  council  long  since.  With  regard  to  sailor's 
rights  he  is  dismissing  his  own  sailors  now,  and  sure 
when  he  has  more  sailors  than  he  knows  what  to  da 
with,  he  can  liave  no  motive  to  take  ours  :  and  with  re- 
gard to  John  Henry,  we  have  taken  our  satisfaction  in 
playing  the  same  game  with  Bull  at  a  much  greater  rate, 
so  that  we  may  sett  off  even  in  that  respect. 

Besides  we  have  acquired  immortal  honor  in  this 
war  :  look  at  the  exploits  of  our  Navy  and  the  defence 
»f  New-Orleans,  the  defence  of  Fort  Meigs  and  Ston- 
aington,  the  capture  of  Little  York  and  the  battle  of 
Chippewa.  The  honor  we  have  obtained  alone,  would 
well  recompense  us  for  all  the  charges  of  the  war. 

Uncle  Sam.  Exploits  of  the  Navy  .'  you  must  give 
Tom  Boston  credit  for  that.  His  brave  tars  have 
achieved  every  victory,  that  has  been  gained.  Surely 
you  won't  have  the  brass  to  boast  of  the  exploits  of  tl>e 
Navy.  Have  you  forgotten  that  you  have  been  the- 
deadly  enemies  of  a  navy  all  your  days  ?  That  you 
turned  Tom  out  of  office  for  building  it  ?  Sangrado 
give  me  a  glass  of  your  Whiskey  with  a  few  of  your 
Lethean  drops  in  it — I  grow  faint. 

Wrhile  the  Squire  was  administering  the  balsam  of 
forgetfulness  to  the  war-sick  Knight, — in  conies  the 
Chief  Scribe  of  the  strong  box  with  a  huge  bundle  ow 
1ii§  back.  No  Jew-Pedlar  ever  trudged  beneath  a  hea- 


132 

vier  load ;  down  goes  the  budget,  when  the  scribe  began 
to  pull  out  and  unrol  a  paper  of  much  greater  Longitude 
than  Latitude,  when  the  Knight  with  his  usual  importu- 
nity began  to  ask  what  he  had — what  it  meant  ?  The 
Chief  Scribe  replied  that  it  was  an  account  Current,  of 
his  honors  receipts  and  expenditures  during  the  war. 

Aye  said  Uncle  Sam,  read  it  let  us  hear  how  it  sounds, 
don't  be  tedious  now,  just  give  us  the  round  numbers, 
don't  descend  to  the  particular  items. 

Chief  Scribe.  The  whole  amount  of  expenditures,  is 
two  hundred  millions  of  dollars ;  for  which  we  have  in 
return,  experience  in  the  art  of  war,  say  fifty  millions- 
The  increased  value  of  our  Navy  and  Fortifications,  say 
fifty  millions  more.  Then  there's  the  Glory  we  have 
acquired,  no  one  will  deny  is  worth  at  least  one  hundred 
millions  more,  and  this  balances  the  account. 

Uncle  Sam.  Aye  then  we  have  done  well  5  we  have 
the  Peace,  the  Boundary  lines,  the  pacification  of  the 
Indian  tribes,  and  the  ratifications  as  all  clear  gain — 
neat  profits^  aye  Sangrado  ?  we've  done  very  well,  aye  ? 

Sangrado,     But  then  we  have  lost  Moose  Island. 

Uncle  Sam.  Aye,'  Moose  Island,  what  is  that  worth  ? 
What  are  a  few  roods  of  earth,  to  a  whole  continent  of 
fame!  But  what  a  strange  thing  is  war  !  How  magical, 
how  potent  in  its  operations !  By  two  or  three  years  of 
war,  blockades  become  ratifications.  Sailors  rights 
boundaries  !  And  John  Henry's  plots  are  transmuted 
into  abolition  of  the  slave  trade.  Aye,  but  there's  the 
Glory,  that's  the  choicest  part  of  the  whole.  Well,  then 
I  suppose  I  may  take  this  bundle,  and  use  it  as  occasion 
requires ;  What  papers  are  all  these,  so  nicely  folded 
which  I  see  here  in  the  "  Sacks  mouth.'9  Aye,  Glory 
Bills  !  Drafts  at  sight,  on  immortality.  Wonderful  met- 


133 

arnorphosis .'  in  farmer  times  we  used  to  call  just  such 
things  as  these  Tax  Bills,  but  Tempora  mittantiir,  times 
are  changed. 

During  these  transactions  her  ladyship  and  Sangrado 
expressed  by  significant  smiles,  their  pleasure  at  seeing 
the  complete  delusion  of  Uncle  Sam.  Sangrado  im- 
puted it  to  the  draught  of  Philosophic  nectar  which  he 
had  administered  to  him. 

As  Eneas,  the  Trojan  prince,  shouldered  the  shield 
on  whose  surface  the  fortunes  of  all  his-  posterity  were 
represented,  so  our  Hero  lifted  the  portentous  ludget  on 
his  shoulders  amidst  the  mobocratic  shouts  of"  glorious 
v.ar  ;"  little  reflecting  on  the  bitter  sequel  of  its  contents 
— regardless  of  the  past  as  unconscious  of  the  future. 
So  nations  pass  down  the  beguiling  stream  of  fate,  the 
evil  genius  of  the  demagogue  cries  out  "  Breakers,"  and 
hurries  them  along  until  they  have  shot  the  "  impassable 
gulpV  when  they  look  back  with  useless  astonishment, 
and  v/onder  how  they  came  there.  In  a  free  govern- 
ment, the  frequent  recurrence  of  the  elective  power  to 
the  will  of  the  people,  would,  if  that  will  were  well  in- 
formed and  unbiassed,  ever  prove  a  sufficient  barrier 
against  the  efforts  of  a  despot  on  the  one  hand,  and  the 
intrigues  of  the  demagogue  on  the  other.  As  in  an  ab- 
solute government,  the  Tyrant  breaks  the  natian  into 
factions,  and  attaches  the  least  obnoxious  and  most 
powerful  of  them  to  his  cause ;  so  in  a  republican  state! 
factions  are  created  by  ambitious,  designing  and  crafty 
individuals,  who  hold  up  the  public  welfare  as  their  sole 
object,  an.d  make  the  most  ardent  and  disinterested  pro- 
fessions. In  the  former  case,  the  Monarch  is  the  tyrant, 
in  the  latter  the  prevailing  faction.  Under  these  cir- 
cumstances, when  oppression  reaches  a  definite  point, 


134 

the  choice  of  the  weary  and  suffering  multitude,  usually 
settles  down  between  the  terminable  ambition  and  mea- 
sured revenge  of  an  individual,  and  the  inexorable  ma- 
lice of  an  incensed  multitude. 

No  class  of  men  of  whatever  party,  can  have  any 
claim  to  the  character  of  Statesmen,  who  have  not  a 
regular  plan,  some  uniform  system,  the  operations  of 
which  extend  beyond  the  temporary  exigences  of  the 
moment,  and  which  in  no  case  can  contravene  those 
principles,  which  form  the  basis  of  the  government. 
Washington  had  a  plan  of  finance  general  and  uniform 
in  its  operations-  The  exceptions  urged  against  some 
of  its  features,  even  then  served,  in  the  eyes  of  correct 
statesmen  only  to  strengthen  their  conviction  of  its  wis- 
dom and  its  Justice  j  but  it  may  be  said  with  triUl:,that 
in  putting  the  complex  machine  into  operation,  he  was 
greatly  assisted  by  that  great  statesman,  Mr.  Hamilton, 
whose  profound  and  comprehensive  viev.'S,  v/cre  as  ad- 
mirably adapted  to  the  exigences  of  that  important  cri- 
sis, as  his  principles  and  his  integrity  were  p;re  and  ir- 
reproachable. His  impartial  policy  toward  the  difier- 
ent  states  of  Europe,  at  an  epoch  more  difficult  than 
any  we  have  since  witnessed,  kept  us  from  being  em- 
broiled in  their  destructive  conflicts.  A  different  course 
of  policy  under  the  two  last  administrations  toward 
these  same  nations,  has  written  the  wisdom  of  Wash- 
ington in  characters  of  blood,  on  the  history  of  our 
country.  • 

Washington  knew  that  we  were  a  commercial  people, 
and  he  acted  from  that  conviction.  He  saw  a  produc- 
tive revenue  arising  from  the  multiplied  operations  of 
Commerce.  He  felt  that  in  protecting  Commerce,  lie 
fostered  Agriculture,  To  this  end,  he  never  ceased  to 


recommend  the  gradual  creation  of  a  navy.  His  suc- 
cessor followed  his  example,  until  popular  clamor  silenc- 
ed his  efforts.  Here  then  comes  the  awful  chasm  in  our 
road  to  independence — to  that  independence  on  the 
smiles  or  the  fiov.ns  of  other  nations,  which  whensoever 
occasion  may  demand,  shall  place  us  beyond  the  reach 
of  their  intrigues  or  their  power.  The  Washington 
policy  with  respect  to  a  navy,  sterns  now  fully  justified. 
Political  folly  and  wickedness  has  furnished  the  occa- 
sion ;  and  over-ruling  necessity  has  forever  established 
the  doctrine  "  that  a  poweif.il  naval  armament  is  essen- 
tial to  the  independence  of  this  country."  Nor  has  the 
correctness  of  the  Washington  system  of  finance  and 
of  revenue,  been  less  the  subject  of  historical  demon- 
stration. A  direct  tax  was  once  reprobated  from  a 
principle  of  idle  fear  of  a  possible  evil ;  it  is  now  tole- 
rated in  a  threefold  pressure,  as  a  necessary  act  to 
remedy  past  icickedness  and  acknowledged  folly. 

A  standing  army  once  p  esented  a  frightful  bugbear 
to  philosophic  del.cacy  :  it  is  now  the  harmless  and  ra- 
tional armor  of  freemen,  as  little  dangerous  as  the  fowl- 
ing piece  of  a  gunner,  or  the  rifle  of  a  back-woodsman. 
Such  are  the  strong  colored  results  of  our  party  strug- 
gles during  an  experiment  of  fifteen  years.  When  de- 
monstration takes  the  place  of  argument,  truth  is  hon- 
ored, although  in  the  minority.  History  will  look  wiih 
peculiar  complacency  on  the  measures  of  Washington, 
and  her  approving  criticism  will  fasten  with  delight  on 
his  extensive  and  liberal  plans,  at  a  crisis  when  ex- 
periment was  dangerous,  and  miscarriage  destruction. 
Could  truth  record  the  same  decision  with  regard  to 
the  policy  of  his  successors,  the  advocates  for  heredi- 
tary governments,  and  limited  monarchies,  would  even 


136 

at  this  early  period  of  our  history,  be  almost  compel- 
led to  yield  the  argument  in  favor  of  our  republican 
form,  even  on  the  score  of  experience.  But  unhappily 
Mr.  Jefferson's  ambition  prompted  him  to  aspire  to  the 
chief  Magistracy,  with  more  regard  to  the  efficiency  of 
the  measures,  necessary  for  the  attainment  of  his  ob- 
ject, than  delicacy  with  respect  to  the  morality  of  those 
measures,  or  the  awful  effect  they  were  to  have  on  our 
political  institutions,  and  the  public  mind. 

In  comparison  with  the  many  distinguished  charac- 
ters whose  important  services  at  that  period,  claimed 
the  reward  of  national  gratitude,  Mr.  Jefferson  stood 
but  a  slender  chance.  His  revolutionary  services  were 
iittle  more  than  votive  and  nominal.  His  hostility  to 
the  oppressive  measures  of  the  parent  state  which  pro- 
duced the  rupture,  was  rather  the  effect  of  hatred,  than 
the  result  of  principle.  His  courage  and  Jinnnea  were 
purely  of  the  theoretical  cast,  as  the  hour  of  trial  abur.- 
.danlly  proved.* 

He  came  into  office,  therefore  with  his  head  full  of 
projects  and  his  heart  of  promises.  For  it  was  plain 
that  the  less  he  had  already  done,  the  more  he  was 
bound  to  offer.  The  more  brilliant  the  career  of  his 
predecessors,  so  much  the  higher  must  rise  his  profes- 
sions of  attachment  to  the  public  welfare.  And  in  this 
part  of  his  duty  public  expectation  was  not  disappoint- 
ed. He  had  no  sooner  entered  on  the  duties  of  his  of- 
fice, than  he  began  to  be  rapidly  delivered  of  his  nume- 
rous Jdnd  wishes  for  the  general  good.  Economy  was 
his  favorite  measure  ;  and  this  he  carried  to  such  a  lu- 
dicrous extent  that  the  "  ears  even  of  the  groundlings'" 

•  This  alludes  to  his  well  known  flight  to  Carter's  mountain. 


isr 

"vere  split  with  his  applause.  To  such  an  extravagant 
•Jegree  did  he  carry  this  darling  measure,  that  it  almost 
fixed  the  period  for  its  own  destruction.  Discarding 
any  expenditures  for  coast  or  maritime  defence,  it  in- 
vited foreign  aggression  and  insult  :  exposed  us  to  the 
liberal  contempt  and  ridicule  of  evey  petty  maritime 
state  in  Europe,  and  laid  in  the  course  of  events,  the 
foundation  of  that  scandalous  Terrapin  system,  which 
consummated  our  shame  and  plunged  us  into  war. 

His  gun  boat  system,  that  ridiculous  monument  of  hu- 
man foliy,  outlived  ah1  his  other  schemes.  But  it  exist- 
ed from  necessity,  as  the  only  surviving  partner  of  the 
navy  ;  it  now  forms  one  of  the  discarded  items  of  phi- 
losophic weakness.  His  dry-dock  plan  scarcely  survi- 
ved the  christening  ;  and  his  Canal-project  was  still- 
born. Public  contempt  has  fixed  the  fate  of  economy 
for  the  present,  from  which  the  famous  Gnu-boat  sys- 
tem finds  a  refuge  only  by  its  insignificance.  Both 
these  experiments  have  been  very  costly  to  the  nation  : 
the  expenses  of  the  gun-boat  scheme,  although  immense 
have  been  paid  off,  and  are  no  longer  felt;  but  we  are 
doomed  to  taste  the  bitter  fruits  of  Jefferson's  economy 
for  ages  to  come.  But  still  asks  the  enquirer,  nre  not 
parties  useful  in  a  republican  government  ?  They  are, 
most  certainly  when  opposition  is  the  result  of  attach- 
ment to  measures  and  not  to  men,  Its  efforts  then  serve 
to  make  the  ruling  party  watchful  only  for  the  public 
welfare  ;  not  watchful  to  retain  their  offices.  But  an 
opposition  formed  on  corrupt  principles  and  from  de- 
praved motives,  tends  to  deprave  the  ruling  party,  by 
conforming  its  measures  of  defence  to  those  of  attac7:.- 
Why  then,  and  on  what  principles  does  the  opposition 
to  the  present  administration  continue  r  Wr  nnswrr  :-» 
19 


Because  the  present  ruling  party,  when  in  the  mino- 
rity first  receded  from  the  main  body;  they  declar- 
ed their  recession  indeed  to  be  the  result  of  principle, 
of  attachment  to  measures  and  not  to  men  ;  are  declared 
the  motive  a  corrupt  one.  A  revolution  of  fifteen  years 
has  brought  us  exactly  back  to  the  same  ground,  -with 
respect  to  measures  ;  yet  their  attachment  to  men  con- 
tinues ;  not  to  men  as  merely  belonging  to  the  party ; 
but  to  the  very  men  who  first  seduced  that  party  from 
its  allegiance  and  whose  experiments  have  Cost  the  na- 
tion so  many  millions  and  so  many  lives.  If  ycfti  con- 
demn the  treason,  why  do  you  retain  the  traitor  in  your 
service  ?  But  the  traitor  has  reformed  say  you.  Not 
on  yow  hypothesis  ;  he  has  apostatized  from  all  the  pro- 
fessions he  has  ever  made.  He  has  declared  by  his 
conduct  that  he  became  a  partisan  from  corrupt  mo- 
tives, that  he  has  continued  so  from  corrupt  motives  un- 
til he  had  brought  his  Country  to  the  brink  of  bank- 
ruptcy and  ruin  ;  aud  now  to  reward  him  for  changing 
his  principles,  even  when  this  change  comes  from  the 
depraved  purpose  of  saving  his  office,  we  are  called  on 
to  give  him  our  caresses  and  suffrages.  Let  the  refor- 
mation be  complete  j  if  the  Ostracism  of  the  revolu* 
tionary  patriots  were  an  error,  which  is  acknowledged 
defacto,  recall  them- 

If  you  cannot  restore  the  stolen  goods  and  wasted 
property,  punish  the  thief — if  you  cannot  punish  the 
thief,  dismiss  him  from  your  service.  Do  not  retain 
him  merely  to  gratify  your  malice  against  those  who 
have  committed  no  other  crime  than  endeavoring  to 
prosecute  the  offender  and  bring  him  to  justice.  If  it 
is  bowing  too  much  to  vote  for  a  man  of  political  opin- 
ions opposite  to  your  own?  give  your  support  to  the 


139 

Jeust  exceptionable  of  your  own  party  ;  to  those  if  you 
can  find  them,  whose  hands  are  not  polluted  with  the 
peculation  of  the  public  treasure,  and  not  stained  witli 
blood.  "  Oh  !  you  say,  all  men  are  imperfect ;  it  is  all 
the  love  of  office  ;  there  is  no  such  thing  as  disinter- 
ested patriotism  oa  earth  j  men  are  governed  wholly 
by  selfishness."  This  consequence  you  infer  from  your 
disappointment  with  respect  to  the  men  whom  you  have 
supported  so  long  ;  and  perhaps  also  from  the  univer- 
sal indifference  manifested  towards  the  late  war.  In 
the  first  instance  you  beg  the  question  by  drawing  a 
general  inference  from  a  particular  case  ;  and  in  the 
second,  the  experiment  was  an  unfair  one.  Washing- 
ton, Hamilton,  Patrick  Henry,  Warren,  Montgomery, 
and  many  others  were  Patriots;  (yet  they  all  aspired 
to  renown  and  were,  in  a  certain  sense,  selfish,')  and 
their  names  will  appear  on  the  page  of  history  as  pat- 
riots, long  after  the  bickering  of  the  present  time  shall 
be  laid  asleep,  and  on  the  same  page  the  names  oi* 
those  privileged  wretches  who  have  tortured  the  nation 
with  experiments,  for  fifteen  years,  will  be  recorded 
only  as  demagogues  and  as  beacons  for  the  warning  of 
posterity. 

We  must  now  retire  from  the  didactic  to  the  his- 
toric department  of  our  closing  duty.  The  faithful 
Squire,  at  the  promulgation  of  the  treaty  found  himself 
saddled  with  the  heaviest  task  that  had  ever  yet  beeu 
laid  on  him.  It  was  indeed  a  bitter  pill  for  high  mind- 
ed war  hawks  to  swallow.  But  the  doctor  knew  his  pa- 
tient. Her  Ladyship,  notwithstanding  her  seeming 
good  cheer,  was  not  the  happiest  personage  in  the  fami- 
ly. The  Chief  Steward  carried  not  a  fig  for  the  con- 
clusion of  the  farce,  so  might  he  save  but  his  office.— - 
It  becomes  us  to  naticc  a  remarkable  change  in  Uncle 


140 

Sam's  Lady.  She  has  lately  discarded  all  her  forme* 
notions  of  parsimony  and  philosophic  whims  of  econo- 
my, and  has  most  graciously  bestowed  on  herself  a  ve-" 
ry  splendid  Salary,  and  whereas,  formerly  her  family 
servants  received  only  six  dollars  per  diem,  they  now 
receive  fifteen  hundred,  for  each  entertainment  or  levee 
she  holds,  to  see  company.  Some  have  feared  that 
these-  high  wages  would  make  her  servants  too  inde- 
pendent and  lazy  and  wit  hall  too  proud  to  do  the  work 
••>f  the  kitchen  and  keep  the  dishes  in  order;  but  it  must 
be  recollected  thai  since  madan;  has  very  kindly  taken 
on  herself  the  duty  of  electing  the  Chief  Steward,  and 
in  fact  discharges  the  functions  of  two  offices,  she  is  cer- 
tainly entitled  to  a  stipend  commensurate  with  her  labors- 
The  Squire  is  a  person  of  some  acuteness  and  never 
:"-;  troubled  with  scruples  of  conscience.  lie  did  not 
lose  the  Governor-ship  of  Canada,  for  he  never  had  it, 
oven  in  expectation.  He  is  one  of  those  tii'istical  and 
ficittalle  beings,  who  can  always  serve  all  occasions, 
.sail  in  all  winds,  and  blow  hot  and  cold,  wet  and  dry 
th rough  the  same  whistle. 

SONG, 

By  the  Squire. 

FULL  of  valor,  full  of  fire 

For  honor  did  our  hero  pant ; 
Sangrado  was  his  faithful  squire, 

Democracy  his  Rozinante. 

With  wind  and  types  to  storm  a  foe. 

No  warrior  e'er  could  beat  him  ; 
And  if  towar'd  danger  ne'er  he'd  go. 

No  danger  sure  could  meet  him.. 


141 

If  Bull  again,  his  head  should  sh«w, 

With  slander  we'll  berate  him  j 
And  if  we  cannot  kill  the  foe, 

We'll  tan  his  hide  verbatim. 

And  what's  the  use  to  storm  and  rave, 

That  Canada's  not  taken  ? 
The  attempt  we've  made,  alike  doth  save 

Our  credit  and  our  bacon. 

We've  conquer'd  office,  reason,  shame, 
Fought  truth  and  conscience  down; 

Drain'd  the  last  cent  from  Uncle  Sam, 
And  turn'd  him  on  the  Town. 

And  what  could  Jacks  and  Jemmies  do, 

To  save  a  falling  City  ? 
But  stay  and  have  their  hearts  borM  through 

With  bullets  ! — What  a  pity  ! 

A  living  dog  to  lion  dead, 

King  Solomon  prefers  ; 
And  he  for  fame  that  gives  his  head, 

'Gainst  fame  hath  shut  his  ears. 

Some  say  that  glory  here  below, 

Is  transient  in  its  nature  ; 
Our  Tax-Collectors  yet  shall  show, 

'Tis  form'd  of  solid  matter. 

Economy  was  once  the  toast, 

When  we  were  leagu'd  with  Bony ; 

But  Uncle  Sam  has  turn'd  Jack  tar, 
And  now  he  spends  his  money. 


142 

With  Salt  our  glory-fund  we  use, 

Our  Clothing,  Sugar,  Rum, 
Nor  shall  our  children's  children  lose 

The  boon  for  years  to  come. 

Bone  of  our  bone  shall  glory  be, 

A  debt  redeeming  trophy  : 
Our  Ladies  sip  it  in  their  tea, 

And  we,  in  Punch  and  Coffee. 

'Till  glory  breed  us  valiant  sons, 
And  yet  unbreathing  Beauties  j 

The  Tax  Direct  shall  form  their  bones,. 
Their  Jlesh^  the  Impost  duties. 


t- 


M77406 


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